Advice - sticky situation

kjanderson

I am going thru a bad divorce with H.  He is a liar, manipulator, con man and not a good father to our DS.  I left him because of his lack of involvement in DS life and never helping me.  Oh, and the whole gambling, compulsive lying, leaving his job and not telling me until I figured it out 2 months after the fact...I could go on...

Anyway, the problem is is that this is the first "holiday" since our split and according to our parenting plan, it is my year to have DS on Halloween.  So the problem is that he is whining and expecting and basically telling me I am a horrible person if I don't let him see DS tomorrow dressed up.

The good in me says not a big deal to stop by his house for 5 minutes.  The angry ex-wife/mother in me says H3LL NO!  He doesn't deserve it and it will mess up DS to see him in the first place because ex hardly comes for his visitation times anyway.  Like 2 hours a week is all he can manage to be a father.

 I need some help on this one!!!  Ugh.

Mrs.Sesa

Stick to the agreement! Trust me...it is the only way to make sure everything doesn't get messed up.

Let say you do take DS to see him. The next holiday is his and you ask the same thing...but he doesn't do it. Now you feel slighted cause you went out of your way to do something for him when you didn't have to and he is not willing to do the same. Which I'm sure will lead to more agruing.

The best thing is simply to avoid all the drama and stick to what y'all agreed to previously.

It probably does suck for your ex DH but oh well...those arrangements were made before hand and he knew they were coming. In the past there were times that we didn't see our kiddos on Christmas/Thanksgiving...we hated it but that is what we agreed to in the custody agreement.

taagent

I think this is a tough one personally.  I understand your situation but it is also kind of spitful(sp?) not to let him see his son dressed up.  It isn't like he is asking you to change your parenting plan and let him take him trick or treating this year.  How old is SD?  Can you ask him if he wants to stop by dad's for a minute.  The other possibility is you could just say you don't have time but take a pic with your phone and send it to him. 

I am definitely interested to hear what the other ladies say!

ARuss

This is tough, but I would have to agree with pp. I would stick to the agreement. If he wants to see his child dressed up, well then he can stop by at a certain time. I would not go out of my way to go to him.  Also like pp said, you don't know that next year he will do the same for you.

 If you do it this way, it puts the ball in his court. If he wants to see him so bad, he can stop by your place. If he doesn't show up... then that's on him. HTH!

Phantomgirl

If you don't do it this year, then next year you definitely wont get to see DS on Halloween.  Would DS like to see his dad?

I know he is an *ss but think about next year - i'm sure you'll want to see DS.  I would do it - be the bigger person.   

j+k

I highly recommend that you do your best to be the bigger person ALWAYS.  Do not engage yourself in a pissing match with him becuase you have all this anger for him.  You may be justified in disliking him so much, but please, when it comes to your daugther please make an effort to set aside things for a moment.

By no means should you ever bend over backwards or let him walk all over you and sacrifice ridiculously - but at least show your daugther that you can act civily and work together when it comes to her.

I can not tell you how important it is for you to not engage in hateful back and forth bickering because what one has done and not done to the other. It WILL have a negative affect on your child. 

When it comes to her, set is aside. Do right by her.

Mrs.Astros_Fan

What do you think your child would want?  More than likely, your child would love to show the other parent his costume.  This needs to be what's best for your child, not you.  The five minutes it would take would mean a lot to both of them.

MrsHeidiR

Dumb question, but do you have a camera?

The agreement is what it is and not having this time is a reality of split parenting.  I would offer to take lots of pictures and let him know that you hope he will do the same for you next year.

So much of this depends on the type of person he is too....if you give and go out of your way this time to be the bigger person is he going to expect it every holiday?  Will he grant you the same requests in return?  If there is the possibility of a positive working relationship if the anger and spite is put aside then get it put aside.  But if you are in a situation in which you will have to fall to the agreement in order to stand up for yourself, I would take pictures and send them.  Limit contact and stick to the order....

It really depends on the type of situation you are in

hindsight's_a_biotch

Email a picture.

There. He saw him. Dunzo.

kjanderson

Thanks for all your help.  Son is only 21 months old so it doesn't make any difference to him....today is just another day in his life.  He usually actually gets upset when ex comes because he comes so infrequently so I think I'm gonna stick to the plan and send a pic.  Ex is a very hateful, manipulative man and I think he is (again) trying to control the situation.  In no way shape or form would he let me see DS if the situation was reversed, and I wouldn't expect him to even though I know I would want to like a crazy person.  It is part of what he should have considered before he went through his antics leading up to me leaving him, and something I def. considered when making the choice to up and go.

 Happy Halloween and thanks!