How do you handle BM flirting with DH?

srkm

BM is a very manipulative person who I do not trust in the least.  If she is actually acting like a normal adult she is planning her next move...which is never good.  Well, lately she has been super nice to me and my DH and I got uneasy vibes about it.  Turns out, my feelings meant something.  Recently, she has started flirting with my DH on text.  Using little pet names like honey ect.  I has  happened twice this week and I told DH to nip it now before it becomes a problem.  I should have known...her relationship has recently ended.  Sorry BM, just because you can't keep a man doesn't mean you can start sweet talking mine.  How do you handle a situation like this? 

I got a little mad at DH for not correcting it when it first happened...maybe I should just chill but it p*ssed me off!

fellesferie

What's wrong with just ignoring it? 

DH was never married before me, but his ex-girlfriend used to contact him all the time. He ignored it, and it went away. I get that it's different when YH and BM have a child together, but surely she'll cut it out if he doesn't respond to it. 

Phantomgirl

Sorry you are dealing with this.

This actually reminds me of when I started dating DH (5 years ago!)

BM would call him at 7am to say good morning, in the eves to tell him her aunt was sick or anything else she could think of.  She called any time of the day or night.

SS had to go into hospital to have grommets fitted in his ear.  BM booked a hotel room for her and then SO.  She claimed it made more sense to 'rotate' sleeping.

DH (then SO) entertained every step of it.  In fact I would go so far today as to say he actually led her on.

One day he and I were pulling into the parking lot of a shopping mall to shop for our upcoming vacation.  BM called and DH answered and it was nothing to do with SS.  He was being all dramatic and rolling his eyes at me and so forth BUT still entertaining her call.

I walked.

I got out of the car and walked away.  He tried calling me and I kept going.  I went to the information desk and I had them call me a taxi and I left.

I spoke to him that evening and I told him this is not for me good luck with life.

That weekend he called to my house and swore to me that he had talked to her and put boundaries in place and that it would not happen again. 

5 years later we are married.  He admitted to me last year that he enjoyed the attention and in fact he wanted me to think 'other women were after him'.

He got a real shock when I told him where to go.

Moral of the story - if your DH wants to put a stop to it he will.  If he does not he wont.  BM is not your concern, she can lay naked in front of him and it is his choice if he entertains it or not.

The problem is your DH not having boundaries with BM.  I would be furious if I though my DH allowed any girl to call him pet names.

HE is crossing a line by not stopping this.

 

Karma1969

If you trust your DH then it doesn't matter if she flirts.

karleegirl

You don't need to handle it your dh does.

wwnbw

I would be very mad if DH didn't do something about it. Just thinking about BM doing that with my DH and him not doing anything is getting me worked up. He needs to say something to her and make it VERY clear that it needs to stop. I would never stand for BM flirting with DH.

ThePolishHammer

DH is responsible for setting boundaries with BM.

juliettodd

Phantomgirl:

Sorry you are dealing with this.

This actually reminds me of when I started dating DH (5 years ago!)

BM would call him at 7am to say good morning, in the eves to tell him her aunt was sick or anything else she could think of.  She called any time of the day or night.

SS had to go into hospital to have grommets fitted in his ear.  BM booked a hotel room for her and then SO.  She claimed it made more sense to 'rotate' sleeping.

DH (then SO) entertained every step of it.  In fact I would go so far today as to say he actually led her on.

One day he and I were pulling into the parking lot of a shopping mall to shop for our upcoming vacation.  BM called and DH answered and it was nothing to do with SS.  He was being all dramatic and rolling his eyes at me and so forth BUT still entertaining her call.

I walked.

I got out of the car and walked away.  He tried calling me and I kept going.  I went to the information desk and I had them call me a taxi and I left.

I spoke to him that evening and I told him this is not for me good luck with life.

That weekend he called to my house and swore to me that he had talked to her and put boundaries in place and that it would not happen again. 

5 years later we are married.  He admitted to me last year that he enjoyed the attention and in fact he wanted me to think 'other women were after him'.

He got a real shock when I told him where to go.

Moral of the story - if your DH wants to put a stop to it he will.  If he does not he wont.  BM is not your concern, she can lay naked in front of him and it is his choice if he entertains it or not.

The problem is your DH not having boundaries with BM.  I would be furious if I though my DH allowed any girl to call him pet names.

HE is crossing a line by not stopping this.

First of all - I so enjoyed this story.

DH and I have had several conversations about flirting and both agree that it is normal.  We both flirt in our daily lives but we trust each other and know that while some flirting is fun and innocent there are some lines that can never be crossed.  MH will flirt with a waitress right in front of me.  He will, of course, earn an elbow in his side but it is all in good innocent fun. 

However, when the person flirting is an ex then I do not think it is appropriate.  It is wierd.  I think you are right to be on alert.  As far as pet names, I live in an area where everyone is "honey" or "sugar".  Are you sure she intended something inappropriate?  I ask because on a rare occassion someone will turn to me and say "I'm not your honey!"  I did not mean to offend them, but it inevitably happens sometimes.

karleegirl

Julietodd-- I'm guessing you are a southerner like me. I'm bad about calling people Hun and sweetheart. BUT I'm much more careful with my words with ds1's bf. I know my dh and ds's sm wouldn't be comfortable with me calling him that. we havent had a relationship in 15 yrs either. It's just a matter of respect. Especially in a text you can review your words so I'm not buying that one.

juliettodd

karleegirl:

Julietodd-- I'm guessing you are a southerner like me. I'm bad about calling people Hun and sweetheart. BUT I'm much more careful with my words with ds1's bf. I know my dh and ds's sm wouldn't be comfortable with me calling him that. we havent had a relationship in 15 yrs either. It's just a matter of respect. Especially in a text you can review your words so I'm not buying that one.

Yes Karleegirl - I wuz born/raised in Memphis lol.  Plural to me is all y'all.  I even still have most of my teeth  

I totally see your point in being able to review your words on a text, and agree.  I also think things can be very easily misunderstood in texts and emails.  I just wanted to let OP know that I've been guilty of using pet names with complete strangers and it sometimes gets me into trouble. 

Cheerilee

BM flirts with DH all the time.  After we were married, she started calling more often while SS was in school... Obviously NOT calling to talk to SS.  She even called 3 times on my birthday just to chat and share her drama.

I think it's getting worse now that I'm pregnant.  My favorite moment was recently when she told DH that she had "a talk" with her current bf and told him that DH was the best guy she was ever with and she regretted the things she'd done to ruin a good thing with a great guy and should have married him when she had the chance.  He called her an idiot for being dumb enough to tell a boyfriend who has temper problems this.  Now, he ignores her calls when SS is at school and gets off the phone quickly if she calls without asking to talk to SS.  I think she's asked to talk to SS once in the past 6 weeks but called 10 times.

It annoys me that she thinks so low of herself to want the attention from an ex she has no chance with.  I'm not worried about it, though. 

allyallyrickson

I agree it's DH's job to put an end to it. If you two have already had a serious conversation about how his interactions with her make you feel, you have a right to be upset. Be clear with him that you need her to stop calling. He probably has a good idea of how to stop her and just hasn't been inclined to end the drama quite yet.

+j+k+

How do I handle it?   I laugh.  BM is a sad waste of space and doesn't have a shot in hell. On occassion she will call DH in the middle of the night and all you will hear is "their song". SD will still tell DH how "mom still loves you daddy". 

It doesn't bother me. I'm secure in my relationship but it does illicit an eye roll and a little steam every now and then, but it's not worth getting in a toot over.

How do you handle your situation?  Address it with DH. He needs to tell her it's not appropriate, please stop, or as the girls previously suggested - ignore her.  It will stop when she knows it does not work.

dmndsr4eva

Hmm, I really find it hard to understand this situation because my ex won't even talk to me let alone ever get to the point of flirting.  But anyhow, we only broke up 6 mths ago so maybe things will eventually change.

I think it is really up to your H to set the standard.  If he acts in a way that shows her he is not flirting back that should nip the problem in the bud.  However, if he flirts back I can see this brewing into a problem.

ambrvan

juliettodd:

karleegirl:

Julietodd-- I'm guessing you are a southerner like me. I'm bad about calling people Hun and sweetheart. BUT I'm much more careful with my words with ds1's bf. I know my dh and ds's sm wouldn't be comfortable with me calling him that. we havent had a relationship in 15 yrs either. It's just a matter of respect. Especially in a text you can review your words so I'm not buying that one.

Yes Karleegirl - I wuz born/raised in Memphis lol.  Plural to me is all y'all.  I even still have most of my teeth  

I totally see your point in being able to review your words on a text, and agree.  I also think things can be very easily misunderstood in texts and emails.  I just wanted to let OP know that I've been guilty of using pet names with complete strangers and it sometimes gets me into trouble. 

Me too! Don't live there anymore, thank God, but I just moved to a smaller Tennessee town. Here, Memphis is considered full of fancy, sophisticated, city folk. lol! I thought we had rednecks in Memphis, but it's a requirement to live here. lol

Anyway, I call everyone "honey" or "hun" at work. I work on a college campus, and if I'm not careful it can cause trouble. If DH or BM ever talked to each other like that, it would definitely be out of character for them, but I have spoken to BM before like, "Honey, let me tell you what..."

Personally, I'd ignore it. Every heard that only a fool argues with a fool? Well, the same applies here. If it means nothing to your DH, he should ignore it and so should you. If she gets no response in return (answer her question, fine, but if he doesn't return the flirt), then she can't get anywhere.

Be secure and let it roll off your shoulders.

Curious, though, how do you know the texts she is sending to your DH? Is he telling you about her calling him "honey" or are you reading his texts? Not trying to be snide or imply anything, but that fact that this even bothers you just makes me wonder. If you are the kind of woman who checks your spouse's phone, then you would be the kind to be bothered by this. If your Dh has told you about it, then he probably found it funny or odd and you certainly should not be worried.