Blended Families
J&A2008
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another VENT post
J&A2008
member
BM lost her license for 6 months. We live 4.5 hours apart, and she was supposed to have a visit this weekend.
Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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Re: another VENT post
What does your custody order say about transportation for visitations? Whose responsibility is it?
- If it is BM, then let her figure it out.
- If it falls between the two of you, offer up the pick up (that way you know you will be getting the boys back at the end of the weekend).
- If it does not specify - be the bigger people and offer the pick up.
You could show a little compassion by downloading the train/bus time table for her and emailing it to her.
My brother lives 3.5 hours from BM - they split travel. He drives to collect my nephew and she takes the train to pick him up. She also lost her license.
Two words. Two choices.
Greyhound & Amtrak
This is not your problem. It's hers. Your DH should suggest it to her and she can figure it out.
Lost her license? As in - it was taken away from her for six months? Or is it that she hasn't been able to find it for six months?
Either way - it's her problem, not yours. There's the bus or she could pay a friend to drive her. Still not your problem.
Boy do I know THIS one.....
I'm sorry.....it ends up being your problem to deal with the kids disappointment if she doesn't make other arrangements, but there isn't anything you can do.
Back story - last year she got arrested for possession of marijuana. She got 1 year probation, some fines, and a suspended sentence (5 days in jail, 25 hours community service) - basically a slap on the wrist.
Well, she didn't pay her fines or comply with an order to report for drug testing and complete a drug education class, so she violated the terms of her probation. Now she gets to serve her jail time, do her community service, PLUS she loses her license for 6 months.
It's been a hell of a week. We first thought that she violated her probation with another drug charge. Our attorney pulled up a court order that had charges in it for distribution. Ugh. It seems there aren't any new charges from last year, but it just brought up all the same fears about her lifestyle. Of course, we didn't get any details on this directly from her, so it was doubly confusing and upsetting.
The boys are staying home this weekend. Hopefully she can make some travel arrangements (maybe a friend can drive her?). We share the travel burden.
I'll repeat. Her problem. Not yours. If you share the expense, be very clear on what you are willing to do. Half a bus ticket. Half a train ticket. Half a friends car/gas expenses. Whatever your agreement would be - keep it the same, do not go out of your way or to any additional expense beyond what's fair.
If she b*tches....your DH should calmly and firmly let her know that someone in her position does not have right to dictate or make ultimatums or whatever. She screwed up her own life. These are the consequences. This is your offer. Deal with it. Other than that, you really shouldn't have a responsibility or concern for how she handles her visitation. If she can't do her half...she doesn't get to see the kids.
It's that simple.
Unfortunately she's in kind of a rural area, so there aren't any options.
Bullsh*t. If she's feeding you that line - don't buy it. I live in a rural area 30 minutes from Iowa City. There are PLENTY of bus options all around her. Trust me on this. I know. I shipped and picked up both my step kids multiple times from various bus locations around Iowa City. I checked all my options for bus and train and there are MANY options. Surely she has friends or a neighbor or a co-worker that she can pay to drop her off at a bus station in Iowa City. And before you say she doesn't have any - that's BS too. This is Iowa. People are nice here and usually will drive someone to the station out of the kindness of their own heart. It's what Iowan's do best. Help people in need. Tell her to play the poor thing who hasn't see her kids in awhile and desperately needs a ride.
Sorry. Not buying that excuse. Again. Do not make her issue, your issue.
Show no sympathy for her. Seriously. Do not enable her. Do what is reasonable and fair, and only that. If she wants to see her kids and she is any kind of a good mom, she'll figure it out. Does she have family here? A boyfriend? I find it hard to believe she has absolutely no means at all.
Stick to your guns.