What can I do for her?

MountainMama79

Hello all,

First of all, I'm so sorry that any of you amazing women even have to post on this board.  I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. 

I'm here because a friend of mine just lost her baby boy at 20 weeks and I just don't know what I can do for her to bring her even a small measure of comfort.

Is there anything someone said to you or did for you that helped you at all?  I'm already arranging dinners for her for the week but just didn't know if there is anything else...I just feel so helpless and it sucks.

 

wmthorpe0815

Just be there for her. I know its not alot, but when there are people constantly trying to console and give you words of wisdom its nice to have a friend who just listens. Dont bring it up unless she wants to talk. I cant tell you how amazing it is to have my two best friends sit with me and listen. They wait for me to mention my daughter or what I am going through. I am new to this board and I still have a lifetime to go but having a friend who still loves you and wants to be with you even though this tragedy happened is a wonderful release. Dinners are always great but an open heart and ears are the greatest gift you can give her. She will never heal but she will learn to cope. It is a learning process for us all and everyday (or in my case every hour) is a struggle. Good luck to your friend. My heart breaks for her loss. I am so sorry.

pottermommy

First off I am sorry to hear of your friend's loss.  Please feel free to direct her here if she feels she needs or wants to talk.  The women here are so so supportive. 

Honestly just let her know that you are there if she needs you.  And don't be afraid to say her baby's name and to just let her talk if she needs to. 

Other than that, at the top of the main page there is a link that says how to help or what to do something like that.  There is also a what not to do list that may be helpful as well.

Once again I am so sorry that your friend is going through this.

lrichmond86

I know for me the things that I appreciated the most were memorial things... little things that let me know that people were remembering my son.  For example, one friend got me a bracelet with his birthstone on it, another had a stone engraved from him at the hospital he was born at, and my aunt purchased a tree to be planted in his honor.  I think one fear that many loss moms have is that their angels will be forgotten.  It makes us feel better to know that's not true.

figgs0831

I think Pottermommy said it best.  What I found most frustrating about this, is that people don't recgonize our babies and tend to forget as soon as it's over.  If she named the baby... use the name.  Try to remember her angelversary and EDD and be extra supportive during that time.  Even if it is just a phone call to say that you are thinking of her and are there if she needs. 

Also, let her direct the support.  For me, I didn't want anyone around or near me at first.  Then I slowly worked up the courage to talk on the phone.  Don't push, just let her know that you are there when she is ready.

I am so glad you are doing the dinners.  I recieved this wonderful gift from my support group and it was SO helpful.  The last thing you want to do is cook when you get home and you tend to forget to take care of yourself (or your husband).

magdalina.h

Just be there. Let her talk to you about him if she wants to. Say his name, if they named him. Treat her like a normal person. She will have a lot of people right now giving her pity and that sucks. My best friend while sensitive with me, also made me laugh and I needed that.

do NOT tell her "It happened for a reason, God has a plan, you can have more children, you're so young (if she is)" If you are at a loss for words hug her.