- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
Help me be diplomatic with MIL
So, we live in California, but my in-laws live in New York. They are planning to come out around the time of the baby's birth- and we are excited to see them. However, we live in a really tiny condo, so they will be staying elsewhere.
Anyway, I just got an e-mail from my mother-in-law. She is planning on staying a week (or more!) longer than the FIL and SIL, and she would like to stay on our sofa. If our house was bigger, we would not have an issue with her staying at our house, but I really think that the idea of having a new baby and a mother-in-law staying on the sofa sounds anything but "helpful."
How should I approach this diplomatically? I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I certainly want to be looking forward to their visit instead of dreading it- which I will, if I know that she'll on our sofa for a week.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me be diplomatic with MIL
ooooh...this is a hard one. If you really don't mind her company, I'd probably suck it up and let her stay on the sofa. It is only a week after all. If it were longer, I'd probably say something, but a week will fly, and who knows...maybe she'll get up early with baby for you a few times!
Make a pregnancy ticker
I would send her a few cheap hotel options...I don't know your relationship with your MIL, but if it were mine, I would be annoyed. (We get along great, but she's a lot to handle in large doses.)
Have your husband talk to her...just tell her that you will be so overwhelmed and will probably be crashing on the couch yourself, but you'd love her to stay in extra week in a nearby hotel.
I have a similar but opposite problem. We live in NY and my parents in live CA. They both want to come visit and stay with us, which would mean the couch or a blow up mattress as well. I've let them know that, while I would LOVE for them to come visit and stay with us, I'd rather put it off until a few weeks after the baby is born if they're going to stay with us. Having a baby is an amazing experience but it does come with a lot of growth and change. Growth can often times mean growing pains and I'd like the privacy and freedom to experience all of this without the added consideration of having somebody stay with me.
That being said, I feel that way because my parents are extremely high maintenance. They came out when I had DS and my SD couldn't stay still. He re-constructed my kitchen and then complained about a "waste of a trip" until we finally went out and did stuff with my 2 day old. They also both smoke and drink so are more trouble than they're worth.
My MIL is actually pretty mellow and can be a help when she wants to be (lots of drama there but she has her good sides). If she wanted to come stay with a week, I'd tell her ok. I could use the help cooking, cleaning, walking the dogs, grocery shopping, etc. She wouldn't mind if the house was messy or if we literally spent the entire week on the couch. If you have this type of mother in law and can make a "MIL do list" then I'd take her up on it. I'd also explain that you don't really want help with the baby, since you're learning to be a new mom and need to experience that for yourself, but you think the help around the house would be nice. It's especially nice if DH has to go back to work. I swear that every time I'd turn on the shower for the first 6 months I'd hear the baby cry. I'd turn it off, silence. Turn on it, baby cry. It's nice to have somebody there that can grab the baby if they wake up while you take a shower, change clothes, do whatever.
This!
You're not over thinking, I think you're spot on! It took me quite a while to learn to breastfeed lying down and so for the first few weeks, wound up going to the living room to nurse in the middle of the night. Your MIL might be willing to take a turn at night, but even if she's willing, it's not like she could nurse the baby. You would have to get up anyway.
My mother stayed with us for nearly a month and was wonderful. She did all the cooking and cleaning, and often disappeared into the nursery that we had made up into a bedroom for her so we could have some space. My mother is also extremely low maintenance, very limited drama, had 6 kids (and breastfed all of them!), and has a wonderful relationship with my husband and I. Under any other circumstances I would not have wanted her there. Her attitude was that she was there to do anything she could to help us adjust to having a baby. It was a wonderful gift, but she could give it because I trusted that she wouldn't be taking energy that I didn't have. It sounds like you don't have that confidence with your MIL. I also think that it's not your job to refuse her request. That is her son's job. The other option is if you have any close friends in the area, might they be willing to host her for a week? Providing her a car might be easier than providing living arrangements and if you have someone who you're very close with, they might be willing to help out in this particular way. (That worked for us at one point when we were living in a space to small to host anyone... a little less than 400 square feet. It wasn't going to happen.)
Will she truly be helpful? Does your hubby REALLY think she'll expect him to entertain her? You will be in survival mode to just take care of the baby- if she's someone you can just say "can you make me a sandwich?" or throw a load of laundry in- let her just stay. Unless your hubby needs to go back to work right away, he's in this with you- change the baby before or after you feed him/her. Let that be the judge- will she actually be helpful- if so, you'll be so happy she's there. My mom (who lives 15 minutes a day) stayed w/ us for almost 2 weeks- my crotch was terribly pained with big time tearing and ALL of my energy that I could muster was spent resting and taking care of the baby. My mom did pretty much all of the cooking and cleaning for us- a total life saver!! So whatever you guys decide- know that if she's a helpful type- you won't mind sharing a couch w/ her for a week.
Get things settled NOW before baby comes...
when I had my DD#1 -- we had SIX people stay with us for a WHOLE WEEK after DD was born... we live in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house... I was a nervous wreck.
That WILL NOT BE HAPPENING AGAIN...
My in laws are more than welcome to stay in our house while we are at the hospital - as long as they go by our rules - DD#1 goes to daycare until naptime is over.. and so on. After that they can get a hotel and stay as long as they want also as long as they go by our rules - not staying too late - not coming over to early - etc!