Mixed feelings

lrichmond86

DH and I talked this weekend and agreed that so long as everything is medically in check with me we would start TTC again in April/May.  I have such mixed feelings about this I can't even pick minute to minute!  I want so badly to be pregnant again... like, RIGHT NOW!  At the same time I'm terrified to be pregnant again for my own sanity.  I have always struggled with anxiety/panic disorder and I know that I'm going to be a basket case from the second I pee on that little stick.  Also, I'm frustrated because we were told that the cause of death for our baby was most likely one thing, but the more research I do the harder it is for me to fully believe that.  Our doc. said that the cause of death was most likely cord injury (the cord was wrapped VERY tightly around his neck 4 times... tight enough to leave a mark).  The autopsy showed that there was a partial placenta abruption, and our doc. also said that this likely happened during delivery and was likely caused by the cord being shortened from being wrapped so many times.  However I also had pre-e (only for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy) and I know that placenta abruption can also be caused by this.  It's all so confusing.  If the abruption was caused by the cord injury the likelihood of it happening again is much smaller than if it was caused by the pre-e.  As much as I want a second child, I'm just so worried that this will happen to us again.  I know that my desire for a take-home baby is greater than my worry and we will try again this spring... I just wish things were more clear cut.  Oh, this life that we have now...

Petunia844

I completely understand...my dr also told me it had nothing to do with the pre-e and yet it seems so unlikely.  In the end I just know I need to be monitored closely, take the low dose aspirin and be prepared.  I also recognize that most pre-e pregnancies don't result in loss.  Ultimately though I just had to take a leap of faith.

pb127

Could you talk to your OB about watching you carefully for pre-e next time?  I am having similar feelings about TTCAL. After m/c-ing too now, I'm very, very concerned about... everything.

pottermommy

I am going to give you a happy ending after Pre E story, if you don't want one don't read the below text.

 

 

 

FWIW, I had HELLP pre E with Kam, it showed up at 32 weeks but my doc was a not very nice word and didn't believe me and by the time she was born early by emergency C section two weeks later I was having siezures and everything. 

She was super tiny and we almost lost her then (it seems kinda cruel that she made it through that and then died less than two years later).

But I got Pg with Gabriel and while they did diagnose the Pre and then the HELLP they were able to monitor it closely, put me on bedrest and meds and he made it all the way to 39 weeks and was so so so healthy. 

It was super scary I am not going to lie, I posted on PgAL and over here several times about the fear but we made it.  I don't know if you want a good ending story but I wanted you (and tunia) to see that it is entire possible and probable to get that rainbow even after HELLP or Pre E. 

 

pottermommy

And just in case you didn't want to see that story I wanted to add that I am glad you and DH came to a decision, as difficult that it is.  I hope that everything goes wonderfully for you and I will keep you in my thoughts.

T's and P's and just know that the PgAL board kept me sane as did several of the women here.  You are welcome to PM me anytime if you have questions or just need to vent about the TTCAL if you like.  I totally get the fear of it all.

lrichmond86

Potter... thank you so much!  I totally needed to hear that!  It's so easy to get wrapped up in the fear of our loss and forget that women have perfectly healthy pregnancies all the time.  I have plans this Saturday to chat with a family friend who had a late loss and went on to have two more beautiful children, so hopefully that will help a little.  Thank God I have you ladies... otherwise I think I would have already gone off the deep end

magdalina.h

I totally understand. I was originally told to wait 6 months because I had a c/s. My OB called at 4 months and said all of my blood work was fine so we could start trying then. I was all over the place emotion wise because it is so normal to want to get pg right away, but then to feel so guilty. I sat in a corner and rocked when I got my BFP. I was very nervous/anxious but it wasn't consuming for me.

My cord failed and that's why he was born early so I was terrified it would happen again, but I was being monitored so closely that I felt more comfortable.

We didn't start trying until I was able to honestly say that my desire to have children outweighed my fear. We had planned on no longer TTA right after Lucas' birthday, but I'm back to the fear outweighing my desire for another child so we're waiting.