Why must family dynamics be so difficult?

shanwalk2

As I've told you before, MIL is kind... But so needy with DH. The divorce from FIL makes that neediness amplified by 100%. She spent almost two weeks here over Christmas (she's a teacher) while I was off work, and DH got to whisk off to work every single day. I was alone with her and it made me totally crazy. So, she texted on Saturday to both of us "what are yalls plans for spring break?" (knowing that I have off too). I immediately told DH to please not respond until we could talk about it. So, tonight I told him I don't think she should come unless he was off work too, as it left too much pressure on me (to cook, clean, entertain, pick up after her, etc). now DH is all upset. He wasn't angry, but he's acting all hurt , and saying "I guess I understand", but pouting. I know she's going through a hard time, but i cannot babysit a grown woman (who is obessesd with her perfect oldest son). And I'm going to be super pissed if he takes the week off to be here for her when I've been BEGGING him to take off so we can take a trip together.
Is saying no to DH about her visiting a sh1tty thing to do? Do you entertain your MIL without DH around? Ugggh... I'm feeling like a terrible person one minute, but justified in another.

ali-1411

Ugh that would suck.  My inlaws have visited once in 5 years so fortunately we don't have this issue. 

I think you guys could find a compromise.  If she comes, then maybe he doesn't need to take the whole week off but just a couple half days.  And let her know ahead of time that you've already made some plans so you hope she doesn't mind being on her own a bit. 

SareBear30

I totally think you are justified. The woman has no boundaries and it makes me uncomfortable just hearing about the things she says and does. I think it's valid that you don't want to babysit her the whole time. I would talk with DH about taking a trip just the two of y'all. But if he isn't willing to do that, or take off of she comes, I would definitely find something else for you to do and be busy during at least some of those days. Or maybe she could come for just a few days? A compromise is definitely in order and I would start workin on laying the groundwork for those boundaries now because I would worry about her wanting to move in when you have kids (kidding. Sort of.) good luck!

SarahPLiz

I can entertain my MIL, but all that really takes is a bottle of booze, a carton of cigarettes and a cat or 2. She'd feel right at home.DH doesn't want my mom to visit very often because she aggravates him (although she loves him dearly). If she were to come visit while I was at work, he'd throw the baby at her and go hide in his computer room.  

But in your case I think it is entirely ok to tell your DH that you are uncomfortable with having his mom around all the time. You shouldn't have to work on your vacation, and taking care of her is work. I think he likes the feeling of having her occupied, like he's a good son because she's visiting, but he doesn't actually have to deal with her all day. Its a win win for him and a lose lose for you. That's not fair to you and he needs to realize that. 

Maybe tell her you have plans for half the week but she is welcome to come for  a few days if she wants. Then pack your bags and put them by the door on Tuesday night and send her on the way in the morning. All you have to do is put bags in the car and go out for breakfast, then go back home. Don't answer your phone for the rest of the week and she'll be none the wiser.  

OrangeFelt

SarahPLiz:

But in your case I think it is entirely ok to tell your DH that you are uncomfortable with having his mom around all the time. You shouldn't have to work on your vacation, and taking care of her is work. I think he likes the feeling of having her occupied, like he's a good son because she's visiting, but he doesn't actually have to deal with her all day. Its a win win for him and a lose lose for you. That's not fair to you and he needs to realize that. 

Totally agree.. I'd take issue with it being your time that isn't yours anymore. There is SO much going on in Austin that week, too, so maybe tell her you have plans? SXSW! Haha. Even if its not your thing, its a big festival. Maybe she'll even want to avoid the area since there's soooo much going on?

rssnlvr

shanwalk2:

Do you entertain your MIL without DH around?

helllllllllll no. Not unless there are very extenuating circumstances, and even then it would only be a couple of hours that she and I would be together without him. 

I think it's selfish of them to want to ruin your week off. 

Maybe you could take a girls trip that week instead? Your MIL could come sit at the house by herself all day, your DH could see his mom in the evenings, and you could be away from it all, enjoying yourself.

atlantic

I have mixed feelings... I don't necessarily disagree with the previous posters.  But I also feel really sorry for her - -she obviously had her life completely turned upside-down when her husband left and I'm sure she really needs to feel loved.  No, it's not your mom, but she is your family now, and a visit may really lift her up.  I like the idea of a compromise.  Your DH takes off the full week and MIL comes for part, then you guys take a mini-vacay for part.  Or he works half days...

As I'm sitting here in the hospital hoping and praying that these babies stay put for a while, I get an email from my MIL that my FIL really feels like something is going to happen soon and March 2nd and 3rd are good dates for babies because they're other people's birthdays.  I'm like...uh... yeah, they'd likely be fine but they still could need help breathing, will need feeding tubes, and be in the NICU at LEAST a month.  Let's all focus on them cooking, okay? Don't tell me that! (which is exactly what I told her...ha, ha!)  Moms are so clueless sometimes! 

brooke152

No, I do not think that saying no is a shitty thing to do.  You should not have to entertain your MIL on your week off.  Your DH should understand that is your vacation time, too, and I'm sure you don't want to spend it all with your MIL.  It's not fair to you.  If he insists, then I would say that she can come vist for 3 days max and then you have things to do. 

I had to entertain my MIL for 5 days when DS was born and it was awful.  She is so needy!  It made me crazy.  You should have the opportunity to do whatever you want to do on your time off from work. 

Mrs.Purdue

definitely not shitty.  but i do think a compromise would be a good thing.  it would give her a chance to visit and lift her spirits while not completely annihilating your well-deserved break as well. 

my mom (who sounds a lot like your MIL) is coming for part of her spring break too.  She knows that coming the whole time is too much for both of us, so she's coming wednesday through sunday.  

FireChiefsBride

atlantic:

I have mixed feelings... I don't necessarily disagree with the previous posters.  But I also feel really sorry for her - -she obviously had her life completely turned upside-down when her husband left and I'm sure she really needs to feel loved.  No, it's not your mom, but she is your family now, and a visit may really lift her up.  I like the idea of a compromise.  Your DH takes off the full week and MIL comes for part, then you guys take a mini-vacay for part.  Or he works half days...

As I'm sitting here in the hospital hoping and praying that these babies stay put for a while, I get an email from my MIL that my FIL really feels like something is going to happen soon and March 2nd and 3rd are good dates for babies because they're other people's birthdays.  I'm like...uh... yeah, they'd likely be fine but they still could need help breathing, will need feeding tubes, and be in the NICU at LEAST a month.  Let's all focus on them cooking, okay? Don't tell me that! (which is exactly what I told her...ha, ha!)  Moms are so clueless sometimes! 

That is exactly what I was going to suggest. Everyone wins.

And take care, Atlantic. Sorry your ILs are being boneheads.