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and our (older) son hates us...
you guys, I am so upset about this...I know it will pass, but Warner has been a complete disaster since I came home from the hospital. he's fine towards Zachary, but it's clear that he is NOT happy with mommy and daddy. he now fights us tooth and nail on every little thing.
he's always been so good about his bedtime routine--always brushes his teeth and lets us wash his face before bed, then he picks out his pajamas and we get him changed for bed. Tonight he just refused to do it. he was screaming and crying like a mad man while DH and I basically wrestled him into his pajamas. this is after a time out where he screamed his head off the whole time. he's never been perfect and I've seen plenty of tantrums from him, but this is different--much worse and he just seems so frustrated.
We've been making sure to spend as much time with him as possible. with the ILs here, I've basically been handing off the baby to them when I'm not nursing so I can play with Warner. and we're trying not to overdo it and treat him really different, but he just seems so angry now. Again, I know it won't last forever, but it's really breaking my heart.
any advice from those of you who have been through this?
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Re: and our (older) son hates us...
that's a good idea...hadn't thought of that. but it's not just the bedtime routine, that was just an example. it's needing to put on/take off his shoes, wash his hands, come eat a meal, etc. basically, anything that's not exactly what he wants to be doing at that second. ugh.
DS had a really tough transition to big brotherhood. I'm not going to tell you any actual stories because they'll break your heart, but let's just say that in his quiet moments, he was able to give humongous guilt trips. Those were coupled with extreme outbursts of emotion, resentfulness, and fighting everything. The first month was the worst. We were still trying to get into our routine again, had visitors off and on that would mess it up, and since he was having so much difficulty with the transition, we weren't buckling down on the rules as much as we should have. Getting back to following our rules all of the time actually helped a ton. Throwing a fit at bedtime? Take too long and there won't be time for all of your stories. Take even longer, there won't be time for stories at all. It crushed our soul to have to do things like that, but it honestly made him better overall. The loss of structure and routine really messed him up.
Month two was better, month three was even better, and then we were mostly good until DD got mobile.
ETA:
Warner is also nearing 3, which is um, not a fun age. Could be the beginning of that as well.
this happens w/ DD every so often. It's horrible and I am usually crying right along w/ her and it's just so.damn.difficult. She also has a very strong-willed personality. So this particular example could just be his age as Agrippa said.
Do you tell Warner what to do a lot? Perhaps you should tell the baby the same, while he's listening, i.e.: "Zachary, just a second, Mommy is helping Warner with.... right now" but obviously when Z doesn't really need you. "I'll change your diaper in a moment, I am helping Warner go potty right now," "I'll nurse you as soon as I get Warner his snack" when you know you won't need to nurse for another 5-10 minutes. If he ever asks to nurse, offer to do so, chances are he won't follow through.
I think he just craves attention, not just from you/DH but everyone, your ILs, visitors, etc. It will take time to adjust. Be sure to involve him, ask him to get you a diaper, a wipe, a clean outfit for Z, etc. and be sure to praise him and tell him what a good brother he is and how lucky Z is to have him.
But also stick to his routine and discipline as usual.
It's a hard adjustment for everyone, it'll take time!
When people have asked how DS is doing as a big brother, our standard answer has been that he's great with the baby -- and not so great with us. He is so sweet with DD, but for the first six to eight weeks, he was a handful and a half with us. He's not perfect now by any means, but he's back to more of his usual self.
Time is probably the main factor in his improvement, but we also realized around the month to six week mark that we really needed to focus on consistency in routine and in discipline. Of course, there were a lot of changes we couldn't help, but we worked our way back to our usual routine and rules as much as we could.
DH and I spent quite a bit of time talking about rules/discipline/behavior while he was home on paternity leave. On paternity leave, DH saw a lot more of the difficult side of DS because DH was suddenly a regular part of nap time, bedtime, etc., rather than just making special appearances when he got home from work early or on weekends. Being less of a novelty meant that DH suddenly got the full brunt of the tantrums and challenging behaviors.
Not exactly on topic, but I think I had as much trouble adjusting to the changes as DS did. I went from spending the whole day with DS, doing things like going to museums and to the park, to spending the whole day at home with a newborn. We're all adjusting, but life with two is definitely different than life with one. Take care of yourself, too
Aww...sorry you are going through this. You've already gotten a lot of great advice, I would just echo the more one on one time suggestion. When I had #2, I felt so much guilt about it and I thought--wait, millions of parents have more than one and kids turn out fine. I hope it gets better soon.
I did this - gave the baby to DH or SIL so I could give Maggie as much attention as possible. It was never enough though and Maggie also never acted out at the baby just us. After about 5-6 weeks and seeing that it was never enough and just getting worse with her throwing herself at me while I was holding the baby we would give her calm down timeouts. I didn't time them like a regular timeout - she just stayed there until she calmed down from the hysterical screaming and tantrum.
I felt awful giving her to's for reacting to the new baby (which I felt was totally my fault) but the behavior is just unacceptable and sometimes dangerous (throwing herself at me). This worked for us in about a week and half she was back to her regular self and normal tantrums/whining. I will say she never took more than 10 min to calm herself down (which seems like an eternity when they are screaming for you) but I just didn't know what else to do. Basically we didn't reward the behavior and tried to show her it was getting her nowhere.
It may be more difficult at bedtime because you do have to get them dressed for bed etc, but maybe just try and move through that fast as possible with the fighting. In general both of my kids would fight me at that age (Molly does this mostly in the mornings) about getting dressed, it is not fun so I feel your pain, we just get through it quickly and then they get a little better.
It can be really tough when you are trying to take care of the baby and need to deal with the older one's behavior. There was a lot of crying in our house those first few weeks (mine too).
That sounds like our nights! Welcome to age 3 a little early.
Poor guy--the new brother/almost 3 combo has got to be tough.
DS has had a sibling since he was 19 mos. old, but when he turned 3 he turned a really bad corner in the behavior department. It's been going on for about 4 mos. now, and we have our good weeks and bad weeks.