Honoring deceased friend - Sensitive

Shellydawn422 · February 2012

So this is a sensitive topic so I thought I would air it out here before bringing it up with friends and family...I have not yet talked to DH about it.

I recently lost a very good friend and collegue named Sam*. Over the last ten years he has changed my life and the lives of others. I want to honor his love, friendship, and dedication to our work by giving the name Samuel* as either a FN or MN if we have a boy. My concern stems from the fact that Sam took his own life. He had struggled with depression for a long time - but this came as a shock even to those of us that knew him best. We are all still finding our way in the grieving process, and some are processing news of his death differently than others.

I don't want others to be upset, but I feel strongly about honoring my friend in this way. I want our friends to be supportive but I honestly am not sure how they will react. On a seperate note - I am pretty sure DH will be supportive but will be scared about explaining all of this to our child one day. To me this is not an issue - I want to teach our kids about our friend's life, and what he represents for us. Thoughts?

HannahO28 · February 2012

I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sxia · February 2012

You feel strongly about it. Do it. You can tell the kid you're named after someone who died tragically. Later you can say he killed himself.

Why would this be a bad thing?

Kelli7025 · February 2012

I think I would have to say MN on this one. I am all for using it, and teaching your child about what an influence this friend was to you, but I dont think its wise to have this reference attached to your child as their FN. He might not appreciate it once he is old enough to understand everything that happened.

I am sorry for your loss, but I think it is awesome that you want your friend to be remembered this way. I bet he is looking down smiling

Svenny1011 · February 2012

While slightly different, a very close friend of mine just had a baby in January. To honor her brother, who took his own life, she gave her daughter his name as her middle name. I think it is incredibly sweet.

If that person meant something to you and you hold them dearly in your heart, then it doesn't matter how they passed. People take their own lives for reasons I'll never be able to fully understand, but that doesn't make their life and their impact on yours any less meaningful, important, etc.

When explaining it to your child, if you feel you have to, be honest - this was someone who made a difference in your life and you wanted to honor them. You don't necessarily have to tell them that they took their own life, but rather just it was a close friend that passed away at a young age.

wwnbw · February 2012

I would use it but I don't think I would ever tell my child how he died.

526SadieSadie · February 2012

HannahO28:
I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

I couldn't have put it any better myself.

alliejo725 · February 2012

What you choose to name your child, and the reasons for it, are entirely between you and your husband. If your husband isn't comfortable using this name, I think you'll have to concede to that, though.

If you're asking for my personal thoughts.....I would not name my child after someone who committed suicide.

ETA: I feel like I should clarify; because it's controversial and I don't think that's fair to a child, not because I think committing suicide soils someone's reputation/makes them no longer worthy of the honor.

irish city girl · February 2012

I, personally, don't think it matters how the person died if they were important to you. I lost a cousin to suicide when I was 10 and I have considered naming a child after him, but have decided not to (mainly because DH doesn't really like the name and I'm not sure how his sisters would feel about it).

I think if he meant that much to you, you should use the name.

tattedlaura · February 2012

HannahO28:
I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

All of this.

FrecklesInside · February 2012

I agree with most of what has been said - if you and H agree on it, use it. The way that your friend died does not change the way that he influenced your life... I think you should definitely tell your child though, when he is old enough. If H agrees with you, then I think you should do it. Don't worry about what your other friends/colleagues will think about it if you and H feel it is the right thing to do and if you want to honor Sam in this way.

Trshirley74 · February 2012

I am really on the fence on this. Bottom line, do what you feel....but take into consideration the sensitive connotations that are involved here and how it will effect your child. I would also steer toward using as a middle name also. Also recognize the long term on this. You say that this happened recently so understandably your emotions are very raw and on the surface right now. Be aware this may subside over time, give your decision as much time as possible. Best wishes and I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your family.

Aligator28 · February 2012

My DH's best friend died last summer (they had been friends since kindergarten). If this next baby is a boy he will have the mn Ryan, after my DH's friend. I think it is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Indynurse12 · February 2012

HannahO28:
I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I completely agree.

mamahawk12 · February 2012

I say absolutely use it. Depression is an illness. Your friend was sick, and I think that is the best way to explain it to your child ("Sam was very sick and couldn't live on the Earth anymore" will be enough information for most young children.) You don't need to tell your 4 year old that his namesake took his own life. When he's older and asks for details you can explain - but by then your child should be mature enough to understand. It's not shameful - it's beautiful that you want to honor your friend.

queenbone · February 2012

Were you considering naming your son after your friend before he killed himself? I guess I don't understand. You can still remember him and the positive impact he had on your life without naming your child after him.

I would put it in the MN spot. I would not like to have that "you're named after someone who committed suicide" revelation at any age. I'd find it creepy, but then I worry about jinxing things.

LLB430 · February 2012

My life long friend took her life on the 4th of this month, if I have a girl I have considered using her name as a middle name. She was like a second mom to me and an amazing person who suffered from a horrible illness that caused her to take her life. So I say if your husband likes it you should use it and don't care what others think!

StrawberryAlarmClock · February 2012

HannahO28:
I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

Well said.

teacherjess · February 2012

I think it's about how we live, not how we die, so I would absolutely use it. I don't think there is anything shameful or embarrassing about suicide, and while it is a sad story that you will tell to your child one day, I don't think it makes his life lessened in any way. I think it is touching.

babyack2012 · February 2012

HannahO28:
I would absolutely use it, if your husband is comfortable with the idea. You're doing what everyone else should be doing--remembering your friend as he lived, not as he died. There's nothing wrong with that.

absolutely this.

happyhoopla · February 2012

I would make sure that you check with him family, espcially if there is a chance that your son will be around them at any time.

shaina1215 · February 2012

I understand the desire to name your baby after a deceased loved one. This is the naming tradition of my family/culture. However I do believe your child will ask specifically HOW your friend died, even at a young age, so you should be prepared for that and explaining suicide in a way a child can comprehend and not be scary.

My son and daughter are both named for my mother who is also deceased. My son is now 6 and has asked several times since the age of 4 or 5 and just asked again a few days ago about how we chose his names (FN and MN) which leads to "how did she die" "she was very sick" "sick with what?" "she had cancer" "what is cancer?" and then we have to (sort of) explain what cancer is and "why couldn't she get better". Or if he sees a picture of her, or if I'm talking about her - it does come up, even at a young age. Kids ask a lot of questions! It sounds like you will have pictures or stories to share of your friend too, so that discussion will come up sooner than you think. It's tough, but worth it to me for them to have her name.

If you and your husband can agree, and you feel so strongly, then use the name (though personally I'd use it as a MN), just be prepared with how you'll explain that way of dying, and prepared to do so even to a 4-5-6 yr old.