proud of myself and needed to share! (baby mentioned)

medblais · February 2012

Today I went out of my way to make plans and visit a coworker/friend who had her baby in January. I had a lot of anxiety about it, and have worried for the past several days about what it was going to be like. I have been avoiding babies since my loss, and it hurts my heart when I see strangers with their small babies, so this was a pretty big deal for me. I went to my friend's house, and within the first 2 minutes of being there she asked if I wanted to hold her son. I did, and I was great! Not only did I hold myself together the whole visit (which was about 45min), I didn't feel weepy or sad. I held her son, calmed him down because he was screaming when she handed him to me, and even got him to sleep. I just feel really proud of myself because I feel like it was such a huge step for me, and it was really difficult for me to work up the nerve to go there, and even to get out of the car! Part of me wants to rationalize that maybe it was because I lost a daughter and her baby is a boy that I handled it ok, or find some other reason I didn't freak out and fall apart as expected. Mostly I am just happy it turned out the way it did and I feel really good about it, like it was a step in the right direction for me. I just needed to share with people who might be able to understand the feeling and not judge Smile