Starting my journey

preciousmetal

Hi, I'm new here. I've been lurking but afraid to write anything up to now. I was afraid that writing something would mean that I would finally have to admit that something was wrong with me, and I wasn't ready to deal with it. But thanks to all the other posts that I've been reading, I finally had the courage to talk to my doctor yesterday about PPA.

It started out as me obsessing over little things, like checking my kids over and over to make sure they were still breathing, and that the blankets weren't over their faces. And it's become so much more. I have visions in my head of horrible things...all the horrible what-ifs. I was so worried about my DD when we went out to Chuck E Cheese for her b-day in January. I kept thinking someone was waiting to drag her in the bathroom and rape her if I took my eyes off her for a second. I knew things were really bad when the panic set in because I heard a little boy crying while I was out shopping last week. I had my own kids at home with my husband.The look on that little boy's face is burned into my memory. For all I know, he was just tired or hungry and being cranky. But I cannot stop my brain from going to such a dark place.

I've just started medication for it tonight. I am really scared about taking this. I am worried about the effects this will have on my baby, since I am still breastfeeding. I'm also worried about the effect that this will have on my relationship with my husband. I've tried to talk to him about how I've been feeling, and I've been met with a very "whatever" reaction to anything I've said. He's told me that I should do whatever I need to do to feel better, but he's so blah about it, I would have gotten the same reaction if I told him I needed to buy socks. Just meh. 

I told him yesterday that I got the prescription written from my doc, but I wouldn't get it filled if he didn't want me to. He spent the day looking up the side effects of the drug, and is so worried about how this interfering with our sex life. Honestly, I didn't even care about that until he brought it up. I haven't had any desire whatsoever to have sex since the night our DS was conceived.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop on here and say thank you ladies for being here. Just having an outlet to talk to people who understand what I'm going through is a real blessing for me right now. I just need to get better.