Would you let someone else

Andie_83

Discipline your child? I was lurking on another board and this seems to be a very hot topic, so I thought I would throw it out there.

What's your opinion on someone else discipling your child? IMO, if my child is doing something wrong, as in they or someone else could get hurt, I would expect the adult around responsible for them to correct my child. I don't neccessarily mean spanking, but even making them have a "time out" would be okay with me. A lot of the opinions were "no one can discipline my child but me!" But what if you aren't around, and your child is misbehaving? You're obviously not there to tell them that they're doing wrong, so would you prefer the caregiver not correct them and wait until you are around to do the disciplining?

hepcats

I think as long as they're not spanking them, they should be able to discipline them. I pay them to watch my kid, and feel okay with that, but not discipline them? That seems silly.

Birdies08

If LO were doing something unequivocally not ok, like something dangerous, of course I would expect another adult to step in. 

I guess my feelings depend on many variables. If the person doing the discipline were a sitter I left LO with, definitely I would expect them to discipline her. I also would talk with the sitter before hand about our approach to discipline and also let the sitter clearly know our expectations of LO, so we knew LO wasn't being disciplined for a behavior that's ok in our house.

I would never be ok with someone spanking or otherwise hitting her.

If I were at a party or the park and I didn't see LO do something, I would be fine with another adult stepping in, but would also hope they would defer to me, you know? Like, instead of yelling at her, they would say, "We need to go talk to your mom about this," and then I could deal with it. That would be my preference.

Andie_83

Birdies08:

If LO were doing something unequivocally not ok, like something dangerous, of course I would expect another adult to step in. 

I guess my feelings depend on many variables. If the person doing the discipline were a sitter I left LO with, definitely I would expect them to discipline her. I also would talk with the sitter before hand about our approach to discipline and also let the sitter clearly know our expectations of LO, so we knew LO wasn't being disciplined for a behavior that's ok in our house.

I would never be ok with someone spanking or otherwise hitting her.

If I were at a party or the park and I didn't see LO do something, I would be fine with another adult stepping in, but would also hope they would defer to me, you know? Like, instead of yelling at her, they would say, "We need to go talk to your mom about this," and then I could deal with it. That would be my preference.

This is what I would expect too, if I was somewhere around.

magnoliablossom00

As a former teacher, I mean... of course other people have to discipline your child/children. I did it all the time! (and I don't mean negative discipline all the time, I tried to do mostly positive reinforcement/extra attention, etc).

Now, school NOT being involved, I have no problem with grandparents/family/close friends telling my child to "knock it off", calling me, or putting her in time out (if she has already been informed to stop). Children need boundaries.

However, DH's family is from the freakin' STICKS and somehow think I am CRAZY for not allowing them to spank my child. They were making fun of another "city girl" in the family because she won't let anyone else spank her children. I said, "Well, NO ONE besides myself or my husband will be laying a finger on my child. I don't even know if I will be spanking my child, and let me assure you that if I find out anyone else hits her for ANY reason at all, it will NOT go over well." 

They didn't really say anything, but rolled their eyes. We don't get along very well.... Is it obvious? 

cassoppea

I agree - I'd hope someone would discipline my child if I weren't there to do it.  I guess I would hope they would do it in a similar way to what I would do and that they would reinforce behaviors that I try to enforce.  It's hard to have different things coming from different people (especially people who are around my child a lot, like her Grandparents).  I guess I would stress consistency!

Just as a side note - in my job, I often see kids misbehaving right in front of their parents.  The parents sometimes don't do anything about it!  It puts me in a really awkward position - am I supposed to discipline them?  Wait for their parents to do it? (which sometimes doesn't happen).  There are times where I let it go but if it is something that is blatantly dangerous or inappropriate, I will say something.  For instance, one time a child purposely spit on me right in front of his father.  His father said nothing so I told him, firmly but nicely, that his behavior was inappropriate and to please apologize.  It was very awkward but I felt something had to be said.

Andie_83

mkd00:

As a former teacher, I mean... of course other people have to discipline your child/children. I did it all the time! (and I don't mean negative discipline all the time, I tried to do mostly positive reinforcement/extra attention, etc).

Now, school NOT being involved, I have no problem with grandparents/family/close friends telling my child to "knock it off", calling me, or putting her in time out (if she has already been informed to stop). Children need boundaries.

However, DH's family is from the freakin' STICKS and somehow think I am CRAZY for not allowing them to spank my child. They were making fun of another "city girl" in the family because she won't let anyone else spank her children. I said, "Well, NO ONE besides myself or my husband will be laying a finger on my child. I don't even know if I will be spanking my child, and let me assure you that if I find out anyone else hits her for ANY reason at all, it will NOT go over well." 

They didn't really say anything, but rolled their eyes. We don't get along very well.... Is it obvious? 

I still don't know how I feel about this too! There are all sorts of things that go through my mind when I think about it, like, will it make my child think it's okay to use violence when they're angry, blah blah blah... lol I'm so on the fence!

gymnst1013

Birdies08:

If LO were doing something unequivocally not ok, like something dangerous, of course I would expect another adult to step in. 

I guess my feelings depend on many variables. If the person doing the discipline were a sitter I left LO with, definitely I would expect them to discipline her. I also would talk with the sitter before hand about our approach to discipline and also let the sitter clearly know our expectations of LO, so we knew LO wasn't being disciplined for a behavior that's ok in our house.

I would never be ok with someone spanking or otherwise hitting her.

If I were at a party or the park and I didn't see LO do something, I would be fine with another adult stepping in, but would also hope they would defer to me, you know? Like, instead of yelling at her, they would say, "We need to go talk to your mom about this," and then I could deal with it. That would be my preference.

I'm glad you typed this out because it saves me doing it

Ditto

gymnst1013

I think it was cvl that posted a link to an article about the differences between French and American children - the French children aren't disciplined, they are educated I think they said.  I like this approach/way of thinking and hope that I can remember it when N starts causing trouble

casirdms

If I'm not around and they are in charge then yes they can discipline. 

But it irks me to no end for someone to tell me child (my 7 yr old DD) not to do something when I am RIGHT THERE. [like friends and their husbands, please.] 

My mom used to be the worst for trying to take control of the situation until she realized that it p!ssed me off 

Birdies08

gymnst1013:

I think it was cvl that posted a link to an article about the differences between French and American children - the French children aren't disciplined, they are educated I think they said.  I like this approach/way of thinking and hope that I can remember it when N starts causing trouble

Have you looked at any Positive Discipline books? I really like them- I feel the approach is more about teaching your child how to problem solve, think critically, behave appropriately, etc, rather than just about punishing "bad" behavior. 

gymnst1013

Birdies08:

gymnst1013:

I think it was cvl that posted a link to an article about the differences between French and American children - the French children aren't disciplined, they are educated I think they said.  I like this approach/way of thinking and hope that I can remember it when N starts causing trouble

Have you looked at any Positive Discipline books? I really like them- I feel the approach is more about teaching your child how to problem solve, think critically, behave appropriately, etc, rather than just about punishing "bad" behavior. 

I haven't but I will definitely look into them.  A good friend of mine is a social worker and recommended 1-2-3 Magic as an amazing book on dealing with kids from 2 through 12.  I'm wondering if this is one of those.

Birdies08

gymnst1013:

Birdies08:

gymnst1013:

I think it was cvl that posted a link to an article about the differences between French and American children - the French children aren't disciplined, they are educated I think they said.  I like this approach/way of thinking and hope that I can remember it when N starts causing trouble

Have you looked at any Positive Discipline books? I really like them- I feel the approach is more about teaching your child how to problem solve, think critically, behave appropriately, etc, rather than just about punishing "bad" behavior. 

I haven't but I will definitely look into them.  A good friend of mine is a social worker and recommended 1-2-3 Magic as an amazing book on dealing with kids from 2 through 12.  I'm wondering if this is one of those.

I've heard good things about that one, too. It may fit under positive discipline, but there are a few books by the same authors that have Positive Discipline in the title.

I should check out 1-2-3 Magic, though, thanks for the reminder  

supermom83

I'm a big believer in the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" so yes I think other people should discipline my boys if they see them doing something dangerous or rude or inappropriate. I will obviously be the first to tell them not to do it but I also think it's important for other adults around them to also convey the same message and reinforce the same rules I would. Nobody is allowed to hit my children, not even me or my DH, so spanking is totally unacceptable.

Kids are not born with the knowledge of what's right or wrong, so they're going to make mistakes, and when they're school-aged I'm not always going to be right next to them to correct them if they see them doing something dangerous of blatantly wrong or inappropriate. Teachers play a big role in reinforcing positive behavior and discouraging negative ones. I hold teachers in a very high regard (of course there are always exceptions to the rule but generally speaking I mean).

Also when it comes to other moms on the playgroud, I say why not chime in with me when I tell my kid to not throw mulch or not throw sand in the sanbox. we're all saying the same thing anyway and it only reinforces that that behavior would not be tolerated by anybody and not just "mom". KWIM? But I know I'm much more lax about this than other people.

sunset+skies

We're in kind of a special situation because we have a roommate with an 18 month old son. Because of work schedules, DH and I actually see him more than she does right now. It would be ludicrous, and our household would be chaos if DH and I were not allowed to discipline her child. Even when she's home, if she's in the living room, I'm in the kitchen, and he comes and touches the dishwasher (a BIG no-no for him), I do the discipline, I don't go running to her.

I grew up in an "it takes a village" kind of family, and community. If you were at someone's house, and were bad while mom was in the bathroom, the host was willing, and able to provide discipline. Quite honestly, I never understood the "Just wait until your mother/father gets home" tactic. Especially with younger kids, they're not going to remember what it is they did wrong by the time the discipline happens.

 

LaceFace14

As long as there's no spanking, yelling or name calling, if I'm not around, I'm okay with other adults correcting my child's behavior. 

MommaG123

birdies08:

If LO were doing something unequivocally not ok, like something dangerous, of course I would expect another adult to step in. 

I guess my feelings depend on many variables. If the person doing the discipline were a sitter I left LO with, definitely I would expect them to discipline her. I also would talk with the sitter before hand about our approach to discipline and also let the sitter clearly know our expectations of LO, so we knew LO wasn't being disciplined for a behavior that's ok in our house.

If I were at a party or the park and I didn't see LO do something, I would be fine with another adult stepping in, but would also hope they would defer to me, you know? Like, instead of yelling at her, they would say, "We need to go talk to your mom about this," and then I could deal with it. That would be my preference.

 

Pretty much nail on the head what I would have said, taking out the not spanking part.  I would be fine with my parents or ILs swatting the butt, probably not any of my other extended family though or babysitters.

supermom83:

I'm a big believer in the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" so yes I think other people should discipline my boys if they see them doing something dangerous or rude or inappropriate. I will obviously be the first to tell them not to do it but I also think it's important for other adults around them to also convey the same message and reinforce the same rules I would.

Also when it comes to other moms on the playgroud, I say why not chime in with me when I tell my kid to not throw mulch or not throw sand in the sanbox. we're all saying the same thing anyway and it only reinforces that that behavior would not be tolerated by anybody and not just "mom". KWIM? But I know I'm much more lax about this than other people.

I agree with all this as well.  I honestly think that all adults are responsible for all children in a way.  If a child is doing something completely inappropriate I think it would be wrong for an adult to stand by and do nothing.  However, even for little things I agree with supermom that it just reinforces right and wrong behavior to a child for multiple adults to educate them when something is wrong.

klv

Mare0527:

birdies08:

If LO were doing something unequivocally not ok, like something dangerous, of course I would expect another adult to step in. 

I guess my feelings depend on many variables. If the person doing the discipline were a sitter I left LO with, definitely I would expect them to discipline her. I also would talk with the sitter before hand about our approach to discipline and also let the sitter clearly know our expectations of LO, so we knew LO wasn't being disciplined for a behavior that's ok in our house.

If I were at a party or the park and I didn't see LO do something, I would be fine with another adult stepping in, but would also hope they would defer to me, you know? Like, instead of yelling at her, they would say, "We need to go talk to your mom about this," and then I could deal with it. That would be my preference.

 

Pretty much nail on the head what I would have said, taking out the not spanking part.  I would be fine with my parents or ILs swatting the butt, probably not any of my other extended family though or babysitters.

supermom83:

I'm a big believer in the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" so yes I think other people should discipline my boys if they see them doing something dangerous or rude or inappropriate. I will obviously be the first to tell them not to do it but I also think it's important for other adults around them to also convey the same message and reinforce the same rules I would.

Also when it comes to other moms on the playgroud, I say why not chime in with me when I tell my kid to not throw mulch or not throw sand in the sanbox. we're all saying the same thing anyway and it only reinforces that that behavior would not be tolerated by anybody and not just "mom". KWIM? But I know I'm much more lax about this than other people.

I agree with all this as well.  I honestly think that all adults are responsible for all children in a way.  If a child is doing something completely inappropriate I think it would be wrong for an adult to stand by and do nothing.  However, even for little things I agree with supermom that it just reinforces right and wrong behavior to a child for multiple adults to educate them when something is wrong.

I agree with this as well 

MrsPBNJ0220

I personally have enough family nearby so I do not see someone random watching DS. With that said my family is aware we are very much against spanking. My sister does spank and does things that I thing are not okay, example she was watching a family members son and he got mad and kept slamming the door so she just held the door shut and he was very upset. I am not okay with her acting like a child herself to DS. So, I will give her the okay to do certain things and not to do other things.

My mom also watches him, not often, but often enough we will have to deal with the opposite. I know the way we raise DS will be different than my sister raises her kids so this may not be a problem. My niece and nephew can be royal brats, mostly my niece and they are so disrespectful at my moms house. They do not ask for stuff, get mad, make a mess and do not clean it and she does nothing to discipline. Granted I also dislike that she speaks to them in such a belittleing(sp) way and I am a firm believer that children deserve the same respect all adults do and I almost feel like she gets what she deserves talking to them in such a way that it could make anyone feel like they have no rights.

Needless to say I will have no problem sharing my thoughts on discipline. I feel it is very important for the discipline to be close to the same at anyones house in order for DS to learn. 

MommaA117

I am not for anyone but myself and DH disciplining DD. Telling her no is different...I'm cool with that.