Update

meg_koole

So, I am first hand evidence on why it is positive that most agencies try to hold BMs from picking families too early.  We have known about this baby since she was 5 weeks along.  I know that is not her fault, nor ours, but I wish it hadn't happened that way because it has been a long 3 months next week and I really have no idea how we are emotionally going to make it through the next 4-5 months. 

Update - Everything is going good except the normal emotional doubts/issues that our BM is experiencing and because she just got her medical card figured out we haven't gotten her counseling yet - so I have been her "person".  I love her (if you remember - she is my DH's step-sis and I have known her as long as he has), but I can't carry her and me through this journey emotionally.  We are going down to spend some time with her and the rest of our family next week and meeting with our lawyer who is going to set up some counseling for her, so I think it will start to get better.  I just need to learn how to deal and I am not there yet.  

She hasn't changed her mind or anything, she just has been talking a lot more to me about how hard it is going to be - which is realistic and I think positive that she is being realistic - I just have to support her while I am freaking out inside and I can't put ANY of that back to her and I just feel like I am going crazy!!!!!

I am going to try to focus on the positive.  She scheduled her anatomy scan for next Thursday at 1pm (just about 1 week left to wait) so that we can go with.  We found out a couple weeks ago that it is a Boy but we are looking forward to confirming that and getting to see him in person.  I guess I just found a positive about knowing early - we get to go through all of the pregnancy steps with her. 

How did all of you get through your waits?

silliestbunny

Ugh.... it's not easy.    With DD2, our wait was close to six months.  The upside for us is that we were with DD1 and our hearts were full so we didn't have that desperate feeling we had while waiting for a match (before DD1). 

It's also hard to be the go-to person. I became that with DD2's bm.  While other resources were available, she grew to trust me and she knew I'd help her get things done when she was in a stuck place.  I tried to keep my focus on helping her because I liked her not because of the child she was caring.  I focused on my relationship with independent of the baby.  It seemed to help me make sense of why I was doing what I was doing.  Otherwise it felt like a debt I needed to pay in exchange for her caring my child... and that didn't feel good at all.

I will share that we'd been matched with three (well, four by I don't count the fourth) other birth moms prior to DD1.  With all three of them, we had NO relationship.  We tried... but one was closed, and the other two kept putting off our calls. 

On one hand, it was easier not getting involved but knowing what I know now, I think that it's so much better to be there for the birth mom.  In the end, the support and help you've provided her will make the seperation a bit easier.  You will know her and her pain... rather than her being a stranger.  We have never met DD1's birth mom (we have a relationship with DD1s BM's parents... but not her).  I yearn to be able to hug her, cry with her, tell her thank you.  The closure isn't there for me. 

 Okay, I've rambled enough.  What I really want to say is that you aren't alone.  Many of us have walked similar journeys and it's okay to be tired and frustrated, scared.... even when you have no rational reason to doubt.  Hang in theere.

missred75

I don't have any words of advice, since we're still early in the process. But, I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I hope that counseling will help her deal with the emotions of all of this. Sending you tons of strength to get through the next several months! ::hugs::

inlovewithB

I can't even imagine how difficult this journey is on all of you! With DD her BM did not want to meet us or even talk to us. We only waited two months and it was so hard to NOT know what her BM was going through during that "short" wait. At the time it felt like every single day I was waiting for everything to fall apart and I was an emotional mess.

I still wish we had a relationship with her. I want to LOVE the young woman who gave life to our daughter, I want to hug her, cry with her, and tell her how much we treasure DD. I feel such a strong connection to this woman who doesn't want anything to do with me, and it source of sorrow engrained in the Joy we feel being DD's parents.

I don't think it takes away from how thrilled we are to be parenting such an amazing little girl, it is just this weird empty place that I wish was filled with this woman who made it ALL possible.

Don't know if I am expressing this well, but I think what you are going through is all kinds of difficult and I hope you can see the silver lining in your relationship with your son's BM. 

meg_koole

Thanks Girls - All that information is helpful.  I do try to give her the best advice I can putting aside that the baby she is carrying is all we have dreamed of.  I think that is easier because I don't want her to feel like she owes us the baby - I want her to feel comfortable making that hand off in the end.  But it is a fine line and it is hard to walk. 

It is comforting knowing that others have gone through it and made it.  It is also comforting knowing that it has been the opposite for some of you and it was just as stressful (as if this situation could ever be stress free!).

I think it will be better next week when we get to spend some time with her and meet with the lawyer and all that fun stuff...

Ugh, I just want to wake up and have July be there, finish the room, buy a car seat and take that baby home!