Complicated questions (long, sorry)
FutureMrsWittig
member
My SD has asked me a lot of questions that have thrown me for a loop (where do babies come from, what does "sex" mean... etc...). But last night she asked me the question I've been dreading more than anything. She wanted to know why her parents broke up. She asked what they fought about and why her mom took her (did her dad not want her?) and then she didn't see her mom for a long time (30 days) and then she started going back and forth. She said some kids at school have been talking to her about how hard her life must be because her parents aren't married and she has to live in two places, etc...
I asked her why she didn't ask DH or BM about it, and she said she was afraid of hurting their feelings by making them talk about their break up. She's 9, so I don't think she understands much about breaking up, other than it's sad. I told her that made sense and I would tell her what I knew, but that it was before my time, so if she had more questions she'd have to take it to them.
I told her that her mom and dad lived together and realized that even though they both loved her, they didn't love each other the way married people do and there were things they couldn't agree about, like where they wanted to live and money and other complicated grown-up things. So when they decided not to be together any more she went with BM until they could get an appointment with the judge to decide where SD should live. (She knows that when we can't agree on something with BM we go to the judge and he helps us decide what to do. We explained this to her when she had to go to court with us last). I told her that the judge decided she should stay with her dad until he and BM could sit down and agree on good times for her to stay in each place. And once they did she started going back and forth.
(This was an incredibly simplified version of what happened. In reality BM moved out and took SD after DH flipped out when BM hit SD over the head with a rolled up magazine for being bad. So DH filed for an emergency OP and was granted 30 days until BM completed a mandated anger management program. When BM tried to leave initially the police were called, and it was a mess. Thankfully, I think SDs memories of that time are starting to fade.)
I asked her if she thinks her life is hard, and she said no, she likes things the way they are now. She said she thinks it must be hard for us (her parents) and wanted to know if it is. I told her sometimes it's hard when it's not our turn to have her for her birthday or for Christmas, but that we know it's hard for her mom to have to share those times too, so we all just try to make it easy as we can and share time, even when we don't always want to.
I understand why my SD comes to me with these questions. I'm just so apprehensive about the answers I give her. I want to be impartial, I don't want to take sides, but when it comes down to it I think her mom is a sorry parent and I'm always worried that will come through. I did send her mom an e-mail to let her know what SD asked me and what I told her, and I talked to DH about it. I think I'm also going to e-mail the teacher and ask her to keep an ear to the ground about what these kids are saying to my SD.
What do you do when your skids ask you hard questions? Do you just direct them back to their parents? Am I wrong for "sugar-coating" things? My ILs seem to think I should tell SD why the police had to be involved and why her mom couldn't see her for a month...etc... But I think the past should be the past and she doesn't need to know. Sigh.
Re: Complicated questions (long, sorry)
The fact the child feels comfortable coming to you, at least in my mind, means you are doing something right. Sugar coated or not, she's 9 and I think you did a fabulous job of sounding impartial and keeping the adult things between the adults.
Your ILS are wrong, the child doesn't need to be made to fear the BM, and if she doesn't remember why stir that emotion up in a 9 year old. As long as your DH is comfortable with you answering these questions and you don't mind, I think you are doing a great job.
Your answers to her were thoughtful and kind. I think you handled it really well.
DS is only 7, so we haven't had very many tough conversations. I've approached him a few times and asked if he wants to talk about why he has a daddy here and one in CA. He says no.
It might seem weird, but whenever we do have to tackle one of the hard conversations, we do it one-on-one. DH and I will talk about how we want to handle it, then one of us will sit down with him.
That was a great answer for a 9 year old. It is great that she doesn't feel her life is hard. That speaks volumes to how well you guys are now managing your BF.
Your ILs are wrong. SD will find out BM is a sorry parent all by herself by her relationship with her. No point in pushing those things on a 9 year old.
Great convo! Congrats on giving her some answers and making your relationship stronger!!!
All of this, especially the part where SD feeling comfortable talking with you is an indication you are doing/saying the right things. I really relate to how you feel. I always worry that my disapproval shows when we have conversations about BM. It sounds like you did a great job keeping it impartial.
I think you did an excellent job! My 7 year old SS asked DH some similar questions on Friday night (which I think he answered very well), and I was relieved it wasn't me. I'm not sure I would have succeeded at being quite as impartial as you were.
Unfortunately, in our case, SS *does* think it's hard and hates having to go back and forth. I worry because I'm not sure whether he came up with these thoughts on his own or if BM is coaching him. He actually asked why DH left BM though . . . which isn't the case at all. DH had to gently explain that BM did the leaving as well as be really clear that there never going to be a DH/BM combination again.
Poor kid. He tells me he loves me, tells his dad he loves me, and i know he does. Like all kids he just wishes it was "one big happy" . . . and he doesn't quite get why that can't include DH, BM, *and* me...
I do find it interesting that SF never enters into that combination...
I'm pretty sure if you had asked my SD a few years ago if her life was hard she would have told you yes. At that time she spent every Sat and Sun night with BM, Monday night with DH, Tues or Wed night with BM depending on her schedule. It was so confusing. We have her in counseling and it helps a lot. I hope things get better for your SS. ((hugs))
I think you did the right thing. You gave great answers and her parents should be grateful for it.
Your ILs are WRONG. Why would you tell a child that sort of thing? No good can come of it. The child would end up hurt, confused and possibly scared...nothing good about that.
It's hard not to bad mouth a parent sometimes but in the end it's so much better for the child when they don't hear anything negative about either parent.
I think you handled the situation well. I too have been faced with similar questions but SS added "my mom said dad kicked me and her out and we had no where to live bc dad moved in with you." yikes! That was so far from the truth I had to clear that one up a bit but it does make me a bit sad to know that's how BM is handling talking to SS.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013