Visitation Before Paternity Establishment
FyreFlyeRush
member
I have maintained since the beginning of my pregnancy that I want the father involved. But, now he's asking for DNA testing and has said he doesn't want to get emotionally attached to a child that isn't his. (Read, I have to have SOME control over this situation!) So, I'm not sure how to proceed. Should I even tell him the baby has been born? Should I allow him to come to the hospital if that's what he wants? Do I bring up visitation, or do I not even mention or offer it...let him be the one to broach the subject?
If he does, because of our OTHER issue, where he's threatened to take him from me regardless of who has custody, should I not even allow him to see him at ALL? Part of me thinks that's wrong. That I want to appear as open as possible. But, I'm still panicky over the whole thing. I know that I will NOT let him have Alien without me being there in the same room with them at a location of MY choosing. Am I making Alien to inaccessible by making those requirements? Are my requirements justifiable given kidnapping threat, empty or otherwise? Or, if he's interested, should he make the concessions, not me?
We aren't married, and I won't allow him to sign the AoP regardless of DNA testing. Texas also requires DNA testing to go through them, so it'll be 15-18 mos before we even get seen at court to establish paternity. I'll have SOLE physical and legal custody from BIRTH. It's not a legality issue. It's a morality one, and I'm lost how to handle it.
Re: Visitation Before Paternity Establishment
i know how you feel. i went through the same thing. He knew the baby was his, but still said he wanted it on paper "just to be sure". He had a history of taking his other kids from their mother and filing for emergency custody under the ruse of "the kids claimed there was abuse" & he had primary custody of them for almost a year while the court issues were sorted out. While pregnant we argued over & over about custody/visitation and how he didn't agree that the baby should solely live at my house. So based on all this, I was afraid and didn't want him to sign the AoP at the hospital.
So let's talk the morality of it all, even though I knew he was acting like a total dovchelord & essentially by asking for a paternity test was denying my child. I still sent him an email the day she was born to let him know that she was here safely and what her stats were. He came to visit in the hospital but then after an argument he filed custody papers when she was 3 days old and chose not to see her for almost 4 months. We still hadn't had paternity established or any kind of court order, but because I did want him involved in her life, I offered for him to see her either at my home or at his home (with me there) even though we didn't have an order & he technically had no rights. But be warned, this nice arrangement didn't last long. Once he got his paternity results, he would make demands to see her on short notice, he would get pissed when i told him I wasn't going to drop her off and leave, that I had to be there for all visits until we had an order. So he's chosen again, not to see her until the court comes up with an arrangement (which means mediation is probably futile)
I say all this to say, there's no harm in letting him know you've had the baby and offering for him to see "alien" on YOUR terms, if that's in what you feel in your heart, you'd like to do. If he doesn't like it, let him file for visitation.
hope that helps
If he wants paternity testing, then let him file and pay for it. That's what my son's father did in order to establish a court order visitation. Until that's done and if you want him to see his son, like you said, make sure you're with them at all times.
I personally wouldn't feel comfortable allowing him to see the baby if he's threatened you. Based on how you've described him, I wouldn't even tell him the baby is born or invite him to the hospital. You're the mom, you are in control of the situation and call all the shots until a court order is established and he's given visitation. If he doesn't like that, then tough. He should have never threatened kidnapping.
By the way, is your son's name Alien? Like UFO Alien? Sorry it may be a stupid question, but I've never heard of that before, unless it's an alias for his real name.
I would communicate openly with him, and allow him to come see LO at your house on your terms, but definitely don't let him take LO or inconvenience yourself to make sure he gets to see LO. If he wants to file for paternity and visitation, let him!
Ladies,
Thank you for the input. My family is extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing, and my BFF's partner is really good friends with the father. I don't like dragging them into the middle of it, even if HE does. Since he won't be on the birth certificate, he can't file for emergency custody. I hadn't even thought of him trying that. I'll probably email him, and not allow him to come to the hospital. My OB mentioned to me they won't let anyone not on a list if I choose. The rest, just have to play it by ear.
And, no, his name isn't Alien, lol. I've just been calling him that since about 11w. Didn't want to refer to him as IT. After we learned the sex, we couldn't figure out a name. Alien stuck. He'll most likely be named Damian once he's born.
I call them my Troll and my Alien. DDs hair was 3" long and stuck straight up off her head like a troll doll until she was nine mos old. Alien's 3rd Ultra sound was at a funny angle, and he looked like the quinessetial alien.