As I lay here icing my bbs...

ChevTrucksr4Grls

I am finding that the time in which I am having my severe panic attacks- is at bed time (thank you medications or I wouldn't sleep)... I can't stop thinking of him at night... Every bit of me misses his nighttime movements.... I really wish I knew why this happened.... My husband and I are not bad people.. This is so devastating... I'm thankful that I've already made an appointment with the grief counselor... But there's just so many questions in the air at this horrible time...

pb127

Sending (((HUGS))) and thinking of you.

pottermommy

I think the night time is worse because there is endless quiet to sit and think and relive the moments.  I was put on ambien after Kam's death or else I would lay and rethink about them calling her TOD and the CPR and I would think about it for hours then when I finally sobbed myself to sleep I would have nightmares about her.

The ambien put me to sleep quickly so I didn't have time to think.  I have been on it since until finding out we were PgAL.  When I quit taking it, I still did the same thing.  It isn't as bad anymore, now that I am used to being off of it, but I still find myself thinking about her when everything is quiet and I have nothing else running through my mind. 

It is normal to think about your baby, it isn't fair that our thoughts have to be stained with sorrow and grief.  Do not be hard on yourself for your feelings, you are just starting on this journey and your feelings are valid and impossible to overlook..At any time of day. 

Big Huge Hugs, none of us are bad people or desearve this at all, there are no reasons that are strong enough to make any sence at all.  Take solice in knowing that while you had your LO you were the most amazing mama, you loved that baby like no one ever will and you still do.  Being a loss mommy means loving your child more than your life or his life and knowing that your love is so strong that it reaches all the way from your heart and sould into the very heavens that hold your baby.

weddedwife

The nighttime is the worst. I think it was weeks before I could lie in bed at night without sobbing uncontrollably. It still happens some nights, but at least it's not every night any more. I do find that I'm more depressed in general at night. If I can go to bed before I allow myself to get super tired it's easier on me.

Big hugs. Please know that you're not alone. I try to think about that when I'm lying in bed feeling like the world has ended.

lrichmond86

My worst times were at bed time, too.  Meds do help with the sleep, but unfortunately they don't make the pain stop.  So sorry you're dealing with this!

magdalina.h

Nighttime was the worst for me.

There is no reason for why this happened. None of us did anything to lose our children. There could be medical reasons, but you didn't do anything.

olp79

I feel the same way and keep asking myself why this happened to us if we would have been great parents :-(. Night times are bad and in my case, driving back home from work. Yesterday, I broke down on my way to home after finding out my friend just got BFP. I cannot stop thinking about my babies, and miss their kicks at night :-(

Heatherhah

I am so sorry I was bad at night too. I hated falling asleep it made me so sad.  Hugs to you!!

nuttycoconut

I also felt the same way. I couldn't go to bed with out my DH because I had severe anxiety. I replayed every moment of that horrible day I lost the babies and he would have to hold me while I sobbed myself to sleep and asked why???? Mornings were bad for me too. I had trouble getting out of bed but when I was in bed I kept thinking about everything. Ugh I'm so sorry you are going through this. It should get easier in a few weeks, and I know that feels like an eternity right now.

krysiahamaty

Big hugs. Night time was worst for DH because he was strong for me all day so he didn't sleep at night. I slept but woke up every morning in tears. Nights and days are better now but they vary. Some days I'm devastated and others I do ok. Huge hugs.

ChevTrucksr4Grls

I thank all of you girls for your comments last night... I took my xanax and still had a hard time catching any rest for awhile... so i was up reading all of these posts.. you women are lovely thank you so much for the support

MandynStephen

Sending you prayers and hugs.  It is so hard and you are not alone. 

cherrycobbler

Just know that you are a fantastic mom.  You didn't do anything to deserve this grief.  I am happy that you have an appointment with a counselor and I hope they are able to help you find some peace.  I (unfortunately?) had the opposite reaction.  I slept constantly, just shut down and tried to sleep myself away from it, I guess.  I've had problems with depression in the past and I slept constantly then too.  You will always miss his movements, but hopefully one day you will be able to lay there and smile when you remember his tiny kicks.  Just know that he loved you as much as you love him and he would want you to take care of yourself, as do I.  Much love and hugs to you.

Mjmksb04

Nighttime is always the hardest time for me too, because I am laying there collecting all of the sad thoughts that I have been ignoring throughout the day.

figgs0831

olp79:

I feel the same way and keep asking myself why this happened to us if we would have been great parents :-(. Night times are bad and in my case, driving back home from work. Yesterday, I broke down on my way to home after finding out my friend just got BFP. I cannot stop thinking about my babies, and miss their kicks at night :-(

This exactly. (((hugs)))