Facebook... WHAT??

thiswillbe

Ok, so I finally signed up for Facebook. Sent my wife a friend request and she said she's not going to add me as a friend. That just seems SO wrong to me. So, a poll:

[poll]

melissajo2011

I have several friends who won't "friend" a boy/girlfriend until it is serious, but I can't imagine not being friends with DW. We use FB to communicate sometimes (we chat a lot when I'm at work). The only people I know who I don't friend - my boss and my step-mother.

tdmklm

Hmmm... I can't wait to hear the explanation...

nevr2amazin

Not to sway anyone's vote because it isn't about our (mine and C's) issues, but what you would do. However, I do feel I need to say something. C knows the passwords to all my accounts and has open-access to almost every form of communication I have...except Facebook. I feel it is something that is just mine. It is a place that I can exhale, whether it be after a great time out or a tiff; I am free to express myself. Also, (and I know there is at least one witness out there) I never publicly berate my spouse. If I mention anything negative about how I am feeling I write as though I could have gotten upset with Jane/John Q. Public. However, if C were to read it she would know it was about her (since she was the one I had the spat with). I wouldn't want to open myself up to yet another argument.

thiswillbe

I fail to see how/why someone's EX-wife (among many other friends) should be privy to information that one's CURRENT wife is not privy to. I say, if you really have nothing to hide, don't hide.

2brides

We are friends on FB, but L almost never is on there. I keep her updated on all of the posts from her siblings, our friends, etc.

But I don't believe in airing dirty family laundry on FB.

butterflygrooves

We are friends now but weren't for awhile when I started using FB. 

J isn't a very trusting person (thanks J's ex, I pay for what you did!) and I didn't want to have to explain who everyone was and what their comments meant, I was already tired of explaining everything else.  J's friend request sat there for a long time before I finally accepted it and all that came along with it. 

I got a lot of flack for having guy friends (hello, I'm lesbian, did you forget that wifey?) that I had known for 8+ years on my FB, she constantly asked about their comments and acted like I had had sex with each one at some point in the past, she couldn't accept that these guys were just friends.  Every time I added a new friend she would ask who it was and how I knew them and why I added them.  I eventually removed her as a friend which only added to her insecurities so I added her back and pretty much told her to deal with it or not be my FB friend.

I still hear about adding you ladies but all I tell her is "She's from TB" and she leaves it at that.  We both pretty much mind our own business in regards to our FB pages now, I trust her and she can check up on me all she wants, I'm not doing anything wrong.

2brides

thiswillbe:

I fail to see how/why someone's EX-wife (among many other friends) should be privy to information that one's CURRENT wife is not privy to. I say, if you really have nothing to hide, don't hide.

This would piss me off. We are both friends with exes (heck, I talk with her ex more than she does) so I have no issue with friending exes, but excluding me would be a red flag (warranted or not) and I am a VERY trusting/non-suspicious spouse.

nevr2amazin

2brides:

thiswillbe:

I fail to see how/why someone's EX-wife (among many other friends) should be privy to information that one's CURRENT wife is not privy to. I say, if you really have nothing to hide, don't hide.

This would piss me off. We are both friends with exes (heck, I talk with her ex more than she does) so I have no issue with friending exes, but excluding me would be a red flag (warranted or not) and I am a VERY trusting/non-suspicious spouse.

My ex will only do a "like", she knows how C feels about her and does not want to cause any harm...she would hate for something to be misinterpreted (e.g. replying to a post directed at my bio-family). (My ex doesn't know that C is not my friend.) I have told C that and ask that she trusts that. If she doesn't then there are bigger issues than me not friending her. Toning down my frustration in posts limits my freedom to express myself...I never make my frustration appear to be directed at C. (C would definitely see it differently.)

2brides

I would have less issue with the ex commenting on stuff on my spouse's post or bio family (what is the difference between 'liking' something and saying, "congratulations!"  or "you all look great!"?) than being excluded from being excluded all together.

But that is just me.

rikkiandjulie

nevr2amazin:

Not to sway anyone's vote because it isn't about our (mine and C's) issues, but what you would do. However, I do feel I need to say something. C knows the passwords to all my accounts and has open-access to almost every form of communication I have...except Facebook. I feel it is something that is just mine. It is a place that I can exhale, whether it be after a great time out or a tiff; I am free to express myself. Also, (and I know there is at least one witness out there) I never publicly berate my spouse. If I mention anything negative about how I am feeling I write as though I could have gotten upset with Jane/John Q. Public. However, if C were to read it she would know it was about her (since she was the one I had the spat with). I wouldn't want to open myself up to yet another argument.

Couldn't you post those aggregations as private, just to get them off your chest but so that noone actually read them. . Z 

lnelson20

Kel and I are FB friends, and frankly it would hurt my feelings if she defriended me. I guess I can see wanting a separate space. I certainly sometimes want validation or at least a 3rd party opinion on an issue we are having--I tend to call a friend or go grab lunch/drinks.

I think there is a middle ground, though. You could be FB friends, but to use the filter settings to make certain posts private as to each other.

Jazibel

We're friends on FB. EV is more active than I am (though I'm trying to make more of an effort).  We both have friends from past. Maybe exes... though I think her ex GF and ex Crush are rarely on there. I had one ex (male) who friended and then a few weeks later de-friended me (just long enough for me to sigh relieved that I meet EV in college - because blech that could have been my future - shiver...)

Anyway we are completely open about on-line and other mediums. I pay all the bills so I even get to be EV sometimes on the phone (hope thats not too illegal). :P

I would have big problem with her having a "secret life" but that said I don't ever check her email, or read all her posts or even ask about her various FB friends unless its relevant.

She's never been on TB though - I think she's grateful I have an outlet for all this pregnancy/TTC related stuff so she only has to hear a fraction of "what I'm craving" and "what my next nursery purchase will be". ;-) She probably thinks thats all I talk about... lol

tdmklm

2brides:

thiswillbe:

I fail to see how/why someone's EX-wife (among many other friends) should be privy to information that one's CURRENT wife is not privy to. I say, if you really have nothing to hide, don't hide.

This would piss me off. We are both friends with exes (heck, I talk with her ex more than she does) so I have no issue with friending exes, but excluding me would be a red flag (warranted or not) and I am a VERY trusting/non-suspicious spouse.

 

Yeah, I can see myself having a hissy fit over this... And I'm not the hissy fit type.

cookiemonster03

Well, in theory, you could be friends and add DW to a group that you restrict certain posts from.

 

But in general I think it is weird. I kind of love FB more than I should because I am a stalker  but I use it for that and photos (and occasionally messaging old/distant friends) and don't really talk about my daily life on it at all.

We're both FB friends with ex's and I don't think either of us really chat with them anyway. I'm on FB much more than DW too.

Two*True

I don't think it's wrong.  I can definitely understand where C is coming from.  I would feel like her. But rationally I totally get it.  I don't even know how you both post here sometimes.  I need MY space.  This silly little knot/nest/bump world is MY space.  DW has met many of you (and my locals) but it's still safe for me to post whatever I want here without having to have a conversation about it later.

I don't think S is only talking about venting.  Some people use FB as a random diary of thoughts and feelings.  And sometimes they just want to put that out in the universe without having to actually talk to anyone about that.  If C read a post where S says "I really hate driving a minivan and long for my sportscar days" - instead of just reading a vent about mom-mobile she *could* totally read into it that S missed her younger days when she was carefree and didn't have to worry about having enough seats in a car to fit twins.  And then that would lead to a conversation when all S was trying to say was "I prefer smaller vehicles because they fit in more parking spaces."

kwim?

hlke

We were friends on FB before we were dating.  C gets annoyed if I don't see one of her status updates within a few hours, and occasionally reminds me that I am FB friends with her parents and I need to just keep tabs on my statuses.  Hmmm...maybe I should go edit the security settings on my little abortion rant this morning.

I totally understand the need to have one's own online space.  It was the subject of one of my sister and my most epic fights circa 1996.  But Facebook feels a little different to me because it is such a public forum - everyone is on Facebook, and everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook.  Not friending your spouse cuts them out of a place where a lot of public discussion and connection with friends and family takes place.

And +1 for not venting on Facebook about family.  My sister vents a bit on FB, and I can tell who she's venting about in about 5 seconds without her ever talking to me about any given conflict. 

clairmeij

Tough one, we both have FB accounts, we're friends and we know each other's access info. We have been together for almost 4 years and agreed fairly early on that we would be open and transparent, but respect each other's privacy.

We have VERY different FB personas, I talk about everything, but nothing too personal, she rants about things that bug her. Its caused conflict in the past, but I'd rather her be open than not know what was being said.

I've been in relationships that weren't as open and I prefer it this way. Different strokes I suppose. 

TaylorandMel

Neither of us have FB.  No time and don't care for the drama.

Kershnic

Not being fb friends would never never fly in my relationship.  If I share on fb I am sharing with random people from high school and my parents and tons of random people I am not close with.  There is nothing I would say to that group that I would not say to my wife, and I think she would be right to be concerned if I said any different.

That said, we have had some past conflict over another online site that I was writing to a select audience that I had 'known' online for years.  To me, that was different because it was only a few people and not all the randoms on fb.   

JoySeattle

C and I are both on FB (I actually joined facebook to see/friend her profile). I actually have two FB profiles (against tos, but one is in my full married name and one my professional name for work). On my personal one, we're listed as married and linked to each other's profiles.

I use FB much more (daily) than she does (she says she does not like it, but will occasionally goes on to see/post things).

I personally think it would be odd to not be friends and be open on FB. In fact for April Fools a few years ago we "broke up" and it caused havoc in our circle of friends. I will say though, that C knows many of my passwords for various accounts, but not my FB one. I am also friends on FB with a few exs, and C thinks its weird when they "like" stuff I post. 

 

 

Fabi&Nita

I had a FB account a very long time ago (fabi) deleted it since I didn't really use it. The after a year or so of being with Nita, we now share her FB account. We have our FB face when one uses it more then the other.

 Not sure how I would feel if she didn't want to add me as a friend.

2brides

Two*True:

I need MY space.  This silly little knot/nest/bump world is MY space. 

kwim?

Yea, I get where you are coming from. Perhaps I reacted so strongly because I do have places on the internet (pretty much the whole WWW aside from FB!) that L doesn't access.I see FB as more open access (that I control.) But I am friends with my MIL, SIL/ BIL, neices, nephews, etc. So I also moderate to (some degree) my posts because of them.

I might feel more like S if I didn't have the rest of the web to call my own (guess I should be thankful to be married to someone who has no interest in having an online life.)

Two*True

2brides:

Two*True:

I need MY space.  This silly little knot/nest/bump world is MY space. 

kwim?

Yea, I get where you are coming from. Perhaps I reacted so strongly because I do have places on the internet (pretty much the whole WWW aside from FB!) that L doesn't access.I see FB as more open access (that I control.) But I am friends with my MIL, SIL/ BIL, neices, nephews, etc. So I also moderate to (some degree) my posts because of them.

I might feel more like S if I didn't have the rest of the web to call my own (guess I should be thankful to be married to someone who has no interest in having an online life.)

Yeah, and I get the sense that S doesn't have random high school friends and aquaintances on her FB page.  I thought she has said before that she joined only to keep up with her daughter and family and really limits who has access. So I didn't take it as "I want to tell old high school buddies I haven't talked to in 20 years sh!t I don't want to tell my wife." 

2moms2twins

we fb all the time ... oddly sitting on the couch next to each other and Im .. Its just how it goes.  We have access to each others accounts sometime she is on my computer and forgets to log out so I hijack her acct and post  funny things like i love you or i have the greatest wife and we laugh about it .  When we argue ( we rarely have time now with the girls sometimes it ends up on FB and i'll say something but vauge and she knows and she will reply but  nothing super serious...

We are friends with X's and her X still pines after here annoying but but i laugh and always post something  bout how she ( Melanie) is all min if her x pisses me off but now I dont bother but i like to stab her with a lil toothpick sometimes.. she always tell some how hot melanie is when i post pics and i just reply yeah I KNOW  o something to the likes....

most of our friends did not think M and I would be together for 10+ year and are shocked we have a family so that is interesting not sure what it means and we have lots of used to be friend who are jealous that we have a successful relationship - Oh well  we sometimes work hard at it and sometimes its a breeze... so we take what ppl say sometimes with grain of salt