** Loss Check-in 2/20/12**

Petunia844

First, I'm so sorry I missed last week!  I wish I had a better excuse but I just have so much on my mind now with this new pregnancy and trying to take it easy and not stress... if anyone wants to take over and keep it more consistent I won't be at all offended, just let me know!

For those who are new, this is just a check-in to see how we are all doing in various phases of our grief.  You're more than welcome to just jump in.

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?

3. Advice for "newcomers"?  

4. What things make you think of your lo?

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?

8. Questions you want asked next week?

Petunia844

1. Any updates to how you are feeling? I'm all over the place...I opted out of the baby shower this last weekend it was definitely the right choice for me.  I've been getting really easily overwhelmed and just taking it one day at a time.  Trying to take it easy on myself.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?  I almost cut all my hair off, I just wanted a change, I wanted to control something, but I didn't end up doing it.  Ultimately I didn't make a big change.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?  Just take it one day at a time, be gentle with yourself.  Don't judge your grieving or compare it to anyone else.  We're all different, we all heal differently.  Whatever you're feeling is perfectly normal for you.

4. What things make you think of your lo? Almost everything.  He pops into my head millions of times a day, he's my motivation for everything.  He's with me constantly.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?  All of them.  I've been excited, hopeful, heartbroken, terrified... you name it.  It all depends on the day.

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?  Some of them have been amazing.  Others have just sort of pushed it under the rug... backed of a little because I'm not the same as I used to be and they don't know what to say.  It's hard because more often than not I feel like I don't fit in with most of them... our lives are just so different now.  I feel like many of them just don't have any idea who I am now.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?  There have been a few that stand out: my sister wrote him a beautiful poem, my mom bought him a plaque at a botanical garden and DH and I got to pick out the writing, my mom bought us an angel tree topper for our Christmas tree.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?

Lately, angry.  Not sure why but angry.  And the littlest things seem to set me off.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?

There are so many things I want to do but fear if I change my appearance that Corbin won't recognize me.  I would love to change careers and do something where I could speak to people/groups about what I've been though but I honestly don't know what that "job" is.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?

Everything you're thinking or feeling is ok.  It's not wrong.  Don't care what others may think.  And speak up.  I've learned people can help more if you simply ask.  

4. What things make you think of your lo?

Pretty much everything but more specifically, the moon.  For some reason I see him as the moon.  Every time I'm outside at night, I have to try to find the moon.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages? not there yet but totally understand it's going to be a rough road regardless.

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?

I've found as time goes on that people unfortunately just aren't there for us like they were before or said they would be.  They don't call, they don't visit, they don't make plans.  Sometimes I feel it's DH and I against the world.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?

My mom got DH and I necklaces that have Corbin's actual hand and footprint on them along with his name and on the back his dates.  She gave them to us at dinner on Christmas Eve.  We never take them off.

Heatherhah

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?

I'm okay today not great but okay. I am trying to not stress as much since we are TTC and the stress from losing Sydney isn't helping me at all. So I am trying to swee the positive in thinsg which is hard when you feel like you are under a constant cloud of darkness.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do? I changed my hair color and style. I do that whenever something happens to me. It is kind of the thing I always do.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?   Losing a child is terrible and you will never be fixed or better. Don't let people tell you that you need to move on or be over it. Those words hurt so much.

4. What things make you think of your lo? Everything arpund me reminds me of her. But mainly my oldest DD since they looked so similar I look at her and my heart hurts because she never got to meet her baby sister and that is one thing I will regret the rest of my life.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages? I am not pregnant at this point

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this? Our friends were great at first but now they don't seem to even be aroudn at all. They have all kind of dissapeared! I guess we aren't much fun to be around now.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss? My family are always there for us in every single way. I tend to repeat myself all the time with how I can't believe she is gone and how it all happened and they all listen and just say they agree, they are all very supportive. Now DH family they are a whole different issue.

littlepenguin2012

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?  Today has been especially bad, but yesterday I went for a walk with DH and we had a pretty okay day.  Lots of ups and downs at this point.- sometimes even on the same day.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?  No significant changes.  I need to get a haircut but the stylist I've been going to for years was pregnant at the same time as me and I don't know if I can go back to her and be excited to talk about her baby.  Plus, she doesn't know and I don't really want to have that conversation at the salon.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?   Well, I guess I am still pretty new, so I am not sure I have any advice.

4. What things make you think of your lo? Lots of things.  I put his photo up on my nightstand so I see him every morning, along with the prayer card from the funeral.  Mostly, when I look at DH I am reminded of him a lot since he looked so much like his daddy- especially a few faces that DH makes.  

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?  We are just now considering starting to TTC in a few months.  Honestly the Pre-e and HELLP scares me so much that I think I will be a wreck no matter how long we wait.

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?  Some have been great, some have been MIA pretty much since this happened.  I am really, really grateful for some of my close friends who have been awesome about being in contact and listening.  I do feel out of place though sometimes since I  feel like we don't really fit in sometimes.  We don't really fit with our childless friends, because we have a child. But we don't really fit in with the people with kids either.  Plus, I feel like people don't really know what to say/how to act sometimes and that makes them uncomfortable around us.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?  We had some friends bring by food and check in right away.  I have one friend who has been great about sending cards, dropping food off, checking in and basically being all around awesome.

8. Questions you want asked next week?  Anyone else having issues with the cemetery? We go out to visit often and I always feel so bad about him being there "alone".  There is also a possibility we might have to move soon for DH's job and I am having serious anxiety about "leaving" him here.  

magdalina.h

1. Any updates to how you are feeling? Feeling much better than I was 2 weeks ago.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do? No, I wanted to, but I knew I wasn't in the right mind to do it.

3. Advice for "newcomers"? You will be able to breathe again

4. What things make you think of your lo?Everything

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages? -NA

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?- Most have been fantastic. The ones who haven't, I don't really talk to them anymore.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss? Say Aidan's name.

weddedwife

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?
This week has had its ups & downs.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?
Nope. Thought about cutting my hair but held back. Really wanted to relocate & just "start a new life" but knew that wasn't practical. As they say, you can't outrun misery.
3. Advice for "newcomers"?

It does get better slowly. I know how crazy that sounds right now. But you will eventually be able to breathe. 

4. What things make you think of your lo?

The super windy days we get here because it was like that the day he died. The rain because it was raining & grey the day I left the hospital. Any time I see a newborn baby boy.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?
n/a

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?
I have one friend who has been fantastic. She listens to me & she got me a little figurine of an angel holding a little boy. Some of my other friends check in on me from a "safe" distance. Honestly most people haven't been around. They offered their condolences when he died but are nowhere to be seen now.
7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?

A friend dropped off a growler full of beer about 2 weeks or so after he died. He just left it on the doorstep and didn't bother us. The angel figurine my friend gave me is very special to me. Honestly I have a lot of issues w/ friends/family who have never acknowledged our loss.

8. Questions you want asked next week?

Do you have any constructive ways that you deal w/ anger?

Statistics show that 1 in 4 parents who lose a baby seriously consider suicide. Did you or DH have any thoughts? How did you work past them?

Mjmksb04

Petunia844:

1. Any updates to how you are feeling? Feeling okay. I have really made a concerted effort lately to remembering the positive memories and not letting the way I lost either DD overtake their lives.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?  Not yet. I may make a hairstyle change this week, but just because I am ready.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?   I have said this before, but just put one foot in front of the other, take each day as it comes, let yourself feel whatever you feel and one day you will wake up and it will be 6 months, or a year out, and you will start to be able to feel a new sense of normal in your life.

4. What things make you think of your lo? When I see baby girl items.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages? N/A

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this? I have one friend who had two ectopics and my SIL had a miscarriage, and I know one couple who lost a twin during the 2nd tri, but I don't know anyone who has gone through anything similar as far as losing a baby.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?    Not sure.

8. Questions you want asked next week?

Bread09

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?

I've been having a much harder time since I've gone back to work--the last three weeks have been terrible.  For awhile there, I felt like I was in a good, peaceful place.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?

My job is changing as I am losing one of my favorite programs that I manage and being but in charge of bigger and better programs.  I've been so angry about that and have considered just up and leaving.  I know it's not rational.  I also would like to move somewhere and start over.

3. Advice for "newcomers"?  

I've a big proponent of therapy and support groups.  That being said, I haven't been to my groups this month because it's so emotionally hard.  I also took a bit of a break from this board.  I'm finding that I need these supports--even if they are hard.

4. What things make you think of your lo?

Somedays, everything. Specifically, seashells (for some reason, we incorportated a poem about seashells that we got at the hospital in to her service and that makes me think of her) and her brother hitting milestones.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?

n/a

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this?

I came to the realize over the past few days, that most have not been around.  I haven't seen any friends since the funeral and only two call or email.  I'm not sure if it's the loss or my depression (or a combo of both) that's pushing them away.

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?

Talked about her, asked questions, asked to see pictures.

8. Questions you want asked next week?

none that I can think of.

nuttycoconut

1. Any updates to how you are feeling?
I'm doing okay. Slowly feeling more normal around people. The laughs and smiles are coming more easily. Sometimes I worry DH is feeling worse than I am and that's hard for me because I don't know how to help him.

2. Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do? No

3. Advice for "newcomers"?   It's okay if there are days when you do nothing but survive. Other days you may want to keep busy to pass the time more quickly. I didn't like my local support group (this particular group was very negative and it brought me down) but some girls from the Tiny Miracle Foundation reached out to me and met me for coffee so it was helpful to talk to someone IRL. One day a few months out you'll start to feel like you will be ok.

4. What things make you think of your lo? My memorial necklace, my DH's lips (our son had his lips), the line I still have going down my tummy, their nursery, the SUV we bought for them, plans I make in March/April which would have been their due date, almost everything.

5. If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages? Not PG but still having lots of anxiety about TTC and getting pregnant and having the same thing happen again. It's helpful reading posts by the pgal girls because I know that's exactly how I'll be feeling and it helps to know I'm not alone.

6. How have your IRL friends been through all of this? My closest friends have been awesome. They are making an effort to make plans with me as much as possible. Most of them have kids so it's been tough to make plans but they've been trying! I've also been spending more time with a few childless friends and it's been good for me to have friends who talk about other things besides kids and being pg. 

7. What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss? The meal train when friends signed up to bring meals, buying the babies' stars, coming to visit and take me out, when mom, BFF, and my sister came to stay with me to help around the house and keep me busy, talking about Max and Molly and complimenting their names, complimenting my necklace.

8. Questions you want asked next week? Maybe a TTC check in!