Question

annhlotr

A lot of people are telling me that I shouldn't be getting married because the purpose of marriage is to create a family. Have any of you dealt with this? Do you have any suggestions on how to respond? I think we WILL be a family. There just won't be children. Other people insist that we will have a "miracle child, just wait and see". We won't. I firmly believe that we can have a good marriage and have a purpose in life without having children. It's not what I want. I hate it. I want children. I want them more than anything. But it isn't going to happen. 

Am I crazy for letting these people get to me? I'm to the point where I walk away before they even say hello. I just can't listen to it anymore. 

  

  

sillygirlio

I haven't dealt with that, but I have to say that's one of the crappiest things I've ever heard!  People are going to think what they think, there really isn't anything you can do about it.  What I think you CAN do is get married, be a family of two and be the best example of what a happy marriage is to all the kids (and adults) around you.  A lot of those people who are saying that will have miserable marriages and their kids will need good examples of happy relationships!

I'm serious.

For the people who are conviced there will be a miracle baby... maybe they think they're trying to make you feel better?  Could you try looking at them and saying something like, "I know you're trying to help, but when you say that it hurts me.  Please stop."

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  Crappy.

BeckyP005

Oh my I can't believe people are saying that. I'm so sorry you have to deal with those people. Marriage does not mean you have to have children to be happy. I have some friends that didn't want children because they are very active in traveling and have other interests and they are very happy! Didn't stop them from getting married. Good luck and please don't listen to those silly comments. Hang in there

annhlotr

Thanks to both of you I feel like I'm whining, but I'm really having trouble dealing with their comments. My life has enough stress as is- my fianc? is having minor surgery next week, and I'm working on scheduling surgery for myself. I was in a car wreck last summer, and five months of physical therapy didn't fix my knee or ankle. So I need to get through major knee surgery before the wedding, and then I'll need an ankle reconstruction a year after the knee surgery (while the initial recovery for the knee surgery is 3 months, it takes a year to really heal). I wish they would just shut up or get a clue. Unfortunately, a lot of them are people I can't avoid. Every time I have to listen to them, it just drives home that I'll never have the children that I want so much.

hollymichael

Yeah, I have people tell me all the time that we will have a miracle baby. We won't, but it doesn't really bother me that they say it. They don't understand IF and they are just trying to say something nice. So, I let it roll off of me.

I have never had anyone say that the purpose of marriage is to start a family! What? Anyone who said that to me would hear it from me. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I married my husband becuase I love him and want to spend my life with him. Having kids would have been a nice bonus, but certainly not the reason we married in the first place. Even though it is just the two of us (and our dog), I absolutely feel like a family.

sillygirlio

Woman, if you can't whine here where can you whine?!  

 

I don't think you're whining, I'm just teasing... you've been dealt a tough hand and you have to deal some how.  You're among the few people on earth who can kind of understand, so don't be afraid to say what you need to say.

baze2

hollymichael:

Yeah, I have people tell me all the time that we will have a miracle baby. We won't, but it doesn't really bother me that they say it. They don't understand IF and they are just trying to say something nice. So, I let it roll off of me.

I have never had anyone say that the purpose of marriage is to start a family! What? Anyone who said that to me would hear it from me. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I married my husband becuase I love him and want to spend my life with him. Having kids would have been a nice bonus, but certainly not the reason we married in the first place. Even though it is just the two of us (and our dog), I absolutely feel like a family.

this exactly..going through what I am right now with DH's illness drives this home even more. We will not have kids even though his infertilty will be cured in a year..We are our family..and frankly it is all we need!

Mitzi Bishi

This makes my blood boil. Marriage is not uniquely for having children... why do you think so many gays are fighting tooth and nail for the right? They won't get miracle children either, but that doesn't stop them. 

Tell those that take it upon themselves as being their business the facts.

First and foremost is if your loved one is injured or needs to go to a hospital family is often the only ones who are allowed to accompany them.

The tax benefits.

The emotional security of making a legal, official, binding agreement.  

I'd also let them know they won't be invited WHEN you get married. It's clearly your choice and a declaration of your union. Life is way too short to deal with idiots like that, so cut them out of your life and move on. Find your own happiness.

I've been married for nearly 6 years and clearly don't have kids. Believe you me, my life is absolutely awesome. Even if I don't have children it will be and I wouldn't change it for the world. All of my happiness up until now doesn't ride on the fact I don't have kids and haven't been successful with multiple IVFs, so why should it weigh on me forever?

There are days when it's not easy, but I try to relish in the fact I have time and money to travel, the ability to sleep in, and enjoy going on dates and doing fun things on a whim. 

Hang in there!