Need Advice - DD's BM & Rehab
For those who aren't familiar, DD's BM is my sister. My sister used meth her entire pregnancy and lost custody immediately in the hospital when DD tested positive. She had previously lost custody of her two oldest children for arrests related to drug use. She lost custody of her fourth child since she was in prison serving a 5 yr sentence for drugs at the time of birth. All children have gone to family members (guardianship with oldest two, adoption with DD, and custody with youngest).
About 1.5 years ago I was still keeping regular contact with my sister more out of love for DD so that the door is open for her if she wants a relationship with her BM. My sister said and did some incredibly hurtful things and I decided to cut ties. I've had no contact with her and I have not kept up with her whereabouts.
Got a call today from a drug rehab program. Apparently my sister is out of prison and in a rehab program. I was told she is doing well. They are starting family sessions (not sure what this means) in early March once a week for 12 weeks. My sister would really like me to attend according to the director.
This would require me to rush from work to the session and not see my children at all one day out of the week. It will also put an extra burden on my DH who is a SAHD, which in the past has always put extra stress on our marriage (although not in an unbearable way). I think my sister deserves a shot at rehab and I know a support network is necessary. I also would like to see her get her life together so that DD has a chance at having a positive relationship with her. It just seems like a huge commitment on my part to someone I'm, frankly, still very angry with.
Thoughts/advice? What would you do?
Re: Need Advice - DD's BM & Rehab
At this point I would get more info on what family sessions consist of, and find out if you really need to go to every.single.session.
I would be wary of going from no contact at all to a 3-month commitment given your history with your sister.
GL. I'll be thinking of you. It's a tough position to be in
Do you have to go all 12 weeks? I would call the director to see if you could attend less sessions. That way you won't be avoiding your sister all together, but less strain will be placed on your family.
Maybe the therapy sessions will give you the opportunity to voice your anger toward her past behavior. This might be good for you as well.
If it were me, I would say that to the director. While you want to help, if you are not in a place where you can help her bc you are still angry, maybe the director can help work through that. I imagine many family members of addicts share your feelings, and I can't say that I wouldn't feel the same way. I wonder if they expect you to not be angry? I understand that your sister needs support, but she has burned some bridges and that isn't all of a sudden forgotten bc she is in rehab. What a tough situation to be in.
PAL/PGAL Welcome
I don't know if it's expected that I attend all 12 weeks. From the way the director made it sound this is part of her rehab/recovery, and a way for me to learn about the program and addiction. I'm put off by the last two because I've done research on the program based on my sister's prior promises to join the program. I also grew up with parents addicted to drugs/alcohol and I know everything I need/want to know about addiction and the classic behaviors of an addict. However, I do think it's a great idea to call the director to ask for more information.
Up until a month ago, when I got wind that my sister showed up at my cousins to talk to them about her intent to regain custody of her youngest child, Baby L (whom my cousins have custody of and I testified against my sister to help make happen), I thought she was serving a 5 year prison sentence. I know she may have been mostly sober in prison, but this rehab thing is fairly new. I also feel like she is doing it not with the intent of turning her life around, but just long enough to get Baby L back.
The program she is in is specifically for mothers with drug problems. They serve their sentence in this program instead of in prison (not a bad idea because then the focus is on rehab and not punishment). It's a 12 month inpatient + 12 month outpatient program. Additionally the program focuses on helping mothers get their children/babies back. I am vehemently opposed to this given my sister's track record, plus baby L will be 2 in August and only knows my cousins as mommy/daddy. I feel like this is my sister not thinking about what is best for her children, but only what is best for herself. Not sure a judge would give my sister any leeway, but you never know.
Maybe I could go to the first session to get an update (if only for C's sake) and decide what I want to do from there. What a complicated situation with a lot of conflicting feelings!
Given your update, I think it would be a good idea to go to one session and get a feel for what's going on. If your sister is just doing this to further her own ends, it may not be something you want to encourage. In which case you can stop going.
GL. Sounds like a tough position to be in.
My sister did rehab too and I did go to a family session... It wasn't a long term comitment like you are talking about- just 1 session. (this situation was compleatly different than yours- my sister had no children at the time...) But thought I'd let you know how our session was set up.
1st ours was a family session- not a group thing (meaning it was just our family not other patients too.) The counsolor was able to answer any questions I had-which like you was very little because I too grew up with addicts and have done my research...
Then I was able to tell my sis how I felt about EVERYTHING she had done... She did some pretty shitty things to my family and our family that I'm still mad about... I did make it clear to her that this one session did NOT make it go away... She lost all my trust and she had to prove to me that she was trustworthy...
the place my sister was in felt it was important to do family sessions so the addict could hear how the family was feeling and be able to work thru those things. (I also think it helps the therapist no more of the truth.)
if I were you- I would tell the director exactly what you said her... Make sure they are aware of the situation with all of the kids... That you don't support your sister getting any of the children back. that you have done research and are knowlegable (I think a lot of these rehab places are used to having sessions with disfunctional family memebers)
Maybe ask if you can do 1 or 2 sessions now and then maybe closer to the end of her year inpatient do a longer session (giving you some peace of mind that she might stick it out...).
Good luck with whatever choices you end up making.
This was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you very much for sharing your experience.
I couldn't agree more with you. You have to be able to work through your feelings as well and I think the director needs to know where you are at.