How much "no" is too much for a 1 yo?

carawaynow

I've read here and other places that it's a good idea to use "no" sparingly, particularly with young children. My daughter is only almost one, and I worry I'm using it too much (like.. maybe I shouldn't use it at all?? It's so instinctual to say no!). At the same time, I think it's important for her to know some things are not okay. 

I think in a day I probably say no to her about something around 3 - 5 times (or there are 3-5ish "no" incidents). The most common culprits are: trying to play in the dog's water, grabbing the toilet/wanting to play in it, or putting something in her mouth she shouldn't (like a leaf outside, a piece of a wrapper she found, etc). I try my best to minimize opportunities for these things to happen, but it's not always possible. She really knows what "no" means and will stop what she's doing almost always (probably 90% of the time). The rest of the time I move her/distract and offer a brief explanation ("that's the doggie's water, we don't play with it. Here let's do xyz fun thing instead"). She's a total riot because she likes to test boundaries - she'll go up to the dog's water and give me a devilish grin, but not play in it (which I think is adorable). But she's also sensitive and has cried when I've said no before, usually when I say it more firmly because it's a bigger deal (such as no biting my boob).

Soooo... from that "short" description... do you think I say no too much? Should I just redirect instead? Will she learn not to do some things just based on redirection? Help!

PS I wanted to ask here for opinions b/c I've lurked for a while and (most!) everyone seems to have pretty balanced opinions that I agree with or respect. I have not read any discipline books (well I skimed the Dr. Sears one like a million years ago but remember nothing) so if you have recommendations, that'd be great. I plan on getting some, and actually reading the one I have. Soon. I swear.  

PPS posting on a mac and formatting is weird - sorry 

 

Sharon21

I don't really have a good answer for you but I will be interested to see what others have to say. I was just thinking earlier that I say no too often but am not sure what else I should do when my LO reaches for something she shouldn't. Like you said I do want her to have boundaries and know that some things are off limits. I try to redirect her attention a lot but sometimes I feel like I just need to tell her no, like earlier when she almost pulled the blu-ray player off the tv stand. 

pinksweetpea2

The only problems I have found with no is that they tend to repeat it A LOT at that age and then use it a lot once they get what it means.  Also, the more they hear it, the more they might block it out.

I found redirection to be the most helpful from 12-18 months.  I would say something like, "oh, we don't want to touch that," and then redirect her to something she could touch.  I did still have to say no frequently (man are those little buggers persistent LOL), but it wasn't all day long.

 

Jelliebean1982

Try a different word like, "YUCK!"  I found it better to say yuck, eww, dirty, hot, or something to the effect. 

bh2720

sometimes you just have to say no ;-)

however, since my son has been at the age where I needed to tell him no, I have tried to make sure that each day I am saying positive things and praising him more often than I'm telling him no. 

pixieprincss

You say no more than we do, but it doesn't sound like you are over-using it. We try to save "no" (as a directive*) just for emergency situations, though even then I tend to say "DANGER, STOP" instead. 

*We do not avoid "no" in normal conversation, as it is a vital word. If someone offers my child drugs someday, obviously I want him to say no with confidence!

I try to give alternatives or cans when possible. Sometimes I make a negative-sounding noise. Developmentally, 'no" is abstract. Other phrasing accompanied by action showing LO what I mean is more clear. No to pulling a cord looks and feels totaly different than no to throwing food or no to hitting the dog.

In the situations you mentioned, here is what I would do or say...

trying to play in the dog's water:
-That is for doggy only. Would you like some water?

grabbing the toilet/wanting to play in it:
-Dirty!
-That is for eyes only (and gently remove DS's hands, as not all words have meanings for kids and he has to be showen what they mean.
-We're done in the bathroom (or sit on the toilet while you brush your teeth, etc.)

 putting something in her mouth she shouldn't (like a leaf outside, a piece of a wrapper she found, etc):
-show  her something else to do with it--leaves are fun to crunch, acorns are fun to throw.
-Ask if she's hungry/wants to nurse

carawaynow

Thanks everyone for the great advice and suggestions! I'll definitely work on using the alternatives - a lot of them are things I'm doing anyway after saying no (saying YUCK, or offering alternatives), so it shouldn't be too hard go straight to that. I think it's hard partly because it is so ingrained in me to say no, but I have been saying it less even this morning.

And I totally forgot that once she starts really talking we're going to hear it ALL.THE.TIME. Ha. Would like to avoid that as much as possible.

vanfox

I think that sounds reasonable. It's for specific things and you're consistent about it.

SpiderSpray

The reasons I've heard for trying to limit "no" is mostly because kiddos this age need concrete meaning to words. Say "shoe" and point to a shoe. Say "dog" and point to a dog. What's a "no"? I know when I say it to ds (13 months) he knows it's bad, but doesn't quite get what the "no" is.

For example, if he tries to pet the dog while she's eating, I say "we do not touch the doggie while she eats her dinner". I don't want him to think the dog is a "no" or something he gets in trouble for. Or turning his cup up-side-down to watch it spill. "We hold our cups like this so we don't spill." I don't want him to think he shouldn't have grabbed his cup in the first place, since that wasn't the bad behavior.

I'm sure people look at me like a loon half the time, and I know that largely, ds has no idea what I'm saying yet, but he will.  I'm also hoping it will keep me from being the "because I said so" parent. If I help ds understand this early what is good or bad and why, hopefully it will just be a habit I continue as he gets older.

nosoup4u

Meh, I dunno. I've never worried about using the word "no" too much. Granted, we use other words when applicable, but I've never sat around fretting about saying "no" too many times in one day to my kids. We just focus on redirection and distraction.

pottermommy

Now granted my SD is 7 so it is a little more advanced now but we use no mainly for dangerous in the moment situations. 

IE- she ran straight from the car door out into the parking lot of Target.  My response.  "Katelyn No!"

For other things we use, and used when she was little, different words. 

Yuck that is the dogs water.

Ouch that heater is hot.

I don't think it hurts to say it too much though it definately doesn't cause irreversable damage or anything.  We just tended to use full sentances as explain it.

radak

I think you are using it reasonably.  I recently read that when a child feels like they don't have control to make decisions, they will become very frustrated and in response they will be and can begin to through tantrums.  The article had some interesting things to say about eliminating things in the house which would cause a parent to say "no". Thereby reducing having to tell your child "no" and reducing her frustrations, and as a result reducing tantrums.  I think this might be the biggest reason why I try not to tell my LO "no". But, obviously, you can't eliminate the dog's water. 

We don't use "no" very often. When we feel we have to say "no" I try to say "no thank you" and I wave my finger.  Sometimes I just waive my finger.  I feel like waving a finger will be harder for her to catch onto, and hopefully when she does it isn't as obnoxious as shaking her head no.