WWYD?

addison_clark

A group of 5 moms and our kids regularly get together for a coffee playdate every other week or so at C's house.  I would consider them my best friends.  Well, C's son is terribly misbehaved.  She knows it, we all know it, but she doesn't do anything about it.  She has basically given up on him or doesn't know what to do with him.  He is 5, my son is 4 and my son does not like to go over there anymore bc of how mean the boy is to him.  C's daughter on the other hand is my daughter's best friend (they are 3).  I feel the right thing would be to stop going to her playgroups since my son gets bullied while we are there.  He ends up crying most of the time bc C's son has hit him or locked him out of the playroom or charges him with a play sword, etc...  But on the other hand, my daughter has fun while there and so do I!  I really look forward to the conversation.  Is there a tactful way to tell my friend to do something about her son or should I just stop going to the coffee playgroups bc my son hates going?  I should add that anytime her son misbehaves, she doesn't do anything!  Sometimes she will say "Oh was that my son? Sorry" But never does she stop a behavior or correct or discipline.  Love to hear your thoughts!

KatFCo

If your son is being bullied, it's important you protect him. Either arrange for him to spend time with someone else during the playdates or don't go. You can explain to your friend exactly why you won't be attending and suggest that her daughter go to your house so the girls can play together.

kes77

Ohhhhhh this is a really tough one, but I think you should talk to her about it. Especially if you consider her one of your best friends as you said in your post and because your daughter and her daughter enjoying playing together.  I don't think you should stop going and avoid the situation.  

Is there a time you could talk with her alone, either on the phone or in person? Maybe meet her for coffee or have her over, go for a walk and talk about it? You could say how your son is feeling and how you feel in a tactful way.  I would start off by saying everything you said in the post.  How you consider her a good friend and how your daughters play so nicely together and you enjoy getting together for the conversation, etc.  Tell her that it is really difficult to bring up but your son doesn't want to play at her house anymore because of a) b) and c) and is there anyway the situation can be made better.  See what she says, she might get defensive or she might not and say she doesn't know what to do with him or maybe this conversation might be what gets her to start discipling her son.  

It's one thing for minor misbehaviors and such - all kids act out from time to time but it is another thing to be bullied and to have it happen constantly.  Her five year old must know he can do these things to your son because he gets away with it and your son is younger so he feels like he can boss him around.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I truly think if she values your friendship and your family she will listen to your concerns and start to correct her son's behavior.  I hope it gets better for you!

Good Luck! 

Mrs Manners

-auntie-:

There is really no way you can call her on her lack of discipline as you see it. Even a good friend doesn't want to hear your spin on her parenting abilities. Especially if her son is just a tougher kid than most. Afterall, her DD is a great kid, right?

The best you can say do is to decline invitations because your son and hers seem to be in different places developmentally and that your DS isn't happy with the sort of play typical of a five year old. Much of this boy's behavior reads as many kids who attend kindie or Pre-K Five programs. Next year, your kid might be the one charging kids with swords.

Since she's the hostess, you probably lose in this situation.

I agree with this too.  

addison_clark

Thanks for the feedback.  It really is a tough spot because I know I cannot tell her how to raise her kids.  And I realize my son isn't an angel either, he has been known to swing a sword at another kid before too!  But I don't think I am exaggerating her son's behavior.  He is in Kindergarten and she has been called in for behavior conferences 6 times this year already for him.  He has lots of behavior issues both in and out of school that are just too long to explain in 1 post.  My husband thinks I need to say something to my friend and if she doesnt start to do something, then I should stop hanging out with her.  I am not a confrontational person and I dont really feel comfortable telling her what I think she should do with her kids.  But I just get frustrated that when he does act out, she stays seated drinking her coffee and won't even acknowledge what happened or pull her kid off mine or put him in a time out or something!  Instead, I (or another mom of whoever kid he is tormenting at the moment) has to get up and deal with the situation.  She knows that her family doesn't get invited to many birthday parties/events bc of her son, and I hate to be another friend that just stops including her in things but really I am stuck.

UsedToBeGoldie

i would talk to the friend in a concerned way - a lot like what you wrote here... that you want to keep the friendship, but your son is feeling bullied, etc.

franciscaz

I think by going over there you are only letting the mom know she can let her son be the way he is and there are no consequences.  I know what parenting a "difficult" child is like.  My oldest on the spectrum.  For her to give up and let him bully other kids and act anti-socially is not right.  You need to protect your son.  Especially b/c kids model behavior and/or bullying could have a lasting affect on him.  

At this point I would be honest with C that the play dates are not working.  Maybe she can drop her daughter off for an hour or keep her son in the living room quietly watching a video while you are there.  Let her help with a solution but if she acts like it is no big deal than I would definitely find your daughter a new friend.

Ilumine

First, this is not a snark, but your first concern is the child who is NOT having a good time vs supporting the child who is.  A good time can be had anywhere, but a consistant bad time means YOU are purposefully putting him in this position.

Second, you do not need to be confrontational.  You can actually be a bit "sneaky" (for no better term). 

Start offering up alternatives to going to her house.  Choose outings that can help distract the brat, allow for your son to escape to other things, or (at the very least) give you the opportunity to step in when brat is doing something wrong (I will never parent in a friends home - but I sure enough will take control of kids in public places).

If that doesnt work, why not offer to take the 3 yo daughter for one-on-one time in your home.  You can even offer it up as "help' for your friend.

Third, if that doesnt work, stop interacting with her.  Seriously. You do not need to remain friends with people.  How one parents is a really big personality indicator.  If you do not mesh on this very basic level, then do you REALLY mesh in the rest of your relationship?

I do not suggest pulling the entire group with you, but why not start doing one-on-one playdates with the other moms on M, T, W, and F.  If you are really worried about a backlash, alternate them. 

But in the end, if she asks you what's up...be totally honest. 

 

jlw2505

I think I read below that the boy is in kindergarten.  If that is the case, I would try to schedule a playdate while he is in school.  That way the girls can still play and you can still your friend and your son won't be bullied.  If you keep doing that and decline the invites for the other playdates, your friend might get the message.  Given that she has been called into school for his behavior 6 times already, saying something that she already knows but is choosing to ignore is not going to do any good and will only put a strain on your friendship.  I would concentrate on girls only playdates or play dates at times when the boy is in school.