Parenting after 35
mau_loa
member
Pros & Cons of having a child after 35
mau_loa
member
I'm 32 and will be 33 in a few months. DH and I are definitely not ready to have a child right now, so I'm thinking that we will re-evaluate when I'm 35.
My question is: what are the pros/cons of having your first child at the age of 35 (or older)? What do I need to know?
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Re: Pros & Cons of having a child after 35
Pro: more mature and likely to be more patient. You've realized by that point that everything passes. You are also more likely to stand up for your child like firing a pediatrician you question or don't think is a good fit.
Cons: your energy level isn't what it was and your body may not bounce back as quickly. Honestly, I will say at 35, I was fine. I did notice more when I gave birth to DS at 37 and had DD to care for as well.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Pros: Like pp said. More patience. More maturity. You are also likely to be more financially stable.
Cons: To me the only real con is pressure to have children close together if you want more than one. Also, some women have a sharp fertility decline in late 30s.
Pro's: Agree with PP. Also have more time as a couple to travel and do fun things, go out to eat, get drunk LOL.....seriously that all stops when you have kids so in my case I had no regrets because we got that all out of our system. My career was/is very stable since I had 10 years in my profession before becoming a mom..I am more financially secure. We were able to plan to have kids and knew that DH would quit his job to be a SAHD because we had saved and we could afford it.
Con's: At 35/36 I was fine. My pregnancies at 39 and now 40 are taking a toll on my body. You also feel rushed if you want more than one. Our parents are all deceased except my mom who is unable to care for my kids so we have less help than others who have children in their 20's. Also have fear of growing old and not being around to enjoy your own grandchildren.
Ditto everyone else.
Honestly, the more you analyse it, the more you'll talk yourself out of it. There will never been enough time/money/energy, whether you're 32 or 42.
Con: You may have trouble conceiving at 35, which may lead to not having any kids at all. I know that a lot of people conceive after 40, but for some, each year drastically reduces your chances.
Pros: More chances of enjoying grandkids.
lol, maybe this sounds drastic, didn't mean to sound harsh either
word
i will add- i have NO REGRETS about not having a child sooner. i absolutely love being a mom at this stage in my life. not sure how i'll feel when i'm 50 and she's on the verge of being a teen and probably hates me and my silver hair and wrinkles but i'll cross that bridge then.
click the pic (blog)
Agree
first child a month before turning 39, second baby 3 months before turning 43. dh is nearly 10 years older than me so he was 48 and 52.
pros: a) we have more financial and emotional stability now than when younger. b) i've stayed out all night drinking and whoring ... i had fun, but i know what i'm missing when i go to bed at 9:30pm on saturday, and it's ok. c) our careers are pretty established and taking time off or 'slowing down' is not going to hurt us at work. d) more patient (see one of the 'cons' ... the less energy you have the more patient you can be). e) more confident to trust myself
cons: a) lack of ENERGY. it is really hard to keep up with little kids. luckily i'm friends with some younger moms and when we are at the park, they do the chasing. b) pregnancy is hard on the body ... i don't know what pg is like with a younger body, but it can't be easier on an older body. c) increases in c/s and other age related stuff (including infertility). d) we are definitely the oldest parents among my 4 year olds classmates ... i hope we aren't seen as fogies.
i didn't meet dh until i was in my early 30's, so there really wasn't much of a choice, but i think it has worked well for us. in my opinion, the stability and confidence that comes with age and experience has made this work for us. but i can definitely see how doing it earlier in like could provide advantages as well.
I always kind of wonder if the 20-somethings are actually just as tired?
But seriously, for you this isn't a HUGE question. It's not like you are 27 now and debating waiting. If you started trying right now, you might have a child at age 34...so re-evaluating at 35 is about 2 years difference.
That said, I don't know what your reasons are for not being "ready." I'd think about them carefully. Knowing what I do now, I would ideally have had kids a few years earlier. But, we had a lot of single friends and no one was in any hurry, and it seemed like we had all the time in the world before we finally got married.
I am SO SO glad DH and I started when we did (first child at almost 34 and second at almost 36). We were super lucky that we had no trouble conceiving. We have a lot of friends who tried for a long time or are still trying. Things that make me kind of sad are
--if we are all lucky and live long lives, still have fewer years with our kids/grandkids than if we had started earlier
--don't want to seem old to my own kids when compared to other parents. I always liked that my parents were YOUNG compared to others (Mom had me at 23) and I'll be the opposite.
--MY parents and grandparents will have fewer years to have a relationship with my children. I still have 2 grandparents and DH has 1 (2 until recently) and that has been a wonderful blessing in our lives.
agree with several other posts...we waited a while and when we thought we were "ready", didn't count on it taking 1 1/2 years to conceive (and the fertility testing/treatments involved). I was 34 1/2 when I had my first and now will be 36 with our 2nd. I don't necessarily regret waiting, but just factor in how long it may take to actual conceive.
Also, the risks of many chromosomal abnormalities are definitely increased in mid-late 30's, so if you want more than 1 child, I wouldn't wait too long! Good luck!
I agree with pretty much everyone else. Hindsight is 20/20 - so for what it's worth - I was convinced that it would be difficult to get pg once I hit that magic number. We were not ready before I was 35. We got pregnant the 2nd month. Then I was completely neurtoic the entire pregnancy that something was definately going to go wrong because I was 35 - 36 at delivery. My OB required I see an advanced fetal care specialist because of AMA - a lot more visits, closer monitoring. My pregnancy was completely uneventful, so was my delivery (which I also didn't expect because of the age thing). I really let the 35 and over thing ruin my pregnancy.
The fact is, yes, it can be more difficult to get pregnant the older you get and you are at higher risk for complications. However, the same thing can happen when you are in your 20's or early 30's. You don't know if you'll have trouble TTC until you try. Personally, I don't think the fear of 35 is enough to push you into having a baby before you're ready. Nothing is 100% in TTC and pregnancy - all you can do is consider the stats, but advanced maternal age is really not as bad as you may get into your head. I do agree that if you want more than one, realistically though, you don't have all the time in the world to wait. Although that can be a positive too, siblings close in age, you do the baby stage all at once and you're done.
I had my first child at 32.5 and my second when i was 35.5
Pros: the "wild" times are pretty much over and done, priorities are in line, probably have a house, more money in the bank, more stable career etc. For me a huge pro was i had already been working since college and had a master's degree and work experience under my belt with that--so staying home was an option and a welcome change. After 35 you qualify for advanced prenatal testing if you want it.
Cons: body does not bounce back as well as my friends who were younger having kids at the same time--i had hip/back pain for close to a year after my second child. Tired--oh my the tired--i feel like i am always tired. you are one of the older moms at the playground and school open house nights--seriously some of the moms in my 5 years old's class are 4-10 years younger than i am
the energy to keep up with a toddler/pre-schooler is tough some days
I've read through this whole thread and I was in your shoes when I was 31, then 32 and I really understand not being "ready". Ideally, we always thought we'd start trying around 31, 32. I was finally ready just after I turned 34. I got pregnant right before I turned 35. I just turned 36 and now have a four month old.
Having a baby has been both the most amazing, wonderful, love-filled time ever, and the hardest, most exhausting life altering thing I have ever been through, all mushed together. If you are not ready, I would wait until you are. For a long time I was not ready because of fear and then one day I wanted a baby much more than all of the reasons holding me back. The thought of being years down the road and regretting never trying out of fear was more than I could bear.
Pros:
Financial Stability, House we know we can afford, established careers, perspective and time/flexibility to appreciate every little moment with her
I am SO glad we waited until we were settled, had a house and established careers. Part of me wishes I had been ready back when I was 31, but I know I wasn't ready for the reality of a newborn or an infant. You have to be ready to put yourself second. It is an amazing gift to be a mom, but being a mom is hard work, no matter your age.
Cons:
The doctors treat you like you're creaky and ancient
Her grandparents each got a bit sad at different times when they started to think ahead to when she's older, wondering how long they'll have with her.
Feeling more pressure to make a decision about having a sibling, probably before we would if we were younger
It's a hard decision, but asking these questions is a good first step. Eventually you just have to let go and take the leap, one way or the other. Good luck!
I'm 35 now and had my DD at 33. It only took me 1 month to get pregnant. My DD is now 19 months old. We are going to TTC baby #2 in a few months. My OB said it will not be any harder to conceive now that I'm 35.
Pros: Financially stable/jobs stable, more mature, own our home, we did everything we wanted to, travelled, went to grad school, and enjoyed each other for 4 years before we got pregnant.
Cons: Tired easier and grandparents are pushing 60. They get tired more.
You need to know that your eggs are getting older everyday. This means that you risk genetic disorders as you age. Such as Downs. I would have loved to have had my LO long before I was 41, but couldn't due to circumstances. It takes someone in their 20's an average of 2 YEARS to conceive. It only gets harder when you get older.
That said - I am glad I am older and more mature. There is no way I could have been as calm when I was younger.
Best of luck to you.