need some reassurance. . . . .

luvmybaby28

my lo has some crazy tantrums.  He will go through periods with hardly any tantrums, but then a phase occurs again where everything sets him off.  I am never changing what I do during the no tantrum periods so it seems like something he just does.

I worry that I am harming him with all of the crying.  I know they say toddlers cry and tantrum, but he seemed like he was going to throw up today he was losing it so extremely bad.

I worry that it is all my fault because I didn't sleep train, I know he sometimes doesn't sleep well and has a great day free of tantrums, or vice versa so I know this doesn't even make sense.  But today he woke up at 4 and never went back to sleep, but I made plans with family that I had to go to at 9.  He hadn't been there in a while and he lost it as soon as we go to the door.  I nursed him soon after to calm him down, and then he had fun but had a huge tantrum when we left - I have tried everything to calm him down when we leave places.  Like I said, he goes through no tantrum phases where this doesn't even bother him.

I am just feeling like such a failure right now and wondering if he would be happier had I made different choices with him - sleep trained, etc.

tokenhoser

I don't think sleep training and tantrums have much to so with each other, other than a tired kid might melt down more.

I haven't hit that phase yet, but my little brother used to throw epic tantrums. Fall on the floor and scream and turn red tantrums. He is, today, a well adjusted adult that to my  knowledge does not do that any more. 

It's just a phase. Deal with it in a consistent, calm manner, but don't worry that his own tantrums are hurting him in any lasting way. The goal of parenting - even AP - can't be to avoid all discomfort and bad feelings in life. It's to get them to deal with the bad feelings in better ways. That can be hard when you're not even 2 yet.

KateLouise

My take on it is this. I'm a pretty awesome sleeper. I know how to self settle, and generally STTN (with the exception of small beings waking me)

But some nights I just can't get to sleep. or I wake early. Or I wake up a lot. Or I have a lot on my mind and can't resettle. Or I feel unwell. Or I need to go to the toilet. Sometimes the next day I'm tired and grumpy. Sometimes I have little tantrums (although as an adult I keep most of it in my head)

So I'm an adult, and all sorts of things can disrupt my sleep, and therefore disrupt how the following day goes for me. I do not think how my mother sleep trained me or didn't has anything to do with my sleep patterns as an adult.

I don't expect anything more or less of my two year olds sleep. I do expect that she needs more help and support from me when her routine or sleep patterns get thrown off. But that's kind of the point of being a Mum.

 

Bride2b2004

Oh sweetie, kids just do that!  You are not a failure.  

Have you read Positive Discipline?  I remember reading one when DS was tiny, I think the 0-2 one and I felt relief that epic tantrums must be pretty common if this book devotes discussion to it.  I like how they explained the thought process of LO (or lack thereof) and how strong emotions like disappointment just overwhelm them and their brains aren't yet able to cope or reason.  The recommendation there (which I agree with) is let them have their tantrum as long as they are safe and not injuring themselves or others.  In the book, the child threw themselves down on the floor at the mall in front of the pet store when the parents wouldn't bring home the puppy.  Anyway, just let them get the emotions out, don't give in to their demands or try to reason with them.  Try to be empathetic & afterwards give a hug.  My 20 mo old has been doing this off and on and when I go over for a hug he takes things up a notch, but if I back off and say "okay, not yet, if you want a hug let me know" he will usually want a hug-- those strong emotions are pretty scary to little ones.

jsugrin

Boy do I understand the non sleep training guilt.  My son is the same way and for us instead of age 2, age 3 ect being rough it was more than "half" ages, so basically right where you are.  We went though the 2's from more like 1 1/2-2, then a quieter phase and then back to hell from 2 1/2-3ish.

Of course the sleep deprivation is causing more tantrums.  Your best approachs are a solid sleep routine and more support when you know he's tired.  I decided pretty early on that my approach and expectations would be different when my child was worn out and tired than when he was well rested.  I guess my point is, focus on the root of the problem and not just the outcome (the tantrum).  So when DS is tired he is more likely to get a good calm talk before we do something, " I know you're tired today so this trip to Grandma's might be a little hard.  If you feel yourself getting really tired or overwhelmed just come to mama for some cuddles and you can take a little break". (it takes a lot of repetition but they get it.  My 4 year old will still climb in my lap and tell me " I need some mama cuddles::swoon:::).  Then if we did have a tantrum, he fell apart I'd remove him to a quiet, preferable darker room and rock him in my arms and with a soothing voice tell him "it's ok, over and over and over".  Those words worked really well for him when he was younger.  Now he tends to yell " It's NOT OK!". so we vary our approach.

I think when a kiddo is tired and becomes overstimulated they need you to step in and take away as much stimulation as you can in order to give them the best shot at re-ordering themselves. Around that age is when I also started to work with DS #1 on taking a deep breath when he was frustrated and it's amazing how well that worked.

Good luck mama and do not feel guilty, we're all just doing our best here.