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Boston Babies
Breastfeeding etiquette
I have a rather awkward situation I'd like some guidance on. I recently hosted a birthday party at my house. One of the couples invited brought along their very adorable infant. In the middle of the party, my friend sat on the couch to breastfeed. For the record, I have no problem with breastfeeding. What I do have a bit of an issue with is how this specific instant was handled. She lifted up her top entirely and exposed both breasts to the entire party, before deciding which breast she'd feed from, and subsequently covering that breast up.
There were some people there she knew, some people there she didn't. When she sat on the couch topless, conversations came to an awkward halt. The men in the room became noticeably uncomfortable. Some men moved into a different room, others kinda gawked. When the baby was done, she once again just sat there on the couch with her breast exposed while she cleaned him up.
After the couple left, a number of people came up to me asking "what was up with that" and telling me they felt extremely uncomfortable and "would have appreciated a warning." I didn't know what to say, and simply said I was sorry that they felt uncomfortable.
I'm wondering what to do about this, if anything. I do not have children and have no idea if this is normal behavior. I do feel like it could have been handled better since it was mixed company. She could have asked to go to another room upstairs, or used a blanket or something while sitting in the living room. Or just not sat on the couch completely topless initially. This was probably the most extreme way for this situation to unfold.
Does anyone have insight into this? Should I speak to her about it or let it go? And what do I do if this happens again?
Thanks a ton for your feedback.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Breastfeeding etiquette
Some women are very comfortable with breastfeeding in front of people and she probably didn't think anything of it. I would let it go and if you are put in a similar situation then say something. Tell her she made people feel uncomfortable the last time she did it and would she mind either doing it in another room (offer to keep her company maybe) or would she like something to cover up with so there won't be any boob exposure. They make things now that cover you up really well, I am surprised she doesn't have one of those.
I know my BF got me mad one day when she changed a poopy diaper on my kitchen table.....gross. I never said anything but the next time she goes to do it I will.
Dude, changing a sh!tty diaper on a table =/= breastfeeding.
I gather a few things from the OP.
1. That you may not be entirely okay with BF, otherwise, why would it have bothered you? If it was bothering your guests, and it didn't bother you, then you may have been more inclined to say "Well it's my house, it's no big deal" and left it at that.
2. Something tells me that you are exaggerating the scenario greatly.
I say #2 because no BF mother I have ever been around just takes her top off and exposes herself like that. Unless they are merely weeks after giving birth and are still learning how to BF. It is common for a BF mom to feel both breasts to remind herself which side baby is due to feed on, but taking her clothes off in a room full of people and looking at them?
BF takes practice. Sometimes babies pop off and mom is caught off guard. It's more important to catch baby and catch any spit up than it is to worry about a little nip exposure.
I think there are 2 ways to handle this in the future. One, distract your guests, however immature they may be, with a game, a gathering outside, or with a television show.
or two, offer her a blanket to cover with.
or three, make new friends. Honestly, being "horrified" and "gawking". Really? Are you friends with a bunch of junior high kids or something?
What is "normal" varies from mother to mother. Some women have no issues BF in a room full of people. Others will do so discreetly, under a cover, and some will leave the room.
All in all, it's just a breast. It's a baby who needs to eat. It's a new mother trying to learn the very overwhelming task of BF and tending to her baby's needs. Therefore, she needs your support, not your judgement or your "concern" over what your friends think. Because, honestly, if it truly didn't bother you, why would you be the one to say something to her?
All this.
So you equate pissing with breastfeeding?
Really?
I do not expect my BF friends to "ask" my permission to go take a piss somewhere. And I most certainly do not expect them to "ask" my permission to feed their infant- whether it's with a bottle or a breast.
JFC.
I would be horrified if some of my friends were "gawking" at a breastfeeding mother. I don't understand why this is something to gawk at.
Breasts are not genitals, because they are not part of the reproductive system. Scientifically speaking, breasts are erogenous zones--that is, an area of heightened sensitivity that can be stimulated to achieve sexual arousal. Genitals, since their primary functions are sexual, are legally considered obscene and cannot be shown in public. Erogenous zones are not primarily sexual and thus are not obscene. Mouths, necks, and fingertips, are also erogenous zones frequently used for sexual arousal; however, like breasts, their primary biological functions are not sexual. They become sexual or non-sexual in the context of how they are used. Using your mouth for oral sex or to give a hickey is sexual. Using your mouth to eat or breathe with is not. Likewise, stimulating your nipples or using your breasts for "mammary intercourse" is sexual. Feeding a child is not.
Urination and defecation in public are banned for two reasons: because feces and urine are unsanitary and because the act of urination or defecation require the genital area to be exposed. Breast milk is not unsanitary, nor does breastfeeding expose any genitals. Thus, the reasons for banning public urination/defecation don't apply to breastfeeding.
Wurd.
02-11-2012
Breasts are not genitals, because they are not part of the reproductive system. Scientifically speaking, breasts are erogenous zones--that is, an area of heightened sensitivity that can be stimulated to achieve sexual arousal. Genitals, since their primary functions are sexual, are legally considered obscene and cannot be shown in public. Erogenous zones are not primarily sexual and thus are not obscene. Mouths, necks, and fingertips, are also erogenous zones frequently used for sexual arousal; however, like breasts, their primary biological functions are not sexual. They become sexual or non-sexual in the context of how they are used. Using your mouth for oral sex or to give a hickey is sexual. Using your mouth to eat or breathe with is not. Likewise, stimulating your nipples or using your breasts for "mammary intercourse" is sexual. Feeding a child is not.
Urination and defecation in public are banned for two reasons: because feces and urine are unsanitary and because the act of urination or defecation require the genital area to be exposed. Breast milk is not unsanitary, nor does breastfeeding expose any genitals. Thus, the reasons for banning public urination/defecation don't apply to breastfeeding.
Exactly its breastfeeding get over it! If those boobs were in a bikini no one would say a word! but put a baby there and people get all bent out of shape.. its boobs get over it let a baby eat in peace!
Really? Because I see the words right here.
Did you mis-speak?
And you clearly do give a flying f*ck what others think, why else would you fly off the handle over something so small on a forum?
Really, the only one who looks looney in this post is you.
WHATTT????? Ha ha ha. Is this real?
Breastfeeding is not sexual and if it makes someone uncomfortable, that is their own problem.
You should put a tad more thought in to your arguments. If you are truly interested in arguing that it's inappropriate to bf publicly, then go right ahead and try to make your point. However, when you do it in the same run-on paragraph as your argument that platinum posters = celibate, you should realize that no one is going to take you seriously.
But, like I said, I would genuinely love for you to stick around.
I
my monkey breasts.
But... wait... I thought no one was having sex because of all the time spent posting here? But the whole world is an orgy?
I'm confused. I need to go comb my leg hair.
I totally have monkey breasts right now...or at least how I imagine monkey breasts to be. GIANT Milk filled Monkey breasts. Ha ha ha.
Congrats ladies! it only took a few years for this board to finally have some drama!
my 2 cents: yes, gawking at someone breastfeeding is very immature but gawking at someone sitting on a coach in the middle of a childs birthday party w/ no shirt on is a bit different. if that is really what went down, that is pretty weird of that mom to do. I NIP all the time but i use a cover. not for anyone else's comfort level, but my own. no one needs to see my giant monkey boobs/nipples. plus my girl nurses better when she's not as distracted and the cover helps that.
LittleTalk has yet to come back to respond.
MUD?
Did we scare her off? Oh noes.
Littletalk is the OP....
Everything about your posts is polar opposite of your claim that you do not like drama.
zomg, this thread is comedy GOLD!
helpfulmama - I nurse my toddler in public without a cover. THE HORROR, right?
Yay! I missed you!
I want to ask a genuine question or two. The last time I posted in one of these threads, I was bored and acted an ass, just because I could. I'm honestly trying to see things from your point of view. So you know where I'm coming from, my current feelings are nurse in public all you want, but at least attempt to be discreet. (as in use a cover whenever possible, especially in mixed company.)
Is there a legitimate reason she needed to lift her shirt up before she decided which boob to use?
How hard would it have been to step into another room, to get started and then rejoin the other adults once the baby was on the boob? Is it hard to get started while standing? I understand it would have been considerably harder to sit down, get started and then stand up without the baby losing it's latch. I'm just wondering if she could have stepped into the kitchen, got the baby going and then returned, when the unused boob, was recovered by a her shirt, and her used boob was covered by her baby.
I don't get the "hate " on all the people who couldn't help watching. It's human nature to "gawk" at things you don't see regularly.
Please understand I'm not judging her for meeting her baby's needs, or saying anything close to she should stay at home until the kid's weaned.
If it had been at her own house with only her own friends, or if it had been on her own in public, or if it had been just her and the OP, out in public. But it just seems inconsiderate to me, to not consider her host's feelings, in the host's home.
I still have a hard time believing she lifted up her shirt and bared both naked breasts before deciding which boob to use. I have NEVER seen anyone do this, and I've been around a lot of BFing moms in the last couple years.
I don't know the age of the baby here, but with my own it took two months before I was able to nurse him without a boppy/pillow of some sort, let alone be able to get him started while standing. So yes, I imagine it would have been too difficult.
I agree with JCam that I don't believe she bared both naked breasts.
I don't think it is okay to gawk at a breastfeeding mother.
I stated it in my OP, and I will say it again: I don't believe it went down the way the OP said it did. I highly doubt she hiked up her entire shirt and made a big production out of it.
We have no idea how old this baby was, so depending on that, I'm not sure how "hard" it would have been for her to latch him standing up. It would be a lot more awkward for me to have done that, since sitting down with a baby on my boob would have resulted in him unlatching to see what I was doing.
And it's human nature to gawk at things you aren't used to seeing? I'm not used to seeing little people. So does that mean I get a free pass to gawk at them? No.
Apparently, the "host" didn't have any feelings one way or the other, she states that "her friends" had the feelings, so your last argument that the mom should have taken the host's feelings into consideration is irrelavent.
Unless you, too, think the OP (hostess) has a lot more to this story of "her friends being uncomfortable) that what she has posted.
Since she did the post-and-run, well, now we'll never know. My bets are on that she either wrote this post as MUD (in which she got the rise out of some of us that she was looking for) or she isn't being honest in her OP and doesn't want to explain herself out of embarassment.