My turn: argumentative kids

A&Jmom

Ok, my turn.  I'm (and DH) are pretty much at our wit's end with DD's arguing.  She argues about EVERYTHING and anything.  She always HAS to get the last word in and has something to say about EVERYTHING! UGH!  I know where she gets it from (damn it!) but she has absolutely no control over it, none.  It is causing her to be in constant trouble and ends up taking the fun out of many family times.  I know I shouldn't engage her in the moment, I know this, but, it is harder said than done.  We try to send her away as soon as she starts in but not always successful and it often ends in one of us yelling at her.   (which has absolutely no effect, I know this)   She doesn't do it at school, so I know she knows how but it doesn't stop her with us.  She has always known how to get by of our goats, but it is getting worse.

I really need help! Any thoughts or ideas, please!

Nessia

I'm no help but I can commiserate. DD is into asking why or justifying her reason for not doing something when I say no to her. Oh and the attitude to little brother sometimes is not great.

KDM2006

I am by no means a psychologist or even close to an expert in parenting, but I believe she is just craving your love and attention.  She may start an argument in the car or something, where there isn't much you can do, but maybe find a car game she would like to play?  I think planning other activities with just her would help as well.  I wouldn't go overboard, but just give her the time she needs with you.  Obviously, lay down some rules about arguing, when the timing is right.  I would ease into the change in her (and your) habits of doing so though.  Just end them when they happen as quickly as possible with, "then we will just agree to disagree, ok?"  I would also offer to go play with her, do something special with her, etc. when she takes the high road and decides to stop arguing with you.  Good luck.  I've dealt with my fair share of "arguments" already.  They are pretty ridiculous though because he doesn't know what he is talking about and doesn't even realize that we aren't really arguing!

cs612

Have you read love and logic?  I have a never ending arguer also and I swear she will be an attorney!!!!  This book and class have really helped me find ways to deal with it.

A&Jmom

cs612:

Have you read love and logic?  I have a never ending arguer also and I swear she will be an attorney!!!!  This book and class have really helped me find ways to deal with it.

 

I had the "teaching" book years ago and saw it in action by a teacher I worked with back then.  I never ended up reading it or going to the seminar I wanted to go to though, got busy, had kids and all. :P I've been meaning to look into the parenting book and even wanted to attend a local seminar on it, but the timing was bad.  I'll have to make sure I do it now, thanks for the rec! 

jakbtx

I don't have answers either, but the book _ Stop Ar guing with your kid s_ was recently recommended to me for help w my almost 6 yr old. And then there's this article To make you feel better https://m.npr.org/story/144495483?url=/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future

ali-1411

Welcome to my world

My mom used to say that that I would argue about the sky being blue.  And Jakob takes after me, except with a lot more energy.  Its still a toss-up as to how Layna will turn out.  Poor DH.

When Jakob was about 5 - 7 years old, we were in this mode of "correcting" his behavior.  Every argument, every attitude would have us packing up our sh!t and heading back for home.  We would discipline every single time he would act up and all it accomplished was all of our misery.

We finally decided that it wasn't worth it.  We've learned to let some things go.  If he argues about something ridiculous, instead of cancelling the whole day and everyone being miserable...instead I just send him to him room for 10 minutes.  Then he comes out and we go about our day, no discussion or lecture necessary  (idea from 1-2-3 Magic).  

Many times, when he's starting to argue, I just tell him that I'm not going to have this conversation right now.  He can either drop it or go away.  9 times out of 10, he stomps off in a temper but is back a few minutes like nothing ever happened.

DH and I have managed to have a sense of humor about it.  We try to keep each other in line and out of the argument.  If one of us starts getting dragged into it, the other will say, "Disengage! Abort!" and it usually brings us back to our senses.  Nothing can make you feel more stupid than arguing with a child.

The best advice my mom every gave me:  She said that you will always love your child but you won't always like them.  So true.  It doesn't make you a bad mother and it doesn't mean that you love them any less.  It just means that kids can be impossible.  Its easy to fall into this trap of thinking that you've ruined this kid, they aren't ever going to be a successful adult because they'd rather spend 20 minutes arguing that they won't trip on their shoelaces rather than spend two minutes and just tie their freaking shoes.  But that's not true at all.  Jakob has gotten so much better in recent years and I've turned out just fine   Hang in there!

 

A&Jmom

Thanks everyone!  Good points and tips. I'm going to start making even more of an effort to find what works for her and consistently using it!  I made it all last night without yelling one and her arguing was MUCH less!  Each time she started she was met with a very calm but firm "I'm not going to argue with you."  Then if she continued a "You're welcome to stay down here with us if you can stop arguing" which stopped her in her tracks. YAY!  Baby steps.  I know the key is to not lose it with her when she starts in, much harder said than done though, especially when I have a million things I'm trying to get accomplished.  I'm making progress though!

Jckbtx (i didn't get that right)- very interesting article!  That is one thing I do worry about now.   I do love that she questions things, and does not just accept it on go on.  It is so her, and I love it(in theory).  It is just the petty arguing for the sake of arguing/having something to say that is driving us BONKERS.  I hope we can find a way to strike a good balance with her to cut out the bickering yet not stifle her personality.