advice.. B4 i end up on this board.plz

martinezbby10

i am engaged to a very good man. 

Issues since my pregnancy began have come and gone- only now i see more to him i'am wishing i hadnt. I am all for loving someone for who they are- i do love him for who he is. BUT he has quilities i dont want my child to be taught...

 

*crude comments

*religion mockery

*rough play -i love it when he toys with me:] but sometimes its disrespectful.. and childish- We have three more weeks till we will kno gender.. if a boy i dont want his dad teaching him that being rough -in the childish/disrespectful ways- with his significant other OR any woman is okay.. if a girl i dont want her to see her dad when he is being a lame ass and thinking "oh, so thats how it should be" 

*unable to take accountability in heavy situations

*gives up when things get tough- ex: if over phone trying to talk a conflict out he will hangup, or he will walk away if he does not like what he is hearing-... this one scares me the most! is this what he will do when our angel babe is actually in the world!!?? :'[

etc. etc. etc. etc. -in that order-

 So much more- but these are basics.. i guess my question is.. Am i just controlling? Uncompassionate? picky? selfish with expectations? 

OR

can at least have some understanding....

 

What should i do?

 

i dont want to be apart of this board.. no offence! im a lurker, and you guys are all fantastic!! 

ashleyann331

I hear ya on the not wanting to end up on this board (I dont know as many people want to) It sounds like he is very immature, I know you dont want to hear that but thats what it sounds like. Since you are pregnant maybe try going to talk to a counselor and see if that helps, I'm a firm believer in giving people a second chance. (but in the case ofmy STBX, I've given him 5,6,7,8,45 chances.... ughhh) The sad thing about guys is that they don't ever have to grow up. They always have a way out. The thing about women is they are forced to for the most part once they are pregnant. Its an unfair part of life and because you made a baby with him no matter what the outcome is your going to have to be involved in each others life for forever now. I know it sounds harsh but its really how it is. I've had to get past that sort of anger/upset with that too. Look into the deeper issues though, maybe take a week or two apart and have no contact with him. Really sort through your feelings about him and decide if maybe your really happy with him or not. Marriage is HUGE and in my opinion is a bigger life changer than a baby. Good luck girl.

DHYGchica3

I'm actually happy to be here. I am glad I stood up for myself, and left STBX because he was ruining everything for me and holding me back. He was mentally abusive and would scream and throw fits and I'd worry if he'd lose control and hit me or DS.

I'm not happy that at 24 I'm facing a divorce. It's not what I would have chosen for myself. But we all make mistakes, pick ourselves up, and move on.

Your FI seems like a HUGE mistake. I'm really not sure what you want a bunch of SP to tell you so you don't end up here (kinda doesn't make sense- do you want us to say stay with him???). I think a lot of the women here are better off without their X's and are glad to be here. You have to make that choice for you.

DHYGchica3

I'm just going to add that being here isn't a punishment. The ladies here have been so wonderful, and the group is made up of  some of the strongest women you'll ever meet.

achase123

He sounds like a jerk.  Just because you don't WANT to be a single parent doesn't mean that it's not the best decision.  Not many of us wanted things to turn out this way, they just have and the circumstances were beyond our control.

Try getting into counseling to sort out your feelings.  I am willing to be there's much more you're not telling us.  Sugar coating a situation is pretty common when things have been bad for a long time.

peeps61308

First of all, you know the answer to all the questions you are asking us. If you think the things you described are Not okey, then they aren't. Period. The question now is if you will be okay moving forward in your life with this man and your baby.

FWIW, had I not had DD I would probably still be making excuses and still be with DB. Once DD was born I decided that I did NOT want her to grow up thinking that what she was seeing was acceptable behavior. I would never had forgiven myself if DD had ended up in a similar situation because that is the example I set for her growing up. 

Good luck!

expectingnothing

I'd much rather be here than deal with any of that.  My STBXH was at least an adult when we became parents and respected me as one as well.  I'm not sure what else to tell you - those are not things I would be willing to tolerate.  It sounds like you'd be a single mom to two children if you stayed with him, not just one. 

martinezbby10

DHYGchica3

plz dont get offended.. like i the i phrased YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL. 

What i was getting at?

what would you do, or am i just overreacting: i wasnt wanting you to say stay with him etc. i wanted an honest opinion. 

 

peeps61308

martinezbby10:

DHYGchica3

plz dont get offended.. like i the i phrased YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL. 

What i was getting at?

what would you do, or am i just overreacting: i wasnt wanting you to say stay with him etc. i wanted an honest opinion. 

 

You got quite a few honest opinions. You are not overreacting. If it bothers you, then it is unacceptable behavior. Now you must decide if you are ok living like this or want something more from a relationship.

martinezbby10

Thankyou, all of you. 

Its just been a stressful four months- sorry for the vent! 

kiley&matt

I heard a wonderful quote once: "Never marry a man unless you'd be proud to have a son just like him."  You've mentioned that you would hate for your future child to behave like him, so I think there's your answer.  Many of us on this board have left our relationships because we realized that we and our children deserve better.  So, like PP mentioned, I'd recommend going to counseling.  Not marriage counseling, or premarital counseling, but just by yourself so that you can figure out what you're really willing to put up with in a marriage.  I hope you'll get to the point where you'll start to trust yourself and believe in your gut feelings.  Because what you're telling us today is your intuition telling you that things aren't right.  Please keep in mind that it is much easier to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce - legally, anyway.  Good luck!

JoCoGirl911

No lies, I love my boyfriend but he is a *sshole to the max and while I am HOPING and PRAYING that this baby makes him see that he needs to grow up and be a man, I am not COUNTING on it.
What I am counting on is having to be a single parent or possibly having to share custody of our baby with this man.
Hope for the best but expect the worst and start making a plan NOW in case you need to get out.

KtGirl88

Let me tell you from personal experience. If you are writing this post. You will end up here. I wrote a post here VERY similar to this when I was pregnant and didn't listen to the advice of these great women because I was "in love" and "he will change for the baby when she gets here" and "I don't want her to have a broken home" and now I am in a very messy custody battle. Do yourself a favor and leave now. It will not be easy but your baby will end up suffering in the end. When my daughter was born my ex still cussed, made fun of the fact I took her to church and said "she won't ever want to go to church when she is older because its stupid" and even at her baptism party he was quoting south park and making fun of it. He gave up when she was crying, played video games non stop instead of being a man and dealing with it and whenever we fought he would shut down, hang up, or leave the house which made things worse.

So heres this...

"i am engaged to a very good man" -- Doesn't sound like it. Obviously if you notice all these awful flaws he is not a good man. Don't try to stick up for him and then complain about him.

"crude comments" -- This won't change... it will only get worse with the stress of a screaming baby and possibly sleepless nights

"religion mockery" -- If you plan on raising your child as christian, catholic, jewish... ect. he/she will always be ashamed of there religion if "daddy" mocks it and makes fun of them for it.

"rough play" -- not sure what you mean by that but if it is disrespectful he should know better. boys are going to be boys and play rough sometimes but it should not be in a way that makes you uncomfortable or feel disrespected.

"unable to take accountability in heavy situations" -- do you really want to marry someone who will never be able to take blame for anything? It will completely wear you down.

"gives up when things get tough" -- if you are a mother that is going to be ok with CIO then your fianc? is perfect because that is what he will do. when your LO is crying because his/her tummy hurts or a tooth is coming in he will get mad and walk away. do you really want that? What about when your baby is fighting taking a bottle? Will he just chose not to feed him/her because its easier and he doesn't have to deal with it?

 

If you do stay with him... don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't give the baby his last name because from the sounds of it... unless you go to counseling and he does some serious changing I know where this is headed...

 

Im sorry if this comes of rude but I WISH someone would have slapped me when I was pregnant and made me realize what I was engaged to! 

martinezbby10

Thankyou guys, especially the last three.