Intro and XP from July 2011. Confessions:The real JEn

MamaCoffin

On the outside I'm the perfect mother. I have my body back, my hair and makeup are always pristine. I always dress nice, and my house is spotless. I have a baby that sleeps great (95% of the time). I can take her anywhere. She rarely ever fusses. She's completely content to be out and about and she is always dressed as well as I am. I'm fortunate enough that DH makes enough to support us and this allows me to stay home. Last week he bought me new boots and yesterday he sent me to get my nails done.

My life is perfect....

On the outside.

Inside I'm starting to unravel. Maybe it's my history of anxiety and depression coming back to haunt me. Maybe it's because I'm a spoiled brat and the second something doesn't go my way I flip me sh!t. Either way it's becoming ridiculously unhealthy.

Lucy and I were both sick for a week. I blamed all of my anxiety on that (even though it goes back way further than last week). She went to her Nana's for 2 nights so I could get myself better. For 2 days I had little to no anxiety. My mood was better. I was happier. My sex drive came back (albeit subtly). I was definitely a renewed person. That was all I needed. Two days of baby free rest and everything was going to be ok again. Right?

Wrong.

She came home yesterday. Immediately my anxiety escalated. Last night was miserable. She didn't go to sleep until 3 am and was up again at 5:30. I understand that she still doesn't feel 100% and all she needed were some snuggles and sympathy.... but I couldn't give her that. Instead I found myself throwing her things across the room. I yelled at her to shut up already. I yelled at DH because he was sleeping through the whole thing. I threatened to just drop her off at her Nana's and leave her there since apparently she'd slept great. I threatened to jump in my car and drive away and never come back. I confessed that I don't have it together at all. I actually said "I can't do this, I give up".

If I saw someone else behaving this way I'd think they were insane. One sleepless night out of a million results in a rampage?

I'm broken. I need help. I think I've needed help for a long time but I've been unwilling to admit it. I've had friends and family and doctors who ALL know of my history telling me that I've been doing so well! That motherhood was all I needed to drown out the negativity in my mind. They've said it so much that I started to believe them.

Well, I don't anymore. Last night was too much. I can't do this to my man, my daughter, or myself. I have an appointment tomorrow. 

I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm definitely not looking for judgement. I'm not even looking for responses. I just needed to vent to someone other than DH.

bunnybiter

Honestly, I think you overcame the biggest hurdle in making an appointment for yourself. Good on you.

Bridezookie

I've been where you are. It's scary to step back and see yourself acting that way. I'm so glad you've made an appointment. That will help tremendously, if you have a good practitioner. Sleep deprivation, even just for one night, is a big struggle.