intro & seperation anxiety

vsalt31

Hi, Ladies. 
let me introduce myself....My DH & I went into preterm labor last monday at 31 weeks, 1 day.  My water broke at work.  After an unsuccessful attempt at delaying labor, I delivered our son Henry via emergency c-section at 31wks, 3 days. 

Henry weighed a 3lbs, 11 oz.  16.5 inch long.  He's breathing on his own, had no signs of infection, he no longer has an IV.  He was under the bilirubin lamp for about 2 days, but was taken off yesterday.  He obviously has a feeding tube through his nose.  And, he continues to have bradys (although he recovers from them almost always on his own) and they are watching his blood oxygen level with a pulse ox.  Honestly, we know that things could be a lot worse, but it's still really hard.

I was discharged from the hospital today and it's been really overwhemingly emotional.  My DH has been great, same with my family and friends.  But, I can't seem to stop the waterworks.  I know that this feeling is totally normal & Henry will be under the best of care in the NICU, but I feel so intensely sad that I came home alone. 

Please give me any advice on how I can cope with these feelings.  I feel like a basketcase (which I know is normal), but any help/advice/thoughts would be so much appreciated. 

MommynTeacher

My little one weighed the same when she was born 14 weeks ago and now she has tripled her birth weight and is doing great. Your LO will get there! It just takes time...I always say that the hardest thing I ever did was walk out of the hopspital without her when I was discharged. Please know that it will eventually get easier and that your LO will be home with you soon. Nobody knows what this feels like unless they lived it but don't be afraid to share your feeling with your DH and if you feel like crying just let it out.

One day in the NICU, one of my favorite nurse saw how run down I was and I started telling her that I didn't feel like I was a mom yet because I couldn't take care of the baby. From that moment on all of the nurses got me as involved as I could be. This really helped me so if you want to- try talking to the nurses and seeing if you could help with the baby's care if he is stable. It didn't make me miss the baby any less when I was at home but I at least felt as though I was helping the baby.

Good luck with everything and be strong!

HJOHNSTON411

Hi,

My little guy weighed 3 lbs 12 ozs and was born at 35 weeks due to low fluid, IUGR, and pre-e.  In total, he spent 31 days in the NICU as a feeder grower.  He spent about four days under the bili light and was in an isolette for a week while he learned to regulate his own temperature.  After that, we were basically just waiting for him to master the suck, swallow, breathe and have the stamina to take full bottle feeds.   

Now at 8 months, he is a little 13.5 lb peanut, but he is WILD:)  He has no idea that he is tiny for his age and definitely makes up for his size with energy and personality.

I started having problems around 28 1/2 weeks, so I had almost 7 weeks to prepare myself for a c-section, for a probably NICU stay of some sort, etc. Having said that, leaving your child at the hospital feels painful and unnatural in every way possible.  My heart goes out to all Moms to have to experience that. 

It does get better though, I promise.  I honestly think we, as a culture, believe that it's always important to be strong and self pity is frowned upon etc.  In this situation though, I absolutely think it's okay - and almost necessary - to let yourself feel sad.  

NOBODY imagines this when they get pregnant.  In a sense, you are robbed of the perfect pregnancy, birth, and homecoming that you dream of and probably assume you'll have.  I think it's important to mourn that - it's okay to feel sad for yourself.  You need to be strong for your LO, but otherwise, nobody should expect you to be a hero right now.  

What helped me was setting a schedule because it gave me a focus.  It helped me measure my days and weeks out in little increments so that I had less time to feel overwhelmed.

I got up every morning, dressed, got Starbucks etc and headed to the NICU.  I treated it like my job, but that made me feel present and it made me feel like I was a part of his care.  Plus, the staff got to know me which made the NICU much less cold cand sterile feeling.  I focused a lot on pumping, too which certainly kept me busy.  

Lastly, I found that doing 'normal' pre-homecoming things made me feel baby.  I'd shop for clothes, finish the nursery, etc.  It gave the time a sense of normalcy. One of the best visits I had was when a friend brought me a sandwich to the hospital and some preemie onesies embroidered with his initials.  It just felt like such a 'normal' baby visit and gift, and it really made me happy.  Lean on the people who understand the situation and your needs like my friend did. 

Oh, one other thing.  In the first few weeks, people tried to 'babysit' me constantly.  Granted I was on pain medicine and couldn't drive, but after a few days it started to make me feel a little batty.  I think people thought that if they stayed with at all times, it would somehow make me feel better.  After a week, I finally told my husband and others to back off a little (in a much nicer way).  

I needed time to be alone.  It was exhausting being around friends and family who just wanted me to be okay.  I wanted to drive to the hospital and cry if a sad song came on, or talk to myself, or whatever.  That stuff is therapeutic, and I thin you have to give yourself the opportunity and space to feel it and then move forward.  If you find yourself in a similar position, I would urge you to be honest with people about what you need.  Everyone means well, but at the end of that day, you have to take care of yourself right now so you'll be ready to go when you bring your sweet LO home soon:)

GL!!!  

mrsV719

I remember exactly how you feel... and it was almost a year ago. No matter what anyone says or does... you are going to feel that way. You know intellectually that your feelings are irrational... but you can't help but feel them. Spend as much time as you can with your LO (but don't feel guilty when you aren't there). Make sure you ask to help out as much as possible. Change diapers, take temperature, ask a lot of questions, do as many feeds as you can (when you LO starts feeds). Remember, they are the drs. and nurses... but YOU are the mom. No one matters more than you and DH. Trust your mommy instinct... and give input. Call as many times as you want (I wasn't much of a caller... I wanted to SEE my baby... so I just tried to be there as much as possible and sometimes during a mid-night pump, I would call). I think I cried every day of the 82 days that LO was in... and then he was readmitted for severe reflux and I cried every day then too. Then when he came home... I cried... and now a year later... I still cry. 

The NICU is a roller coaster... there are so many ups and downs. But I can promise you one thing... your baby will come home. The nurses used to tell me "the Kindergarten bus doesn't pick up here... he will come home."

Use this site as a source. I NEVER would have made it without the support of the girls on here. There is nothing like talking about things with people who get it. Also, there is a blog that is put together by preemie mom bumpies with a lot of information in it. Here it is: https://www.preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/

I am sending lots of Ts and Ps for you, your LO, and your family.  

 

DrRx

I know how you feel, since I'm facing the same thing.  Thanks for posting this, since reading PP responses really helped me too.  I've been in the hospital since January 11, when I was admitted with pPROM at 22w6d.  I went into labor this past Friday at 26w1d due to an infection.  My baby was born weight 1 pound 12 ounces and 12 inches long.  She is doing very well for a micro-preemie, but I know that there will be good days and that there will be bad days. 

I'm not sure if all NICUs do this (ie, it's standard practice) but my daughter has set times that the nurses call "Hand On" time.  This is when they change diapers, clear hep-locks, wipe eyes and mouth, reposition her, and other routine things 4 times a day (every 6 hours).  DH and I make it a point to be down there during those times so that we can help with changing her diaper.  For me, it really allows me to have some bonding time with her. I have to be out of work for 8 weeks because of the c-section, and I plan to live my life around these "Hands On" times.  DH will be with me when he is off from work (he works a rotating schedule), but I'll be doing it. 

Also, around this time last night, she was acting kind of fussy, where here arms and legs were moving and her heart rate was elevated, and the nurse told us that we could comfort her by cupping her head and her feet (not rubbing) and just speak to her in a calm voice, since she does recognize our voices.   DH put his hand over her arm and midsection, and I cupped her around her head and feet, and we spoke softly to her.  It was absolutely AMAZING how she responded, since she started to calm down, and her heart rate dropped from the 180s down to the 150s.  It was the first "parenting" thing that we were able to do, and it was such an overwhelming and emotional experience.  We were no different than any other parent who soothes their newborn, and it really made things a little better for us.

lemen99

((hugs)))) it's really hard. T&P!

Dustilou

Hang in there! You are not alone trust me! just reading pp has helped me so thank you for posting, because I totally feel this right now! My twins were born at 36 weeks 2 days due to one growing faster than the other. But amazingly the smaller got to come home last thursday. But leaving my DD behind and taking her brother was worse than leaving them originally..well kind of. When I left for home leaving them that first night I went into shock! Thankfully my DH knew what to do and I honestly don't remember the crying stopping. But the ladies here are amazing, so lean on us!

A pp said to treat it like a job, and I agree! When both were still there I (and I'm not proud of this..I'm paying for it now..) stopped taking my RX for pain meds and opted for Advil, but like I said I would not do it. I packed my bag before anyone could stop me (mind you probably still in shock) and drove myself to the hospital. I just came back everyday before the 11 and 11:30am feeding and then took a lunch break after about 12:15, and then left at 3pm. I came home checked in with my older kids and checked homework. Ate dinner with the family and then my DH and I went back for the 8/8:30pm feedings and tucked them in and came home by 10pm. After my DS was released last thursday I have tried to keep the same schedule. There have been hiccups like a Doctor's appointment and a prior cheer engagement for my older DD. And yes when my schedule is messed with it upsets me, but I know I have to keep things close to "normal" for the rest of my children.

I also started to ask to do things like take temps and change diapers. I hold my DD when she feeds, and even when she had her tube I'd hold her.  Now the nurses let me bring my DS with me and they let me try to do everything. I change her and take her temp. And today they handed me the feedings and let me give them when she "qued" for them. But I had to ask to be involved and I do not regret it. 

It takes time and yes it is amazingly frustrating, but when you get to help it makes you feel better in a small way. Celebrate the small things! It has helped me a ton! Today we celebrated our 2 week birthday with my DD getting her feeding tube pulled, and our next celebration will be her passing her room air test or car seat test. I know it's silly, but it makes the nights without her easier in a small sort of way.

I'll be thinking of you T & P! Hang in there!

haziedaze

I'm a momma to another preemie named Henry! Congrats on your new arrival. Leaving Henry in the NICU each night was the worst part of him being premature. It's just so unnatural.

To help shine a light at the end of the tunnel- a little about my Henry. He was born at 29w4d at 3lbs7oz. He needed breathing support for a while, but then we were basically waiting for him to learn to eat and to grow. He came home 38 days later at 35 weeks corrected.

I remember getting up at night to pump and missing him so much. I told my husband over and over that I would give anything to be getting up with my baby instead of with the pump. Well he's now aout 14.5 lbs and is rolling over, smiling like crazy and starting to laugh. He also gets me up every 1.5-3hrs all night to nurse- so be careful what you wish for ).

Hang in there, take it one day at a time. Try to get as much skin to skin time in as possible- it's good for you both! He'll be home before you know it! ((HUGS))

sunshine610

You have gotten some great advice in this thread! These ladies are the best!

My LOs were also born at 31w3d, and DS was the same size as yours - 3lb 11oz, 16.5 inches long. Yesterday at his 6 month appointment he was 15lb and 27.5 inches long! 6 months ago when I was in your shoes, it was impossible to imagine this day, and you know what? That's okay. The NICU is a rough ride even if you have an uneventful stay because it feels so unnatural to not be caring for your own baby. It's okay to grieve that, and to just have to focus on putting one foot in front of the other until this time in your life is over. And it WILL be over, and as unbelievable as it sounds, the long days and nights in the NICU will start to be a distant memory replaced by all of the amazing things that are waiting for you when you bring your baby home. 

The only advice that I would add is to try to sort through the advice everyone is giving you and figure out what will work to make YOU feel better. I know some people camped out in the NICU - I couldn't do it. The first few weeks we went once at night for a few hours, and then when I had recovered more (was on strict bed rest for 75 days) I went a second time around lunch while DH was at work. For me, just walking in there was a struggle because I hated the hospital so much, so I survived by figuring out how to spend the time with them that I wanted but also not make myself crazy trying to be there all the time.

You will start to find a routine that works for you, and then just when it feels like it's starting to make you nuts, he'll be home So CONGRATS momma and hang in there, I know it is so hard now but there are wonderful things on the horizon.