This has really been bothering me...

Petunia844

When Peyton was born I had friends who were supposed to be coming to meet him just 2 short months from then, those friends still came, they came because they knew I needed them more then than I would have if he was home and healthy.  The visits may not have been fun, but they came because they knew I needed them.  There were only two people who were supposed to come meet our son who just canceled their trip entirely instead, my DH's parents.  It breaks my heart.  I just don't understand... your son just lost his first child, how can you not come comfort him?  Sure they talked on the phone, DH cried to them...but how could they not come?  The also went back to talking about "normal" things way too soon, about a week after Peyton died DH hung up the phone super annoyed because they didn't even talk about him at all.  Just talked about stupid things that he couldn't have cared less about.

It makes me super mad they didn't come out here.  They never even said a word to me, never asked DH to put me on the phone... how can I see them next time we see them and know that when our son died they didn't come out here, they never even said they were sorry to me.  Don't get me wrong I know they are hurting tremendously, I know that... but I'm just so hurt by their actions.  I don't know what to do.  I know it will make me so angry when they come out here to meet our rainbow baby, I will feel like they don't deserve that because they didn't come for Peyton.   

pandabearlover

Hugs.  I would be shocked if my IL's know tomorrow is Quincy's birthday. I just surround myself with those who understand.  And tolerate the rest.

krysiahamaty

Big hugs. I'm not going to pretend I know them or have an excuse for their behavior, but in my situation, when it came to people in my family who were in the older generations, they didn't talk about Jack. Or when they did (including my in laws) they said the wrong thing a lot.

Sorry you have to deal with it. I try to surround myself with the people who do talk about Jack and remember how memory.  

Carolee

That would bother me too.  I'm sorry your ILs haven't been more supportive...Peyton deserves better from them.  (((HUGS)))

foxxy1

*hugs*

Maybe they were in shock themselves and didn't know how to act? Maybe they were oblivious? If it really bothers you, you should talk to them about it but approach it in a gentle manner so you don't come off as confrontational. It could be like, 'It really bothered me when you didn't come see us after Peyton passed and it hurt a lot." They probably don't know what they did affected you and DH as much as it did.

pb127

big (((hugs)))  I know it hurts so, so much, you'll know the best thing to do for you and your own family when the time comes.

I don't understand why some people act the way they do in loss/painful situations (you know, when it really counts).

weddedwife

I know how confusing this is. My IL's also have not said anything to me, and we see them several times a week! My MIL watches DD for a couple hours a week, and she had her own loss at around 5 or 6 mos. pregnant, but doesn't talk about that w/ me either. I don't get it. I think they are afraid to mention it for fear of upsetting me but I've started to bring it up a few times w/ MIL and she just doesn't follow my lead. I've just kind of accepted it, maybe because we are forced to see them so often and I don't want to be confrontational.

I really think it's a personality thing. I've had older people say really nice things to me so I know it's not a "generational" thing. I think some people just lack social skills in some areas, I dunno.

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry. Maybe this is also a feeling that will fade with time. I can understand your hurt though; I would feel hurt too.

Mjmksb04

That is crazy that they didn't come out to see you at aIl.  I would guess that they just didn't know how to react and didn't know if you wanted their support, not that it makes it better at all. I am sorry.

lizzythom9106

That is awful. I am so sorry.

Heather91705

I agree with you, that is odd.  I can't imagine any parent not wanting to be with their child as they go through this kind of loss.  At the same time, I feel most people (not my family) have truly avoided the topic all together and will talk about ANYTHING else because they truly don't know what to say, so they figure saying nothing is better than saying something wrong.  I have lost some friendships over this because to me, you have to take the good with the bad in relationships and avoiding the issue is so much more hurtful than discussing it.  Many people can't understand that till they have gone through a major tragedy like this.  I'm sorry you and DH are hurting, it's tough to face them now, but they are the ones that should feel ridiculous for their actions.  They are adults, as are you, and they whould understand the situation a bit better than that.  hang in there...

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