Baby not born and already battling custody issues with ex

sonja1403

So my ex "claims" he spoke with an attorney and they will seek full custody of our  child when it's born, (apparently doing it that way we will get split custody).  He is going to go after getting the baby 7 days, then me 7 days, which we will have to bounch back/forth every week and live 2 hours away, until it's ready for school then he plans to go for having the child go to school near him and ME getting weekends/holidays, etc.

Has anyone heard of this?  I mean, he is legally the father and I do want the child to grow up knowing his father.  He also said they will take both of our incomes into account and we will have to split everything (he makes more than I do by @ $25000) I will have to split daycare with him when the baby is with him, and vice versa... He's telling me daycare for a newborn is over $100 a day... That I haven't researched yet... I'm living in PA and he's in WV...  He said too that if my family watches the child (which I planned to possible do), I will still have to pay daycare when the child is with him during the week...

I'm trying not to stress over this, but I'm getting sick over it now... I didn't think it would come down to this, and even wanted us to work things out still... Our 'issue' is I do not want to move to his state, so therefore, he is going to use an attorney to make me miserable and not be able to afford the baby...  One thing for sure, I can't even afford an attorney...   Oh, and he's been seeing a doctor now because of depression over this and anger and was 'advised' best to stay away from me for a while... One of the reasons we also aren't together and I've had a change of heart when I decided I didn't think I'd want to move is he has anger issues... 

Not sure what I should do, but I don't mine weekends/holidays the child going with him, but seriously 7 days with him, then the next 7 days with me??? I don't want this child to go through that. I want it to have a more stable 'permanent' home, with seeing him when it's right.

 

sonja1403

sonja1403:

So my ex "claims" he spoke with an attorney and they will seek full custody of our  child when it's born, (apparently doing it that way we will get split custody).  He is going to go after getting the baby 7 days, then me 7 days, which we will have to bounch back/forth every week and live 2 hours away, until it's ready for school then he plans to go for having the child go to school near him and ME getting weekends/holidays, etc.

Has anyone heard of this?  I mean, he is legally the father and I do want the child to grow up knowing his father.  He also said they will take both of our incomes into account and we will have to split everything (he makes more than I do by @ $25000) I will have to split daycare with him when the baby is with him, and vice versa... He's telling me daycare for a newborn is over $100 a day... That I haven't researched yet... I'm living in PA and he's in WV...  He said too that if my family watches the child (which I planned to possible do), I will still have to pay daycare when the child is with him during the week...

I'm trying not to stress over this, but I'm getting sick over it now... I didn't think it would come down to this, and even wanted us to work things out still... Our 'issue' is I do not want to move to his state, so therefore, he is going to use an attorney to make me miserable and not be able to afford the baby...  One thing for sure, I can't even afford an attorney...   Oh, and he's been seeing a doctor now because of depression over this and anger and was 'advised' best to stay away from me for a while... One of the reasons we also aren't together and I've had a change of heart when I decided I didn't think I'd want to move is he has anger issues... 

Not sure what I should do, but I don't mine weekends/holidays the child going with him, but seriously 7 days with him, then the next 7 days with me??? I don't want this child to go through that. I want it to have a more stable 'permanent' home, with seeing him when it's right.

If I might add, when I referred to him as my ex, I meant boyfriend, we were never married...

sonja1403

Forgot to mention initially he's an ex boyfriend, we were never married...

 

kmartinez80

Stop communicating with him. You don't have to deal with this drama now. Your ex is not a lawyer and his lawyer is only looking out for him. Stop listening to him; he's just trying to get to you. Start putting money aside so that you can get a lawyer if he does file for custody/visitation. See if you qualify for legal aid. Do not put his name on the BC, make him file for visitation and establish paternity. 

CFjo2010

kmartinez80:

Stop communicating with him. You don't have to deal with this drama now. Your ex is not a lawyer and his lawyer is only looking out for him. Stop listening to him; he's just trying to get to you. Start putting money aside so that you can get a lawyer if he does file for custody/visitation. See if you qualify for legal aid. Do not put his name on the BC, make him file for visitation and establish paternity. 

^^ Ditto. As of right now now, the State you live in has jurisdiction of you and the baby.  He'll have to come to YOU to do anything regarding custody and visitation. So until the baby is born, ignore him. Go ahead and keep him in the loop (in writing) regarding how the pregnancy is progressing (this will look really good on your part whenever you do end up going to Court) and advise him when you go into labor and deliver. After the baby is born, contact your State's child support agency and get the ball rolling on that.

Realistically, a newborn cannot be going back and forth and spend that much time away from you. Especially if you're breast feeding. Your ex is blowing smoke and trying to scare you. Get as much info as you can regarding his anger management classes, depression, meds, etc, and document EVERYTHING.

Good luck and please try to not allow this butthead to stress you out. 

FyreFlyeRush

What both pp said. Almost all men do this. I've yet to see one actually file an get what they want. And, there's no way a judge is going to grant joint custody of a newborn. Doubtful he'll even get visitation more than once a month of he lives out of state. 

As far as daycare, you need to be researching it now...most have waiting lists. The cost I'll be paying is 210/week, and there is a waiting list, but not for August.

DHYGchica3

With daycare- if he's even lucky enough to get enough visitation to need daycare, since you will have joint legal custody YOU have to agree to it, if you don't agree the burden of all the cost falls on him, and he can't do a damn thing.

It goes the same way (outside of CS) if you want your LO to start an activity that your x doesn't want Lo to participate in, he doesn't have to pay anything.

Also if you or your x is unhappy with a decision you made you/he can be taken to court to appeal the decision.

I want DS to go to an $$ prep school. I know x will say no just to not have to pay half.

 

preggersin2011

Depending upon your state laws, if you aren't legally married he cannot be on the birth certificate until paternity is established. I wouldn't stress about it now. Also if you plan on BFing they are laws that prevent you from being separated more than 2 hours until a certain age of the child. With custodial custody, whomever the child lives with the other parent pays support. When the amount of child support is established, if one person if filing for sole custody or someone is asking for visitation rights etc, both parties have to lay their finances on the line. How much they spend per month on the child, their tax returns, pay stubs, medical expenses etc. 

I would simply ignore him for now. What he says and what he will do are probably two completely different things. As with daycare, many of them do not allow part time status. So you would have to pay two full time tuitions if your LO goes to two different day cares.  My LO's father was there for the birth, and came by all the time until I went to work. Now that LO is in day care he comes over for an hour on Sundays.  

monpetitechouchou01

Someone mentioned keeping the father in the loop about the pregnancy (appointments etc)... I've heard otherwise... can someone fill me in? I've asked before and have gotten more "You don't need to keep in contact with him until the baby is born" scenarios. I'd prefer it this way too but I don't want to have this bite me in the butt when we go to court so that i don't look like I've been uncooperative. Can anyone give some input on this?

CFjo2010

Speaking from a legal standpoint, if you deliberately withhold information regarding Dr appointments it can and most likely will be argued that you were being uncooperative and alienating the father. However, if he never asks you about appointments then he can't argu that you deliberately kept him out of the loop. Same goes on his end though. If you offer up appointment info and he doesn't show, you can easily argue in Court later that he didn't care to be a part of the pregnancy.

Regardless of if you were married or not, you now have to deal with this man for the next 18 years. You will be in and out of Court during those years for various things. It's important to appear (at least to the Judge) as cooperative and willing to co-parent as possible. Because truthfully, there are a lot of Judges who are sympathetic to fathers and you don't want to give them any ammo against you. 

mdotm0904

agree with PP's, stop listening to him! At this point, stop communicating with him & just try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. If you WANT to, email him after every appointment to give updates on the baby, but from what I understand, you don't even have to do that (he has NO rights until the baby is born!)

No judge in their right mind is going to separate a newborn from their primary caretaker (which at first is automatically going to be you because the baby is going home with you when you leave the hospital). (not going to say it can't happen because a judge can do whatever the helll they want, I'm just saying I've never seen it happen.)

In my state, the father has to be present in the hospital to sign the Affidavit of Paternity in order to even be put on the birth certificate. So simple solution, DONT HAVE HIM SIGN IT IN THE HOSPITAL! LO becomes "yours" until HE goes to court to file for paternity/visitation/custody. 

Once the baby is born, you file for child support (they may even establish paternity before the court does depending on how fast they move).

I know it's stressful to have to think about court when you're pregnant. my ex-bf did the same thing to me & I allowed him to steal a lot of my joy. But now that our daughter is 5 months old & I've been dealing with his constant mind games, I'm glad he started court proceedings, I now see that COURT ORDERS PROTECT EVERYONE! 

Get thee to a lawyer STAT! There are plenty who offer free consultations, they can inform you of the exact laws of your state & make sure you know what your rights are & what his rights are. Trust me, it'll give you a peace of mind before the baby gets here. But in the meantime, save up as much as possible in case you can't qualify for legal aid.  

covertxxamour

I can tell you, I've spoken with a lawyer, and in PA (I live in PA too), especially when the child is so young, they are most likely going to get 2-3 hours a week, SUPERVISED. I'm not a lawyer, and neither is your ex! Don't listen to him, because he's only trying to get to you, and it's working.

You are the child's mother, and unless you prove to be unfit, the child will be in your hands the majority of the time. As the child gets older, the father will get more visits, but 7 days on, and 7 days off I can almost guarantee will NOT happen.

Contact an attorney. Just FYI, most will accept payments! This is what I'm doing currently, because I definitely can't afford $250/hr. Where in PA do you live? If by some stretch of the imagination you live close to me, I will give you the name of a few good ones.

patriciahomol

agreed with PP

dont but his name on the birth certificate

and start saving in case you require a lawyer later on.

 

 

and id just ignore him as much as you can!  

intdesigner925

Good golly jeepers is your ex my ex? What is it with males and thinking they can take a newborn/infant for an extensive amount of time like that. especially when you are the main care taker. My ex boyfriend keeps talking about taking our daughter ( she is a month old) for two weeks!!!! 2 weeks!!!! Yeah I dont think so, my hearing is in March thank God! Im so sick of his nonsense. I would do like the others said and seek legal aide.

lauragetsfit

FyreFlyeRush:

What both pp said. Almost all men do this. I've yet to see one actually file an get what they want. And, there's no way a judge is going to grant joint custody of a newborn. Doubtful he'll even get visitation more than once a month of he lives out of state. 

As far as daycare, you need to be researching it now...most have waiting lists. The cost I'll be paying is 210/week, and there is a waiting list, but not for August.

I'm going through something similar to the woman who posted this original entry. I really needed to hear what you said. Thank you My ex keeps telling me that he's gonna get over nights and demanding all types of things...my son isn't even born yet and my ex lives 85 miles away. I'm hoping a judge wouldn't grant him to take my newborn 85 miles away from me

ljandrews22

My BD tried this ploy to get me to have an abortion.  It really sounds like smoke up the you know what...relax and for now take his words with a grain of salt.