not post pardum, but definitely depression
I don't really know anywhere else to post, or who, or where to look for advice. I'm in my first trimester, and so far from overjoyed that it's scary. Please don't judge me too harshly. I'm hoping this is a safe place. I have moments of pure bliss. But they're just that: moments. Much of the time I either refuse to believe it's real, or just wish it weren't. I feel like a terrible person for not being happier about creating a new life. I've always wanted a family, but I've never wanted to actually have a child. I was pro adoption all the way.
I had been on BC pills for 12 years, and went off them back in February of 2011. My sex life with my husband is minimal (he's severely, chronicly depressed and has no drive), and I no longer felt the need to continue on with taking them. We were using condoms the few times we had sex. Except, obviously, the last time. To my horror, I got pregnant. I'm a supporter of a woman's right to choose, but I myself could never bring myself to do so. I find myself secretly hoping that my NT scans or bloodwork will show something terribly wrong, so I can end this without guilt. That thought alone makes me ill.. that I would wish something like this so I wouldn't feel bad about ending it.
I haven't told many people I'm expecting. I've told my DH, my mother, and 3 close girlfriends. However, my mother told my father, who told my grandmother who told an aunt, and my aunt decided to tell the entire family the other night at a funeral. My DH told his entire family. I feel like I'm walking around in limbo, and everyone is so happy and excited. I can barely smile. Someone please tell me this is hormones? I have suffered from depression in the past, but not in 14 years. I know I should probably find help now, but I'm so ashamed of how I honestly feel that I don't know if I could stomach someone seeing me admit this. I feel so selfish.
Thanks for "listening" I really just needed it out there.
Re: not post pardum, but definitely depression
It sounds like you and your husband need therapy separately. Open up to your therapist. Say how you feel. It's the only way you can get to the root of all of it. I was very disassociated during my pregnancy. It was a surprise. I never wanted a child
It took a while to feel truly connected with her.
She is my heart. You will feel differently once your baby is in your arms.
This is me in a nutshell. Thank you for your reassuring remarks. I hope I can make it to the day where I hold a child in my arms.
This LO was a surprise for me as well. I had some serious diassociation during the PG. And now with her here, and her helth issues I am dealing with PPD and still sometimes feel detatched from the situation.
Dont get me wrong, i love her, I love cuddling her. But occationally i wonder when I will wake up from this wierd dream still.
Some of what you are feeling is hormonal. But as a PP said, talk to your therapist. Talking through the feelings will help tememdously.