etiquette?

Harkalson

I'm not far along, but I'm trying to start thinking about my leave from work (I work on grant cycles, and we have to plan way in advance for this stuff). I'll have almost 3 months paid, and then I'm eligible for 12 weeks FMLA. Problem is, FMLA is unpaid, and I'm worried about being able to pay bills. But I intend on breastfeeding, and I'd like to have as much time at home as possible.

My question is, would it be rude if we asked in baby shower invitations that people consider giving us grocery/gas gift cards or cash to enable me to stay home longer?

byrne15

yes...it is rude to ask for only a certain type of gift.

sometimesalwayschaotic

I would definitely find that rude.  I think that your best bet is to create a strict budget now and stick with it.  Live off only your So's pay and then put away every penny of yours that you can.  I would look into Dave Ramsey.  He has a lot of helpful advice on budgeting.

hterry85

First, you use your paid time off during your FMLA. All FMLA does is guarantee you a job when you return.

And do not ask for gas/grocery gift cards at your baby shower. Its for getting things for the baby, not getting things so you can stay home longer. Don't take off more time that you can afford.

morethancottoncandy

To answer your question, yes, that is extremely rude and tacky and I seriously doubt your baby shower hostess would agree to putting that on an invitation.  It's your job as a parent to financially support your baby, not anyone elses.

hmp1

It is always rude to ask for cash. Tell your mom and and host that you really want gift cards so that is what they can suggest if someone asks, but still complete a registry for other items you need.  I registered at Target and Amazon. Half of our gifts were gift cards to Target or cash.

Meg_Meg

ChancieMark:

Yes I would consider that a little pushy just because they are coming soley to bring you a gift for the baby. Shower etiquette is tricky.

However, you could ask whoever throws your party to verbally pass along that information should anyone ask what you need.

ETA: With my first I did a lot of buying a pack of diapers or a can of formula every payday in the nine months before my due date to save money while on leave. Maybe you could buy these gift cards or gas cards yourself....if they are the reloadable kind just add a little every paycheck.

 

This.

 

And my understanding of FMLA is that is starts when disability ends.  For me, I get 6 -8 weeks of paid disability (based on vag birth of CS) and then 12 weeks of FMLA.  6 of that is paid for me.

gingerfamily

A. Your PTO and FMLA run together, not one then the other.  You'll get 12 weeks, period.  Not 24. 

B. Yes, it's tacky. 

C. Would you rather gas gift cards then IDK a car seat?  Bedding?  Bottles? 

Sovello

I probably wouldn't even attend such a "shower." The point of a baby shower is to squee over cute baby things, the magic is sort of lost when you turn it into a charity event.

Maybe "Gas Showers" would be something you could do for a new car

hmp1

Maybe you are just wording your FMLA time off wrong. My company pays 12 weeks and then we can take up to 14 additional weeks unpaid. The way it is worded in our handbook is 26 weeks of parental leave.

Harkalson

Sorry I seem to have offended some of you with my question, but I guess that's why I asked.   

I've already reviewed the FMLA/PTO leave policies with my HR department, so I don't really need a review of that, but thanks.

kategw

Yes.

beckslea

If you can't afford to take such a long leave, don't.  It's not your friends and family's responsibility to subsidize your mat leave.

And your employer should allow you to pump milk for your baby when you return until LO is a year old.  Talk to HR about that too. 

BeerBeck

Harkalson:

Sorry I seem to have offended some of you with my question, but I guess that's why I asked.   

I've already reviewed the FMLA/PTO leave policies with my HR department, so I don't really need a review of that, but thanks.

I don't think you offended anyone here by asking, but they are saying that they would be offended if invited to such a "shower".

Personally, I have never really understood most of the 'OMG, she did what?' hype over some of the questions surrounding showers that are asked on TB but, this one, is a whole other story!  To ask for gas cards is over-the-top.  If you truly want giftcards, it is one thing to make mention on a registry and/or have your host make mention if someone asks, but to specifically tell someone what they are to purchase for you is a bit much.

EastCoastBride

Harkalson:

I've already reviewed the FMLA/PTO leave policies with my HR department, so I don't really need a review of that, but thanks.

You don't need to be snarky (which is how this reads).  I had the same reaction as everyone else who mentioned it.  It's the rare company thats going to let you take 12 weeks leave using PTO and THEN let you take another "using" FMLA (which again, isn't actual LEAVE.  It's only job protection.)

If your company does, great.  You're very lucky.  But honestly- be doubly certain that this is what they allow you to do, because technically, if you aren't "using" your FMLA for the first 12 weeks, they could actually fire you if they had cause to. 

judahsmommy1

I agree that it would be rude to ask for gift cards. But telling your mom, best friend, or the host of the shower about the situation might mean that they can spread that information by word of mouth if they are asked about what you actually need. Depending on who is throwing your shower, and who will be attending, just be aware that it might not turn out the way you're expecting. My H lost his job right before we found out we were pregnant. We were relying on our shower to help us get the things we were really needing. We didn't register for clothing, but still wound up with 95% of the gifts being things we didn't register for. (My H's cousin brought a bag full of wrong season - dirty, old looking baby clothes... *eye roll*) Luckily, my work also threw me a shower and those women were AMAZING! Every single one of them bought off my registry and focused on the things we were going to need when baby arrived. I disagree with the statement that a baby shower is an opportunity to coo over baby items. The purpose of a baby shower is to give the mom things she will need once baby arrives.

pinkpepsi

hheyderh:

I would definitely find that rude.  I think that your best bet is to create a strict budget now and stick with it.  Live off only your So's pay and then put away every penny of yours that you can.  I would look into Dave Ramsey.  He has a lot of helpful advice on budgeting.

This. It sounds extremely rude to me and If someone asked me to get them a certain thing, especially not baby related I would probably honestly get them nothing and not go. You can budget the money it's part of being a mom.

downwardsunshine

Yep it's rude BUT if these people are family/and or close friends it really shouldn't matter. I would think close friends and family would be understanding of your situation. 

hterry85

downwardsunshine:

Yep it's rude BUT if these people are family/and or close friends it really shouldn't matter. I would think close friends and family would be understanding of your situation. 

I might be understanding of a friend/family member who got 6 weeks UNpaid (but even then, you've got 9 months to budget). I would have zero sympathy for someone of got 3 months paid and then wanted to take more unpaid.

jdsummerbaby

yes, it is rude to ask for certain gifts.

EastCoastBride

hterry85:

downwardsunshine:

Yep it's rude BUT if these people are family/and or close friends it really shouldn't matter. I would think close friends and family would be understanding of your situation. 

I might be understanding of a friend/family member who got 6 weeks UNpaid (but even then, you've got 9 months to budget). I would have zero sympathy for someone of got 3 months paid and then wanted to take more unpaid.

This.  Wanting to take an additional 3 months isn't a hardship that I'm going to be willing to fork over $$ for.

allisonmarie22

Harkalson:

My question is, would it be rude if we asked in baby shower invitations that people consider giving us grocery/gas gift cards or cash to enable me to stay home longer?

Hold on a second....so, you want to ask people for gas cards and grocery money at your baby shower??

 Here is my answer....

Buahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!  *deep breath*  Buahahahahahahahahahah!!!  

Sorry, but I'm poor myself and I would never dream of doing that.  There's a line between hard up for cash and just flat out ghettofabulous.  You may not be able to see that line because you're so far past it, but I promise you it's there.

MamaNikita

if you are hoping for sort of a "gift that keeps on giving" type of gift, register at diapers.com or something and actually register for diapers and that sort of stuff maybe (though you may end up preferring a different brand and be stuck with what you have).  and try not to register for things that just look cute that you think you'll need but may never use.  go with a friend who's recently had a baby when you register.   maybe if you have a limited registry people will get you gift cards because the good gifts are gone?  

but i do think your best bet would be to start a savings now.  i started a savings from the time i was TTC for maternity leave and had about $3,000 in it by the time i was off work.  i stayed out for six months.

Randa&Jerm

hheyderh:

I would definitely find that rude.  I think that your best bet is to create a strict budget now and stick with it.  Live off only your So's pay and then put away every penny of yours that you can.  I would look into Dave Ramsey.  He has a lot of helpful advice on budgeting.

This 100%.

AvidVertigo

I'll be honest, I had to take most of my leave unpaid.  I had 10 days sick leave and 2 weeks of vacation, the rest was unpaid.  I ended up taking 8 weeks total, 6 weeks of FMLA and my vacation time.

I started off saving money each week, enough for gas, groceries, and other things I would want to do like go visit my parents out of town.  I was completely out of money when I needed to go back to work, but it worked for me AND I honestly didn't start saving until about 3-4 months before I had my baby.

I wouldn't ask for gift cards or gas cards though for your baby shower.

Best of luck

beedawn

How about instead of asking for people to give you gift cards in order for you to pay your bills/eat after baby gets here, you start saving your money!!

Mrs.G123

Yes, it would be rude. And hella tacky.

Molissa10

Harkalson:

I'm not far along, but I'm trying to start thinking about my leave from work (I work on grant cycles, and we have to plan way in advance for this stuff). I'll have almost 3 months paid, and then I'm eligible for 12 weeks FMLA. Problem is, FMLA is unpaid, and I'm worried about being able to pay bills. But I intend on breastfeeding, and I'd like to have as much time at home as possible.

My question is, would it be rude if we asked in baby shower invitations that people consider giving us grocery/gas gift cards or cash to enable me to stay home longer?

 

I suggest being a bit more vague. Chose a Super Walmart or Target that has a grocery section.  Start a registry and in your shower invitations hint to the fact that you will gladly accept Target/Walmart gift cards.  This way you can get gifts and gift cards.  Plus if there are gifts that you want to return, you can return them and buy groceries or other household necessities.

downwardsunshine

hterry85:

downwardsunshine:

Yep it's rude BUT if these people are family/and or close friends it really shouldn't matter. I would think close friends and family would be understanding of your situation. 

I might be understanding of a friend/family member who got 6 weeks UNpaid (but even then, you've got 9 months to budget). I would have zero sympathy for someone of got 3 months paid and then wanted to take more unpaid.

 

Okay I just skimmed,  4 months?! ... no that's excessive. Sorry OP. I'm self employed and wondering how I am going to pull off TWO WEEKS away from the stores much less 18...

Tash13

I am not having a shower, or asking for gifts, but I told my mom that if any of the immediate family members want to get us something we'll really need/use I'd love a grocery delivery service for a couple of weeks or a house cleaner a couple of times in the first few weeks.  We don't need any baby items and those things would really make a big difference.  I even told my mom that chipping in for a doula would be amazing.  We'll see what happens but I'd never say anything like that to anybody that's not immediate family unless they specifically asked me what I could really use. 

blowfish11

Ambsies:

Harkalson:

My question is, would it be rude if we asked in baby shower invitations that people consider giving us grocery/gas gift cards or cash to enable me to stay home longer?

Yes, absolutely.  If you want to create a registry and point people in a certain direction that's one thing.  But asking for gas cards and grocery cards is tacky IMO.

Agreed. And if one of my friends invited me to her shower asking for gas/grocery cards, I'd think twice about going at all.

Ladiebug710

Yes.  The shower gifts are generally gifts for the baby.

ARIES326

I don't care how tacky people would think it is.  If its what I want I'd put it on the invite.  I'd explain why and hope they understand.  The people that think it's tacky will likely give you whatever they want to give you anyway.  People that know you and understand you will probably give you what you want.  Register for some stuff you really do want and note the registry that you really prefer and would appreciate your gas/grocery cards.  You might get both from people! 

**PS I accidentally created a registry on BRU and since I couldn't delete it, I put that I only want gift cards.  I really only wanted a wish list for myself as I don't really want a shower at all.  I hate going to them, so would rather skip the whole deal. But I can see myself telling people I only want GC's... LOL!**

morethancottoncandy

ARIES326:

I don't care how tacky people would think it is.  If its what I want I'd put it on the invite.  I'd explain why and hope they understand.  The people that think it's tacky will likely give you whatever they want to give you anyway.  People that know you and understand you will probably give you what you want.  Register for some stuff you really do want and note the registry that you really prefer and would appreciate your gas/grocery cards.  You might get both from people! 

**PS I accidentally created a registry on BRU and since I couldn't delete it, I put that I only want gift cards.  I really only wanted a wish list for myself as I don't really want a shower at all.  I hate going to them, so would rather skip the whole deal. But I can see myself telling people I only want GC's... LOL!**

EmsyK

Wow, maybe some constructive criticism would help her out here.  I've just read the comments here and some are helpful but most of you ladies seem really bitchy.  She was asking on the boards here to get info.  Maybe if you just say that most people would find it rude and it's probably not the best idea, that would be more helpful.  God, you would think she is some monster with some of those responses. 

I know nothing about maternity leave here as i'm not a US citizen and am here with my DH for 2 years as he was offered a great job opportunity.  I will not be working once my baby arrives as we can afford it and also my work authorisation would be running out anyhow.  I'll be hoping to go home for an extended break over Xmas to my family anyway.  From another perspective, i don't think it's mental to want as much time as possible with your new baby. 

I have realised that since being in the USA, that in Europe we have way better maternity leave time from work (generally 6 months, mostly paid) and i think most of you just seem pissed off that you have to go back to work so soon (i wouldn't blame you) but don't take it out on beedawn that this is something she would also like.  Also please don't start attacking me on the in europe thing we get way better maternity leave, as i'm just saying that i think you are given a raw deal here with that issue.

Good luck Beedawn and just be careful with what way you go about things for your Babyshower.  (We actually don't have Babyshowers in Europe FYI).

beedawn

EmsyK:

Wow, maybe some constructive criticism would help her out here.  I've just read the comments here and some are helpful but most of you ladies seem really bitchy.  She was asking on the boards here to get info.  Maybe if you just say that most people would find it rude and it's probably not the best idea, that would be more helpful.  God, you would think she is some monster with some of those responses. 

I know nothing about maternity leave here as i'm not a US citizen and am here with my DH for 2 years as he was offered a great job opportunity.  I will not be working once my baby arrives as we can afford it and also my work authorisation would be running out anyhow.  I'll be hoping to go home for an extended break over Xmas to my family anyway.  From another perspective, i don't think it's mental to want as much time as possible with your new baby. 

I have realised that since being in the USA, that in Europe we have way better maternity leave time from work (generally 6 months, mostly paid) and i think most of you just seem pissed off that you have to go back to work so soon (i wouldn't blame you) but don't take it out on beedawn that this is something she would also like.  Also please don't start attacking me on the in europe thing we get way better maternity leave, as i'm just saying that i think you are given a raw deal here with that issue.

Good luck Beedawn and just be careful with what way you go about things for your Babyshower.  (We actually don't have Babyshowers in Europe FYI).

Here's an idea, when you are using someone's name, use the right one . I was not the one to write this post. 

EmsyK

Oh God, so sorry.  Better go and slap myself for a simple mistake.  Your just proving my point about being so critical.

 

morethancottoncandy

EmsyK:

Oh God, so sorry.  Better go and slap myself for a simple mistake.  Your just proving my point about being so critical.

 

If you think that's critical, this might not be the place for you.  Maybe babygaga.com would suit you better.