Turn off the TV and play with your kid!
acia
member
Not you - my DH....
So here's the issue: DD is up at 5:30am most mornings. I'm the one up with her about 5 days a week (I'm a SAHM) and DH will sleep until 7:30 or so, but a couple times a week I'll request a "sleep in" from DH, thinking it'll be good for everyone.
The problem is that all they do on their mornings together is sit on the couch and watch TV for a couple hours. DH will turn on a movie or recorded shows, and nap on the couch with DD while she watches.
Needless to say, this is driving me nuts. I'm grateful DH is letting me have a couple mornings to rest, but neither of them is getting anything out of it, and I really don't think that much TV is good for DD. I do let DD watch TV, but I save it for moments of desperation, or if I
need to make a phone call or make dinner and she's being clingy, or as
something special to do. I certainly don't let her watch more than 20
minutes or so at a time.... And the sad thing is that I know DD would love to color or do playdough or crafts or something with DH, but she tells me that "daddy doesn't like to do that." DH is gone 10-11 hours a day so her really doesn't get much time with her - it seems like such a waste he spends that time sitting in front of the TV.
I get that he's tired in the mornings - I am too - but parenting isn't always easy. Hell, my job as a SAHM would be pretty cushy if I could just put her in front of the TV all day! But I try to do things with her that are good for her, that help her development, that she enjoys, etc. Trust me, most mornings I'd much rather be sitting on the couch half asleep, but that just doesn't feel right.
I've mentioned this issue to DH in the past, but he gets so defensive and I don't want him to think I'm not grateful for the sleep... Talking to him about anything that could potentially come across as a "critique" of his parenting doesn't usually go over well, even though I try to approach it gently and kindly.
Anyone else been in this situation? Any advice on how to talk to him or deal with the situation? Or should I just suck it up and be happy he's letting me have some sleep?
Re: Turn off the TV and play with your kid!
Used to drive me crazy, to- but I don't get sleep in days. My issue is DH takes the kids to the basement some evenings after dinner for me to catch a break. We have a great gym/therapeutic area built with swings and climbing stuff but he goes to his workshop and barks at them from there if they squabble and doesn't play. But the kids get lots of Daddy time on the weekends. It drives me bonkers but I finally got to the point that the functioning of the full family unit requires that I have this time and that I'm not b!tching at him all the time and that I don't ruin my first alone time seething at him. Here are my thoughts for you.
1. Maybe let go and let him be an autonomous parent. 5:30 IS early. I'm not saying parenting is/should be cushy- I had 3 under 2 and I know it is hard as hell sometimes, but I have realized it's unfair to hold him to my standards. If I went into his office and was expected to do his job, I wouldn't make it 30 minutes. Not even 5 if I had to do it at 5:30.
2. Don't grill your daughter about "did daddy do this with you? wouldn't you rather do ___ with Daddy?"
3. Speak with him and ask him gently and not judgmentally not to tell DD that he doesn't like the activities that she enjoys- you don't want her to stop doing things she likes because they must not be cool, if Daddy doesn't like them. Or even more dramatically- I like play doh. Daddy dislikes play dhoh. Daddy dislikes me when I want to do play doh.
4. Sleep train your daughter to sleep in to a more family friendly time. My DS was up at 4:30 on the dot for over a year and I got the OK to wake clock and after a few days he sleeping til 5, a few more days, 5:15. His clock is now set til 6:10 and we don't hear from him until then now.
I hear you. I am proud of what I've done/do with my kids. I believe my hard work is a big part of why they are happy, polite, bright. My husband drives me bonkers to the point that I never asked him to watch the kids b/c I thought he sucked at it. I really do hear you but I think you might be happier if you are able to view it differently.
what do you do with your dd when you get up at 5:30am with her?
I agree with the other poster - 5:30 is early...if my girls were up at that time we would be watching tv, or maybe just cuddling in bed with some books...at least until 6:30 or so.....I am NOT a morning person....so long as he turns the tv off and does breakfast with her during his "on" morning I think its fine...maybe save the playdough/crafts for the weekend...but I don't think he should be napping while she's just sitting there watching her shows..he could at least ask her the occassional question...and for safety's sake an adult should be awake supervising her while she's up...(imo...just knowing what my 2 can accomplish while they are unsupervised for the 30 seconds it can take me to pee)
every weekend we let the girls watch 20-30 min first thing in the am while dh and I fumble around to make breakfast and put the coffee on...
My DH does this too. A couple of hours of TV a few days a week won't kill your child, you know this right? At 5:30am I wouldn't want to be up either and I know my DH is barely functional at that hour so whatever gets the kid to be calm until I get up and can make breakfast and get our day started I am okay with. She spends 10 hours a day 5 days a week in a no tv environment so I am not worried about her development (in fact she's very bright and advanced for her age both in emotionally and speech). I think you need to take it down a notch I think.
OR you could just suck it up and wake up with her at 5:30am and play with her and stop whining about the way your DH parents. You know, if you don't like the way he's doing it, do it yourself. So much easier than making a mountain out of a mole hill. I mean is sleep really that much more important to you than your daughter? It sounds like it to me...
I'm with everyone else.
Sleep train your LO to sleep a little later - regular 5:30 am wake up is a little nuts for her and you and your DH.
I don't think a little cuddling while watching TV and having some cheerios will do your LO any long term damage. If your DH is otherwise involved and engaged w/ her generally (not every day, every moment he's home) but that he does play with her on a regular basis, I think its nbd and I would rather get some sleep than fight that battle.
Heck - we watch Dora and Diego most weekend mornings for an hour (sometimes 2?) while we have breakfast, I do some housework, relax, catch up on mail, fold laundry, etc. I play w/ DD intermittently while I'm doing this too, but not the whole time.
Like PP said, if he's not very interactive that's not really a good thing but we are no stranger to TV in our house and I am not super strict about it. I honestly dont think watching TV will do much damage, even if its a couple hours a day. Being in a rainy/cold climate doesnt help either. But we DO make sure to incorporate other activities into our day (train table play, throwing the ball, Matchbox cars and outdoor play if its nice enough outside). 5:30 is early and I would probably be vegging out like that too
First, I want to say to everyone who says "sleep train" your child that it is not that simple of a solution. DD also gets up at 5:30ish and we have done everything to try to get to her to sleep later. She rarely goes back to sleep, even if we put her in bed with us. Every child is wired differently. Aside from the early morning awakening, she has good sleep habits--goes to bed easily and sleeps all night long.
As far as the TV watching, I have had the same complaints about DH for turning on the TV too much or playing with his cell phone while he is "supposed to be playing with DD"...but I have had to just let some things go. Basically he is a good father and she adores him. I think picking your battles is the best advice. When I have criticized DH for his parenting, it has caused unneccessary stress on our marriage. Furthermore, I think TV time in the morning is ok--that's when we watch most of our TV. It helps me to wake up and get breakfast ready. I am not one to "get moving" first thing in the AM, esp. at 5:30!
Then her post should have been "I am worried my DH doesn't spend enough time with our daughter" not "he lets her watch tv and OMG he's ruining her"
Well the way she makes it sound sleep is more important to her than waking up two extra days a week and being with her daughter given the fact that she complained about her DH not doing what she would do. If she doesn't like it her choices are "deal with it" the way it is or get up and be the parent she wants him to be. Done. Why whine about it?
I somehow feel I need to defend myself here, or maybe just explain better.
I don't generally have a problem with TV (after age 2), and it's not like I think it's going to "ruin" her... Like I said, I use TV througout the day as well, but I also spend lots of time playing with her, doing activities with her, taking her to classes/lessons, going on playdates, taking her to the park, doing crafts, etc. But most of the time DH spends with her is TV time. DH is very "hands off" in that he probably spends 2-3 hours TOTAL a week (including weekends) actually playing with her. 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there - but he gets bored playing her games and often defaults to TV, or will just sit there on his computer or cell phone or doing other things while she tries to talk to him, or pulls at him asking him to play, and he is only half listening to her. So I guess that's why the 3-4 hours of TV she watches with him every week bugs me so much - because he really doesn't spend enough quality time with her in my honest opinion.
I'm kinda shocked that anyone would suggest that I think my sleep is more important that DD.... It took me over 2 years to ask DH to help out more in the sleep department - until that time I was doing everything related to sleep - putting her down at night, waking up with her multiple times through the night, and getting up with her early every. single. day. But when I got pregnant I felt that I needed more rest to be healthy and functional, and asked DH to step up - I don't think that's being selfish at all, it's just necessary to take care of myself.
And while I appreciate the suggestion, it's really not that easy to "sleep train" our DD.... We've tried dozens of different methods to get her to sleep later, including hiring a sleep doula and seeing sleep specialists, but she's just an early riser (and incredibly stubborn). She's not the type to play by herself in her crib, so when she's awake, she wants out NOW. She's very healthy and generally well rested (except lately when she's been skipping naps - but that's another post). Hopefully she grows out of it but for now this is our reality.
Anyways, thanks everyone for the replies - I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I think I was probably venting more than anything.... But I will try to let go a bit and just let him do his thing, rather than trying to get him parent the way I do. I am genuinely grateful that I get a few extra hours of sleep a week because of his willingness to get up, so I should probably just stop complaining!
Wow, was that really necessary?
I'm in a very similar situation...my older DD wakes before 6 every day, I SAH, DH is gone 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week, and often uses the t.v. instead of playing with DD. DD has ALWAYS been an early riser; there is no way around it. She wakes before 6, DH wakes at 6 and leaves by 6:30 for work. I am up every 1-2 hours with my younger DD every night, and I need every extra minute of sleep that I can get.
A few months ago, we bought DD a digital alarm clock, and put masking tape over the last two numbers. We "trained her" to stay in bed if she wakes at 5. At 6, she is allowed to play quietly in her room. At 7, she comes in and wakes me up. So she gets up at 6, plays for a while, and DH brings her some milk and chats with her before he leaves for work at 6:30. At 7, she wakes me. It works really well. We also have a gate up in the hall, so she cannot roam the house, as well as a video monitor so we can see/hear her in her room. She isn't the type of kid to get into trouble, and her room is completely toddler-proof. It's a situation that works well for us, but it's not for everyone.
I think, in some ways, you've not given your husband enough responsibility with your child. If you've spent so much time taking care of all of your child's needs, your husband hasn't learned how to interact with his daughter. He's also probably a little nervous about doing something wrong and, therefore, doesn't do anything at all with your daughter. I know that my husband and I had a very serious conversation about a year ago because DH felt that I was constantly telling him how to parent. I didn't see it as that, since I felt that I was just helping him do what was best for our daughter. The unfortunate result of this "controlling" was that DH kind of gave up and only performed parenting tasks when I asked and then it wasn't with enthusiasm or excitement because he was constantly thinking about how I'd react if it wasn't done "correctly."
So, for the past year I've made a concentrated effort to allow DH to interact with our daughter on his own terms. DH is NOT a morning person and if he's woken in the middle of the night he is NOT a nice person, lol! However, I function relatively well on interrupted sleep and I don't mind getting up early in the morning (although I'd also turn on the TV if I couldn't get her to go back to sleep at 5:30 AM). Because I do better with less and interrupted sleep than DH, it's typically me who gets up with DD. DH, on the other hand, loves to have Tegan hang out with him in the yard or garage (I'm not big on being outdoors), as well as, tagging along with him to Wal Mart, the grocery store, etc. He's also pretty good about rough housing with her and he's much more interactive with her during bath time. DH has his strengths and I have mine. I've learned that if I allow DH to do his thing with Tegan and don't spend too much time asking questions/judging his interaction with her, DH is more relaxed and more likely to spend quality time with our daughter.
This is a great point and good advice. I definitely need to give DH more responsibility and just step back a bit. Maybe he feels that I hover and control too much.... Part of it stems from the fact that for the first 6 months or so he did absolutely NOTHING with DD, because he was so busy finishing up his PhD - and I think maybe now he doesn't really know how to interact with her, or just got into the habit of not being involved.... Either way I should probably just talk to him about it. Thanks!
You sound like a martyr mom - her sleep is more important than her daughter, if she doesn't like the way her DH does it she should just do it herself, etc.
The bolded sentence above are not her only two choices. If she isn't happy with one aspect of her DH's parenting why shouldn't she bring it up to him. Not saying her way is the right way, but her feelings are valid so why not have a discussion with him and see if they can come to an agreement.
I didn't see her post as whining but rather for asking for advice or experience from others.
Thanks for the hope! My fingers are crossed that it's just a stage....