How to support preemie family?

MuseumMaven

Hello,

I wanted to ask your advice on how to best help a friend.  She's a twin mom, and twin A's water broke at 22 weeks.  She was on hospital bedrest and she made it to 25 weeks when her tiny boys were born.  

While she was on bedrest I visited her a lot, brought her things to do to pass the time, snacks from the outside world, etc.  Now that her babies are here and in for a long NICU stay, I'm not sure what I can do for her.  Like today, I want to check in with her and see how the babies are doing, but I don't want to invade their privacy.

Things are slightly complicated in that I have 7 month old twins of my own.  We were blessed that they were born full term and with no complications.  I'm not sure if contact with our family might be difficult for her and her husband right now.  Also, contact with my boys might not be a good idea since we don't want to risk any illnesses.

Since all of you have been there, what could someone in my situation have done to support you?

Thanks.

AustinGurl

The best gifts I've received are gift cards to nearby restaurants and entertainment for my 3 yr old.  I don't know if she has any other children, though.  I don't find that I need things to pass the time.  My days tend to fly by here in the NICU.

ijustcantthinkrightnow

It sounds like you are really close to her so I would continue to offer support, but in some way let her take the lead. Maybe send her an email or text and just simply say "I am thinking of you. I know you are very busy right now, is there anything I can do?" and wait for her to respond. I'd say once every few days is best so you aren't overwhelming her (I had a friend that texted me 75 times a day, I know she meant well but it was annoying when I was trying to focus on the babies).

Bring her and her DH quick dinners that they can just heat up and go... or gift cards for gas or near by resturants. Offer to help with housework if you can. As long as  your boys aren't sick, and your or DH aren't sick, you should be fine to visit her or vice versa.

The biggest thing that helped me get thru was to know that my true friends were there for me and waited for my calls without expecting much in return as far as always answering when they call etc. You could also offer to be the "go to" for information by updating family/friends to her.

Most importantly, help her celebrate those precious babies and every precious moment.

kck329

PPs have some good ideas. Here is a link to the list of "how can I help" suggestions this board put together awhile ago. Please feel free to send it on to anyone else who wants to help her and to share the rest of the blog with your friend. https://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/p/what-can-i-do-for-my-friend.html

I also wanted to add that you are a great friend. Especially to know that seeing your healthy term babies might be hard for her right now, no matter how much she loves you and them. There is a grief that comes with premature delivery and the loss of a full term pregnancy, it sounds like you understand that. Just be there for her and make sure she knows you are around even if she doesn't feel like talking. And be there for her when she comes home with the babies too-that was a really lonely time for me.

MuseumMaven

kck329:

PPs have some good ideas. Here is a link to the list of "how can I help" suggestions this board put together awhile ago. Please feel free to send it on to anyone else who wants to help her and to share the rest of the blog with your friend. https://preemiemomblog.blogspot.com/p/what-can-i-do-for-my-friend.html

I also wanted to add that you are a great friend. Especially to know that seeing your healthy term babies might be hard for her right now, no matter how much she loves you and them. There is a grief that comes with premature delivery and the loss of a full term pregnancy, it sounds like you understand that. Just be there for her and make sure she knows you are around even if she doesn't feel like talking. And be there for her when she comes home with the babies too-that was a really lonely time for me.

Thanks.  I know how many stupid/insensitive things I hear with twins, and I certainly didn't want to be someone who did that!  I will be sure to share the blog with her - thanks.  It has some great information.

kelkel09

I think just being there for her and asking her if there is anything you can do to help out would be really appreciated. You sound like a great friend!

KatFCo

Her babies are going to be in the hospital for a long time (my DD was born just a week earlier than they were and were in the hospital for 4 months). Those can be lonely days. Except for a few visits, our friends pretty much left us alone, and that was hard. Ask her if she'd like company in the NICU sometimes--just sit with her if you can.

Being around healthy babies really can be hard, and it's great of you to be aware of that. Try to avoid talking too much about their accomplishments with her or bringing up your own pregnancy. It may just serve as  reminder that her pregnancy didn't go the way it should.

Meals can also be helpful. When I would spend the day in the NICU, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and cook.