"I'm a bad mom" phase/days/moments (loaded vent, sorry)
Disclaimer - I'm in the middle of switching anti-depressants, so my brain feels like scrambled eggs, and that could be the issue.
I broke down last night, and got honest with DH. I have moments where I just don't want to have to figure out what to feed C, or make a lunch for daycare, or wake up at 7:15am on a Saturday, or act enthusiastic when C plays the same song for the 78th time on his vTech toy, or change a nasty stinky diaper, or read Good Night Gorilla every night since it's his favorite bedtime book, or, or, or.
And because I have these days, I feel like I totally suck as a mom, and my head gets going and tells me that I should have never had a baby in the first place, and C is going to grow up with a sub-par mom.
I can understand having these feelings after a few years of being a parent, but I'm mad at myself for having felt this way before he even turned 1. Before I switched anti-depressants, these moments were fleeting, and I usually could just keep going and do whatever baby-related task was in front of me. I hope that it's just the switch of the meds, and once things balance out, I will feel more even keel and I'll be able to Keep Calm and Carry On. But for now, I feel like I suck.
Re: "I'm a bad mom" phase/days/moments (loaded vent, sorry)
Whoops, I wasn't even done posting yet but I hope that helped carry the point across : )
You sound an awful lot like I did circa Mother's Day 2010. I had a total melt down and felt so overwhelmed and underappreciated (and I was only working part time at the time!). I think it was a HUGE wake up call to DH that he needed to pitch in more, in just about every way. I don't know if this is the case for you, but my biggest problem was that I felt like I was carrying 90% of the load and to even get DH to carry the other 10% required a ridiculous amount of reminding and proding. For me, just getting it out and saying it helped immensely. I hope the same is true for you.
I had a really similar meltdown re. DD with DH well before she turned 1 and things got a lot better. Work got shared, DH got more engaged, things improved tremendously. You're not alone. And you're not a bad mom. <hugs>
I have those moments every single day. I hope it's normal!
Like MPD said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that DH doesn't necessarily pull his weight, but truly, it's exhausting being a mother. Who the heck wants to read Good Night Gorilla every night (you can't even really read it, since there are no words; you just have to make it up)? Or listen to the same song over and over (for me, it's the Wiggles. If I never hear them again it'll be too soon).
I think the people who say they treasure every single moment are delusional.
That said, I never question if I should have had DD (or should be having another now!). When she's being cute or funny, it's all worth it. And it will get easier when your son can start to entertain himself a little bit more; it gives you a break. Try to take some more time for yourself without DS if you can so you can recalibrate yourself.
It gets easier, and I promise that you are not a sub par mom. With or without medication.
every.single.thing.she.said, in both posts!!!!!!!!!!
this was me and i've never been on meds for depression. so i didn't have that as a possibility (the turbulent times during a med switch). i did have some major undiagnosed PPD going on on top of my issues and that made it all worse. i've had several meltdowns asyou've described. i think you'd be surprised to know exactly how many moms have such meltdowns.
what can DH do to help take some of the decision-making burden off of you? for me, that meant DH did bedtime, DH did all the grocery shopping, we made a meal plan together, he took over some of our personal financing (i'd been doing the taxes, the budgeting and all of the bill paying), and we got a maid service.
this made a huge difference in my quality of life and i was then able to start focusing on me, when previously i'd spent my entire day focusing on someone/thing else (my child, my husband, my house, etc.).
like pp said, just getting it out helped so much. once i did that, DH understood what i was going through (or at least pretended to, he sympathized and maybe that was all i needed...a little sympathy).
You absolutely do not suck - you are overwhelmed and tired and only human, and it is a normal reaction. Also, I remember in a past post someone having similar "I suck" feelings, and another person pointed out that if you sucked you wouldn't be concerned...you clearly care a lot, and that makes you a very GOOD mom.
If it makes you feel better, I had an "I suck" day yesterday too...you are not alone!
Hang in there...
Dude, you are not a bad mom. This stuff is hard and exhausting! You are doing the right thing and talking about it to your DH, your doctor and us of course.
Me, and everyone I know, has had moments like this and it continues. We had a great weekend but around 9pm on Sunday night, I realized I had not had a single moment to myself and I blissfully remembered days of a totally quiet house where I had no responsibility. Don't feel like you suck because we have all been there!
You do not suck! You are a good mama and you love your baby. I think every mom has feelings/days like that, although it must be worse when it's exacerbated by your medication limbo. I often self-medicate with wine, which is probably not the greatest solution (and I know you don't drink).
It's good that you're talking to your DH about it--I hope he's listening and stepping up a little.
Can you maybe take a little time for yourself? Even if it's just an afternoon here and there on a weekend? I know after I do that, go get a pedicure or whatever, I'm already missing J by the time I head home.
And in the meantime, vent away.
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
You are not a bad mom---I think you sound pretty normal. I have been there too---there is just so much tedious work and sometimes it feels like it never ends. I also tend to take on too much myself--like if I am going out for the night, I used to have dinner for the kids ready to go--all cut up, jammies laid out, etc. Now, I just go. If they have peanut butter crackers for dinner, so be it. DH can figure it out.
I hope things get better for you and your talk with DH helps.
You don't suck. Period.
Being a mom is HARD and it's ok to not enjoy every single repetitive moment. I think the first year is the absolute hardest, so don't be hard on yourself for getting tired of things before you've been a mom long enough. I know there are some days I just want to run screaming from the monotony of diaper changes, making breakfast and getting the "right" color cup for milk, constant redirecting or time outs, etc., and it was only worse before T was able to sort of carry on a conversation. Bad days don't make you a bad mom. {{HUGS}}
This. Being a mom is wonderful. And hard. Communicating with DH is absolutely critical. And hard. At least it is for me in those moments where I feel like he is supposed to know what I need and what the girls need. Don't beat yourself up, just take a step back, vent and then let others help you out.
You are a great mom, if just for the fact that you worry about being a great mom.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are totally not alone. There have definitely been moments where I felt like this. Being a mom is really, really hard sometimes and there are many moments where I feel like I am just not doing a very good job.
If you weren't feeling this way before (or not as often), it sounds like the switch of the anti-depressant could be some of what's driving these recent feelings. Hopefully once you get stabilized, you will start to feel better. Make sure to keep your doctor, husband, and others that are close to you in the loop on how you are feeling and to reach out for help if you feel like you are really spiraling downward.
Also, I just wanted to share a resource with you in case you may find it helpful. I was recently introduced to this blogger and I think she does an amazing job of articulating some of the highs and lows of motherhood. These are two articles that I found resonated with me and helped me feel better about the job that I'm doing.
https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/19/telling-secrets-2/
Hang in there. It will get better.
I hope it's reassuring to hear that a lot of us feel the same way sometimes. I definitely had meltdowns, and miss life pre-baby, and still do! As PPs mentioned, they usually end up happenening when I feel like I'm pulling more weight or feel like I have to be responsible for reminding DH to do things - to me, it's no help if I have to remind him to do it! It's exhausting to feel like the only one who remembers that dinner has to be thought of before 5pm, we can't leave the house without food for DS, etc. things that feel like they should be kind of obvious by now but somehow aren't.
One thing I started doing was saying that we had to rotate who had dinner duty - that meant deciding what was for dinner and making it - every other day. It seems so silly, but I absolutely dreaded the, "what do you want to do for dinner?" question. Now, we can't ask that question unless we also offer at least one idea to the other person.
You are a great mom - just being concerned about this shows it!
You definitely don't suck. Your little guy is pretty awesome, but he's still a needy little guy because he's just 1 year old. And he just cut a molar! Even the best baby is a trial when they are in pain.
I feel like i've had a few moments like this lately especially when dealing with food issues. I came really close to snapping at LO yesterday to just freaking eat already because mealtime is such a battle.
I'm sure the med switch is a huge piece of it, and I would definitely keep your doctor in the loop. And lean on your DH more. Although that might be easier said than done--I know when I'm feeling frustrated, I'm usually frustrated at DH, too.
I think that reading this post and all the responses has been really helpful for me because it's so great to know that I'm not the only one who has had a breakdown like this.
You do not suck. Some of the things parents have to do suck.
I oscillate between So Very Happy Being a Mommy! and OMFG Did I Make a Huge Mistake?
One thing that really helps me is to have enough alone time. Are you getting enough breaks from work, baby duties & housework? Is your husband helping out as much as you need him to? If he is super helpful, can you afford to outsource some of the chores to lighten the load?
As much as I love my child, I will never enjoy changing diapers. I will also never enjoy Go Dogs Go (most annoying book of all time) which he wants to read on repeat. I will also never enjoy the constant "Uh-Oh! Mess!" as he walks around & points out all the locations that are not spotless around our house. I will also never enjoy disciplining him. In short, there are lots of things I really dread doing. And there are lots of things I really miss doing when I was child free (sleeping in, silence!, a clean house lasting longer than 15 min, not having to plan my life around naps & bedtime, etc).
Phew! Thank you for the responses, I am really glad I'm not alone. I really really try too hard to be everything to everyone (awesome mom, awesome wife, awesome employee, awesome homemaker) and I've always held high expectations of myself and having to lower those expectations is a new territory.
I actually think this is harder the first 2 years of LO's life and the hardest the first year - it's not about how long you have been doing but how much of a change this is from just caring for your own needs. And I can ditto just about everything you said above. It is SUCH a grind of sameness day in and day out and I have a truly high threshold for sameness or repetitive activity. We all have days where we just don't want to do it AGAIN. I will say I feel less like this as they get older but sometimes I just want to get away. I just want a weekend where I could sleep until noon and zero responsibilities for another human being. You are NOT alone on this thinking.
Can you get away for a weekend with or without DH/friends? I get away once a year with friends, but truthfully I would be just as happy with a me only vacation because I am a solitary type and like lots of things you can do by yourself like reading, knitting etc. I also get away about once a year with just DH and he gets away maybe twice a year with his friends. This saves our sanity.
How much is DH truly helping out with baby and household responsibilities? I can say mine did very little compared to what I did the first 2.5 years and it was exhausting. He was having a tough time adjusting to life with babies and I am the type to just pick up the slack and not say anything - not to mention that he seemed blind to all that was needed. It all came to a head at one point and we had a lot of tough discussions but he now does at least 50% of the work around here and it has made a huge difference in my happiness levels and truthfully he is way happier now too. If this is an issue in your house I also suggest reading Babyproofing Your Marriage - both DH and I found it funny, frank and we identified with about 90% of what each side was saying.
Big (((HUGS))), being a mom is tough stuff and your feelings do not make you any less of a great mom.
I was just coming back to post these too. Good articles to read.
You do not suck! What you're feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL. The routines of daily life can be very mundane and repetitive. Nobody likes doing that stuff (changing diapers, packing lunch for daycare, etc.). If they say they do, they're either lying or they are a very sad person who must also think it's fun to watch paint dry.
I'll ditto pp who said you need to find some time for yourself if you're not getting much of that now. Take a couple of hours each weekend to do something fun by yourself, like maybe a sewing project, getting some exercise, or meeting a friend for lunch. If you know you're having problems with depression, try to get regular exercise, because that definitely helps. Try to plan fun outings with C so you're creating happy memories instead of dwelling on the mundane stuff.
Bottom line: Everyone feels like this sometimes and you are a good mom.
ditto to what everyone has said, you do not suck and you are NOT a bad mom. we have all been there. IMO anyone who claims to cherish each tiny second of mundane parenthood is either lying or high ;-)
Yes, this exactly. He's not a deadbeat dad by any means, but I often think he just doesn't get it, and someone has to do it, and since I'm thinking/obsessing over how it's not getting done by him, I might as well just do it now, and build a resentment against him in the process.
I am going to get that book. I have been sitting on a gift card to B&N, and now I have something to use it on!
This. Being a mom (or parent) is hard. lonely. tedious. mind-numbing. frustruating...fill in the blank. There are plenty of happy moments, but there are also days when I just want Calgon to take me away (forever. or so I believe in the moment). If you said that you love every single minute of being a mom and you never want to be away from your kid....I'd ask you to share whatever you are taking
It gets better when they get older, can do things for themselves and can play independently and give you a minute to breathe. My favorite part of the day is when DD2 is in bed, DH is cleaning up dinner and DD1 and I are snuggled on the couch while she watches Caillou and I play on my phone or just space out. It's half an hour of pure bliss.
Agreed! I also like what Kastle said about oscillating back and forth between this is the greatest thing ever and OMFG what did I do! I feel like that multiple times a week. Some days are harder than others, some days I count it a success if we all survived, and some days I just want to repeat over and over because it seemed that everything was so easy and light and went well. You're not alone. I'm really, really hard on myself as well - like what you were saying about trying to be the perfect every role. It's hard to juggle all that, and it's hard sometimes, but it's totally ok to not be able to do it all and need some help from DH or even others. I'm also someone who before DD was totally accustomed to having a ton of my own time to myself during the day (I work an earlier shift than DH); it's been hard to adjust to not having that. I find that I do reach a breaking point and just want my "me" time back, and will tell DH to give me like an hour or something in the evenings to just do what I want (read, relax, exercise, whatever). It helps.
I need to adopt this mantra. DH can figure it out.
This is so me. I think that the OMFG parts are louder and make me feel horrible.
Yes. 100%
Re: All the "take time for you" suggestions - How sad is it that I totally forgot that I have a gift certificate to Massage Envy that I recieved in NOVEMBER?? I think I will make an appointment to redeem it this weekend.
And I cannot remember the last time I had a pedicure. I was going to get one on C's birthday, but I opted for a haircut and a brow wax, since people actually see that part of me, and both were getting offensively unruly.
There's a groupon for a mani-pedi in Silver Spring today.
I just remembered a gift certifcate for a massage at Kibana that I got last year for my birthday in March. I'm thinking it might be a nice thing to do before the game on Super Bowl Sunday.
Perhaps, if your budget permits, you should schedule a pedicure every X weeks & do this in advance. Like, at the end of the appt, go ahead & schedule the next one. I find that if I have something on my calendar for me, it happens. But if I don't have anything planned for myself it is SO EASY to get sucked into home & mommy duties & get exhausted at the thought of when to make time for doing ___. And, don't get me wrong, my husband is really helpful & everything, it's just easy for me (I think for most women) to put ourselves last. Really, we should put ourselves first b/c we can't be a good mom or wife or worker or whatever if we're not taking care of ourselves, ya know?
Absolutely. And I've taken a peek at your Pinterest blog and think you already know what makes you happy. Step back, take a deep breath, do it and let yourself enjoy : ) You deserve it.
Ditto what EVERYONE said. It is SO hard to be a mom - i've been wracked by indecision, by exhaustion and by wondering what the hell i've gotten into. I live for DD's smiles and laughter but when it disappears or when she refuses to nurse or what have you, i feel despondent..and i'm only five and half months in! You've been doing this for a year! Cut yourself some slack, treat yourself, be kind to yourself and keep reaching out to moms around you. This board has literally been my sanity. When i hit bottom, the chorus of other moms telling me that i'm not crazy, that this is HARD is just a reminder that i'm not alone and that this will get easier.
HUGE, HUGE hugs - i know how you feel and i hope that you come through it soon. It always looks so dark until you get through it - and then you wonder how ever doubted it...until the next time you're exhausted, overwhelmed and you return back to not seeing your way through. You're doing great- just keep looking forward, have faith that it will get better (tomorrow, next week, next month) and keep reaching out.
I feel for you - you're a GREAT mom, you're going to be fine! Your kiddo will also be fine too. Ditto the momastery posts - they also remind me i'm not alone. I have no other solution beyond what others have suggested. Just know that this is a moment in time - it will pass. ((((HUG)))))
i second "babyproofing your marriage"
it saved mine. literally, we were at the point where we were headed for marriage saving counseling. i read that book, had some very frank discussions with DH, carved out time to work on myself and began the journey towards healthier living.
i also got a membership to massage envy! it's $59/mo. plus a $20 tip, i spend $80 and get a wonderful massage (no frills at ME, but it's an entire hour that i don't have to think about anyone other than myself)!
I really really appreciate all this support, suggestions and hugs. I don't have a lot of mom friends IRL, but the ones that I have connected with offline (ch ch ch ch chia, mssaint, beliezeitornot, LindseyJW) have been really helpful, and I find this board to be an immense resource which is why I stick around here. Thank you, everyone!
I am pretty sure MoCo library has it too - I checked it out in a moment of desperation because I thought our marriage was a failure (I am dramatic and blow things out of proportion like that - we really just had one really big fight).
I think the book opened both of our eyes to the other side. I became way more open to intimacy seeing it from his point of view and he actually opened his eyes and looked around. He said he really just had a moment where he realized he could jump in and do this and this was how life was going to be for a while or he could stay miserable and wish for something easier. The book uses humor to diffuse the heavy topics that truly hit close to home for us.
Also DH was a great dad too - he loved the kids and played with them great, just all the support work was generally left to me which definitely left me terribly resentful. Now he does the dishwasher everyday, cleans up from dinner, does bathtime with the kids, splits bedtime routines with me, does the sorting and washing of the laundry (that man won't fold to save his life), does all the bills, the trash/recycling. Sometimes with all the laundry he does I wonder if he is doing more than me sometimes
YES! DH CAN figure it out. As long as you are mostly sure he won't kill or maim LO leave them alone together. My DH was so ticked at me for not leaving him alone with the two LO"s at once because my sneakers were falling apart - like I couldn't wear them falling apart and I had no others (as you can tell from my library post, I am a little cheap). He thought I had no confidence in him but really I knew how hard (like crazy hard, I am imagining driving away and never coming back hard) it was to be home alone with the two of them at that age and I was trying to make life easier for him. It is so counter intuitive to me to NOT try and make his life easier that this is a hard one for me, but letting them do it their way builds their confidence and then they do more.
Also I think it was you who mentioned trying to be the best wife/mom/employee etc. I have pretty much given up that my whole house will ever be clean again all at once, just like all the laundry will never be clean, folded and put away all at once. I know my kids are getting adequate nutrition because they grow and the pedi tells me that so I do not worry about their eating habits (just keep trying new foods) or if I need to make chicken nuggets twice a week or if we order pizza more than once a week. I will fail many times at being a perfect mom, but I hope my kids take away from that the lesson that no one is perfect and they don't have to be either. I will fail at being an awesome wife, but I also hope my kids see how marriage is work and how 2 adults have a healthy respectful relationship and how they should settle conflicts. I think our kids learn from our failures as well our successes.
i could have written this exact thing. and i could have also written it pre-baby.
you totally do not suck. seriously. being a mom is the hardest freakin thing i have ever done. and knowing the "phase" C is in because H is right there too... yeah. i would be lying if i didn't sometimes wish i had a job outside the home so i could get a break from the tantrums, the poop, etc.
the monotony of having a young kid just wears you down. the end. especially if you feel like you're having to take charge of a lot of the chores at home.
i totally agree with all the pps who recommend taking some me time, and i think you should talk to DH about what things need to get done and how you can divvy up the duties. It might take a time or two of showing him how, but like someone said, he can learn how to do it. On weekends when DH would be home and helping out, he was always forgetting when to feed her, when to put her down for naps, etc. I finally made him a post it of the general schedule and posted it on the fridge for him. Problem solved. So talk with him and see what things he'd like to take on without being prompted to relieve some of the burden on you.
And, if you ever just are having a moment where you need to get out of the house and see another adult, call me.
Maybe we need to establish a Wheaton bumpie mommy monthly meetup. 
I feel the need to chime in again (for the third time... yes, I have a problem). If you venture to other boards on the Nest/Bump, you may see some moms say that raising kids or being a mom is super easy. Do NOT let that get into your head. For the most part, if it always feels easy, I think you're probably not doing it right.
you are a great Mom and you are totally normal!!