terrible 1's?

choppinbroccoli22

Like all of you, we have the sweetest daughter in the world. She turned 1 two weeks ago, and we suddenly are running into a new stage that is very disconcerting to us: she is testing us, and throwing mini tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Already?!

Tonight, she was sitting in her highchair, holding food over the side and looking directly at us to see when we were looking at her, and then dropping the food. Which she obviously knows we disapprove of. We sternly but gently said "no". She went into a crying fit, which we did not respond to right away. She calmed down a bit and was offered food/water again, which she tossed. So I said, "all done" and took her upstairs, brushed her teeth, allowed her to say goodnight to the kitty who was sitting on her sink and who made her smile as usual, and put her directly to bed without the usual routine. She went to sleep immediately. I know this was an instance of being overtired, and maybe not that hungry, but the part about testing us, and how quickly she gets frustrated and flails her body around (I have to make sure she doesn't hit her head on things even when I am trying to ignore the fits) at any time of day whether she is full of energy or needs to go to bed, is really new and scary for us. We were actually crying together as we talked over tonight's episode. We feel that we are on the same page with each other, but it is so hard to see her get upset and not just pick her up and comfort her and give in to her. We also didn't think we'd be dealing with this kind of testing behavior so soon. Anyone else going through/went through something similar? How is/was your strategy for handling it?

sillypit

In the words of our pedi "Girls start the terrible two's earlier, and finish them later", ours tests us daily, sigh.

JoannaJes

You can still pick her up and comfort her. Just because she can't always do what she wants doesn't mean you should withhold affection. 

Teaching your child limits has nothing to do with comforting them when they are upset. You are not "giving in".  Giving in would be if you had to take away her cup, then she started throwing a fit, so you gave her back the cup. You can take away the cup, and then comfort her if she feels upset about it. 

KJKNAJ

I'm sure others will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think she's pretty young to be 'testing you', as you put it. At 1yrs old, they are just so frustrated that you can't understand or do exactly what they want. But it's not really a tantrum.

Having said all this, my toughest age with my DD#1 WAS about 10mths to 18mths, not the 'terrible 2s or 3s'. She drove me crazy with separation anxiety and, looking back, I expected more of her than her age so it was me getting unnecessarily upset with her more than it was ever her.

choppinbroccoli22

JoannaJes, we're going to have to think and talk about that. I know for example that tonight, we were gently touching her hair and things like that to show her we're not mad but at the same time we are trying to be clear and not confusing. What's difficult for us is that she only says "mama" and "dada" and we want our communication with her to be unambiguous. It's not always about something tangible that we took away and can give back, it's about a behavior. I've told her "no" firmly when she goes after the outlets with her mouth because she is SO curious about them and when it made her cry, I picked her up and hugged her... like a thousand times. But when she does something on purpose to get a reaction from us, our instinct is not to pick her up and comfort her when she doesn't get the reaction she's looking for, because that is perhaps also the reaction she's looking for. But I agree with you whole-heartedly on the sort of thing you mentioned. Not giving in but comforting her I think is a good thing in that sort of circumstance.

choppinbroccoli22

KJKNAJ, That's what I would really love to believe. But when you see out of the corner of your eye that your child is looking right at you and poised to do something you disapprove of, and waiting for you to turn and look at them before they go ahead and do it, ... you know you've got a little smarty-pants on your hands.

KJKNAJ

Yeah, in that case, I do know what you mean by testing. And I think in those moments, you give a firm 'no' and remove her from the situation. Unfortunately, you might have to do that over and over and over, and not lose your patience. All part of the fun of parenting! Good Luck!

bootcampbride

Yup, it starts early. My DD loved to touch the garbage can - something she knew she was not allowed to do - around a year.  I would pick her up, say no firmly and put her down away from it firmly if you know what I mean.  She would then cry her little heart out and after a moment or two  .. I would pick her up and comfort her. She learned very quickly that she cannot touch it and to this day she does not.  She spent some time going up to the garbage can and reaching out with one finger while watching for my reaction.  All it took is a little reminder.  Now we've moved on to other challenges

chardonnay24

I agree with this.

This kind of behavior started around 10 months for us. Now I can tell the difference between curiosity and poor behavior. For curiosity, he gets redirected. If it's a dangerous thing, he gets a, "no, hot!" or "no, ouch!". But when he is testing us, I usually just ignore him. For example, he gets really silent when he gets ahold of a forbidden item (cell phones, remote controls, etc.) On the rare occasion that it happens, I'll hear total silence and walk into the room. When he sees me watching him, he'll jump a mile and then run away as fast as he can. I'll take the item away, he'll proceed to throw a fit, and I will sit on the floor next to him so that he has the option of climbing in my lap and getting a hug or not. He is usually pissed at me so 90% of the time he ignores me, has his tantrum, and moves on.

He also looks me straight in the eye and dumps food over the edge of his tray, one by one. Most of the time, he's just trying to tell us that he is finished. We're trying to teach him to sign "all done" but he only does it about a quarter of the time. When he starts throwing food, I simply remove the tray and let him sit in his chair until we are finished eating. I'll give him a cup or a toy but those always get thrown as well. I try not to even say "no" but just ignore the behavior.

chardonnay24

bootcampbride:

Yup, it starts early. My DD loved to touch the garbage can - something she knew she was not allowed to do - around a year.  I would pick her up, say no firmly and put her down away from it firmly if you know what I mean.  She would then cry her little heart out and after a moment or two  .. I would pick her up and comfort her. She learned very quickly that she cannot touch it and to this day she does not.  She spent some time going up to the garbage can and reaching out with one finger while watching for my reaction.  All it took is a little reminder.  Now we've moved on to other challenges

A was obsessed with the garbage can today. After I was finally feeling victorious since he wasn't touching it anymore, I look over to find him LICKING it. He looked at me like, "I'm not touching it!"

Mom2Mack1

DD turned 1 a week ago and has been throwing tantrums since before then!  I've started making a point to really praise her good behavior and I can def see a difference.  For example, if she is opening a drawer that I don't want her in I'll ask her to close the drawer and then praise her for doing so.  She has been responding to me much better.  However, if she is not listening then I remove her from the situation and let her throw the tantrum.  Sometimes it's impossible to avoid a tantrum!

hmp1

DS does the food dropping also. He really enjoys sorting so I start putting his food in a container and he quickly starts helping instead of dropping on the floor. When we are done, we cheer, and I put on the lid and away the food goes to the sink. He doesn't get upset.

He had a full on tantrum in public this weekend. We were walking around downtown and he wanted to walk into the street. Really he just wanted to step off the curb because he loves walking down stairs right now. He dropped to his knees and put his head back crying.  We picked him up and kept walking while talking about not going in the street.  He is still really young so we mainly practice redirection at this point.

choppinbroccoli22

chardonnay24:

He also looks me straight in the eye and dumps food over the edge of his tray, one by one. Most of the time, he's just trying to tell us that he is finished. We're trying to teach him to sign "all done" but he only does it about a quarter of the time. When he starts throwing food, I simply remove the tray and let him sit in his chair until we are finished eating. I'll give him a cup or a toy but those always get thrown as well. I try not to even say "no" but just ignore the behavior.

wow. I feel like I just read a paragraph right out of my life! Exactly!

Thanks, everyone, for all the support! I appreciate your input. It's good knowing this happens early to a lot of good kids out there, and how you handle it!