Connecting with baby #2
LaurenL977
member
I often hear women talk about it being difficult to connect with baby #2 while still in the womb because of being with and focused on baby #1, especially if baby #1 is young. Any of you feel like you were more connected with number #2 while still in utero? Any of you feel more connected with #2 after birth than you did with baby #1 after birth? Sometimes (well, maybe often) I feel like I am still trying to get the hang of being a mama to my son (10 months old) who is a total daddy's boy, and since he is a daddy's boy I often don't feel as connected/bonded with him as I see some mothers and their children. I have my own theories at why this may be, whether they are right or not I have no idea. But, even though I don't have 100% focus on this new baby brewing in my belly, I am hopeful that we will have a good connection right from the start--maybe I am just more confident as a parent and feel like I am better prepared? With DS #1, I didn't feel that instant bond that many mothers describe from the get-go.
Anyway, I figured if anyone would maybe understand or be able to relate, it may be some of you ladies. Thanks for reading...been thinking about this stuff a lot lately!
Re: Connecting with baby #2
I took longer to connect with #2 than with #1. With #1, I connected while pregnant and then had such a wonderful recovery with him that it made it easier.
With #2 I didnt connect when I was pregnant and didnt immediately after birth either because I had a terrible time in the hospital.
Now that they're 2 and 1, does it really matter? No. In the grand scheme of their life it's not a big deal so don't sweat it. I am equally connected now.
With #2 I felt connected to him inside almost immediately. It was insane! When he was born I loved him instantly. I think it's because I already was a mom and knew what that love felt like. I didn't need to learn it like I had to with my DD. I know a lot of people say they just feel that instant love towards their 1st and I never did. I felt so guilty because of it too. But once #2 came along I finally knew what they were talking about!
#1 was a difficult baby and we worked so hard to conceive him that I felt a LOT of guilt that I didn't feel totally connected after he was here. I felt more connected to the pregnancy than the baby! The idea of him was miraculous. The reality of him was way harder than anyone could have prepared me for.
With #2 I would totally forget I was pregnant until he'd kick me and remind me he was there. Plenty of guilt that I wasn't cherishing his pregnancy as much and was barely prepared for him (room, gear, etc) when he got here.
But then... they laid him on my chest and something clicked with him that never happened with #1 (maybe because they never laid #1 on my chest due to birth complications). I went from being totally sure we were done and fighting my insurance because we couldn't get a tubal done at the Catholic hospital I had to deliver at to looking straight at DH in the recovery room and saying: "I want another one."
At that point forward the baby was easier. He wanted to snuggle and I could meet his needs easier vs the toddler who was irrational and tried my patience at every turn - especially as sleep deprived as I was with a newborn. I was totally head over heels in love with my 2nd baby. He was a snuggler, soothed easily and gave up smiles at every turn.
Then the older guy out grew the defiant boundary testing toddler years just as the younger one really got going with it and let me tell you... he made the first one look like a walk in the park toddler-wise so for a while I struggled feeling connected to him and really cherished the rational sweet boy my older one was turning into.
Today? At 5 and 4 it's evened out a bit but I still find that I feel closer to one or the other from time to time. My youngest is still a snuggler and honestly that makes me feel closer to him in that snuggly-Mommy way but my older one is very bright, articulate and has a heart of gold even surrounded by boys who are all about hitting, fighting and other testosterone driven activities so I find myself feeling admiration and pride with him even though I don't have as many of those snuggly Mommy moments with him any more.
Don't stress too much about it. Neither child will sense it in you when they're super young and by the time they're older you'll love each of them equally but for different things.
PS - wanted to let you know that my oldest was a total daddy's boy when I was pregnant too and it made me feel disconnected and a little jealous. It just made sense that he would gravitate towards the parent who could more easily pick him up and who did fun things like take him to the park when I was frankly too tired and big to enjoy doing it. It was actually helpful that we were in that phase when the new baby got here but fear not... he's much more a Mamma's boy now.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Thank you so much for all of your posts. I can't even tell you how nice it was for me to know I am not alone in my feelings and that I am not crazy! I thought there was just something wrong with me. Of course, I absolutely LOVE my son and I hope one day we have the bond and connection that I can envision. I think a lot will probably change naturally once the new baby is born!
Thanks again, I appreciate the support.
I didn't think I connected to Baby#2 as much as I did with #1, but now that I look back, I think I may have connected more actually without realizing it - if that makes sense. I talked to Baby#2 a lot more than I did Baby#1 because I was already in "mom mode." Even though I was busy taking care of #1, I always talked to #2 in reference to #1 (as in "your brother is trying to [enter mischievous toddler behavior], you better not try this!")
Once Baby#2 was born, I had trouble bonding only because he spent 10 days in the NICU and had pretty severe colic, reflux, and other tummy issues - so he was a pretty fussy baby. I felt like every time I got closer to getting a bond with him another issue would come up.
A year later I have gotten a strong bond with him, even more than I did with my first. He is a total mama's boy and doesn't let me leave his sight, and I love it. I love that he looks for me and wants to make sure I am there. I love the way he looks and smiles at me. I was so worried that due to all of his colic/reflux/tummy issues, we wouldn't have that bond, but we do
I was team green with #1, and then we found out the sex with #2 which really helped me visualize our family of 4 and feel more connected to the baby in utero.