MIL waaay over-stepping boundaries? (NTR and long-ish)

MrserinJ

I apologize in advance for the lack of paragraphs, im bumping from my phone and it doesnt allow them for some reason. Now let me begin: My MIL is a very controlling person. We have a rocky past but have been fine for the last 5 years because DH and I have always been on the same page and he has no problem standing up to her. My SIL and DH's brother are another story. My FIL is about 2 years from being retired and got word that he has to transfer to a city an hour away for his last year of work. They are paying to move him back here when he retires. So, it was understood they would be moving. The other night, we had MIL, BIL and SIL over for dinner and we were talking about how we were thinking of putting in another bathroom downstairs. She smiled and said that would be perfect because now she wants to stay here while FIL moves and was hoping she could live with us. We took this a complete joke, laughed and said "Sure, then we'd have a built in baby-sitter". After that, we dropped it and SIL and BIL drove her home. As they dropped her off she told them that she had decided to build them a garage on their property and build a suite above it! She said she will live there while FIL is away. My SIL was shocked and didn't know what to say. MIL continues on that if "none of us will take her in, maybe a friend will". BIL constantly gives in to his Mom's guilt trips and it's causing huge problems between him and SIL obviously. She is constantly guilting him and trying to take him away from his wife and baby. She will call him to come over in the evening to "help her with something" and he wont come home until 3 hours later. Obviously this is his problem but I don't get why she wants to cause problems for her own son !? Anyway, since then, MIL has brought it up again to us. She said she was thinking she could spend half the week with us and half the week with them. DH told her flat out that it wasn't goin to work and we need our time as a family alone. BIl on the other hand has just kind of avoided the issue. Am I crazy for thinking this is so intrusive? It's also manipulative as she knows BIL wants a garage badly. Obviously him and SIL have some issues but it makes me so angry that she tries to drive a wedge between them on purpose. I am thankful my DH is so great, but it is frustrating how she is son controlling. Or am I over-reacting? Oh also, when we were there yesterday, MIL also asked BIL while SIL was in the other room changing my niece, if she could have my niece's first birthday party at her house!? WTF!?

Celtic Ember

Ok, maybe I'm missing something here, but how is most of this your problem? It sounds like your SIL needs to have a talk with her husband. Your husband has already stood up to her, time for him to ante up, and you getting involved can only make things worse!

ZacksBride

i agree that mil totally oversteps her boundaries, but seems like it is a problem for your sil because your dh has stood up to her - luck for you!

MrserinJ

Yes you're right- its definitely not my problem. I guess I was just venting because it's so frustrating to see a mother purposefully try and cause stress and problems for a son she loves. It's hard to like a person like that and be around her. It also makes me question her motives for things she does with us too. I agree BIL needs to man up and take a stance and he frustrates us too. He hates confrontation and is a very kind person who likes to please everyone. I uses it's just frustrating to see someone take advantage of that. It's hard for me to understand because as a mother, I would never want to cause my sons any unhappiness. Thanks for letting me vent!

kg_08

Maybe I missed it, but what is the reason she can't move with your FIL? Usually a husband and wife will move together. She sounds like a nut job either way.

BelhurstBride

It's an hour; I don't understand why your FIL can't commute. 

MrserinJ

FIL can't commute because he is the SWAT team leader and has to be within minutes of the station for when they get called out. As far as why MIL can't move with him, well she can. There is absolutely no reason she can't She's not sick, old or financially unable. She is 50 and they have lots of money. She could and should go. It's only for a year ! I have no idea why she wouldn't go with him.

jenna3016

Sheesh.  I suppose she's never heard of renting an apartment?

Sorry you have to deal with that, and good for your H for putting his foot down.

mikeandcristina

She sounds very overwhelming and great at manipulation... maybe it's time for you to stand up for your SIL to your MIL? We had a situation last year where my FIL was bullying my BIL and SIL, and it took my husband and I getting involved to get it under control. Manipulation and bullying isn't much different in my book, and it sounds like she needs to be put in her place.

Maybe have a chat with your SIL and maybe BIL, and see where they stand, and see what you can do to help them. I'm sure your SIL will be relieved to hear that you're on her side and willing to stand up for her family dynamic.

megperk72

It must really suck to have to watch that go on. Thank goodness your DH has drawn some boundaries. Maybe he could talk to his brother and suggest that he start doing the same? He might really want to stress how difficult it would be on his marriage unless he starts standing up to her.

useurname

mikeandcristina:

She sounds very overwhelming and great at manipulation... maybe it's time for you to stand up for your SIL to your MIL? We had a situation last year where my FIL was bullying my BIL and SIL, and it took my husband and I getting involved to get it under control. Manipulation and bullying isn't much different in my book, and it sounds like she needs to be put in her place.

Maybe have a chat with your SIL and maybe BIL, and see where they stand, and see what you can do to help them. I'm sure your SIL will be relieved to hear that you're on her side and willing to stand up for her family dynamic.

 

I know it is not your problem or your H, but I do like this idea.

Mustardseed2007

Maybe her not moving was actually your FIL's idea.

 I wouldn't want to live with her. 

brandydeneil

kg_08:

Maybe I missed it, but what is the reason she can't move with your FIL? Usually a husband and wife will move together. She sounds like a nut job either way.

This will only be for 1 year. I don't see why she can't live with FIL either!

ballstar

Stay out of it. As other posters have said, your husband is doing a great job (and the right thing) representing your family in handling your MIL's attempts to impose. If your BIL doesn't have the same skills/relationship with your MIL, that's his problem, and he and his wife will just have to deal with the consequences. Be grateful that you got the strong brother!

If you go "standing up for" your SIL, as another poster put it, 1) your SIL and BIL might take offense because it will come off as you viewing them as weak, 2) your MIL will come to view you as a bitchy meddler/obstacle DIL with some kind of out-of-left-field thing against her, and 3) your husband might not appreciate you inserting yourself into things in a way that will likely cause a wrinkle between him and his mother and/or him and his brother. Either way you (and ultimately your family) lose. As others have mentioned, this is not your problem. Yes, it may make you uncomfortable to watch it play out, but you'll only be creating a problem for yourself, not fixing one for someone else.

It sounds like your MIL is bored and/or lonely. Her husband is in a career that is very demanding and can have crazy time demands, and now with him away, she has even less attention and human interaction and it's so glaringly anxiety-producing for her that she's trying to talk her children into taking her in as if she's some kind of orphan. Does she have any hobbies, classes, social groups she's part of, charity work, or even a part-time job that calls for her time and gives her an outlet to interact with other people and focus on herself in a positive way (and not the pitiful "woe is abandoned ol' me" way)? If not, these are things you could encourage her to consider taking up, whether she relocates with your FIL or not.