Control Mechanisms 101 — The Bump
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Control Mechanisms 101

Yesterday EX wanted LO to spend the night tonight. I said if he could pass a drug test for me, I would let LO spend the night (I knew he wouldnt take one). He said his attorney wouldnt let him take one right now and then kept avoiding the subject. I met him in a public place to pick up LO. When I told him I wanted to meet him and not have him come to my house he said "why? I want to know where you are going with him and what you are doing?"

Now that he knows he is losing control he is really starting to be more overtly controlling. He used to do it on the sly but now he is so obvious about it.

 

Yesterday:

EX: I will pick up LO from daycare tomorrow and I will have him until 7:30. We have plans

Today:

Ex: Did you leave car seat at daycare

Me: Yup. Can I meet you somewhere to pick up LO at 7:30

Ex: I will bring him home to you

Me: 7:30?

Him: Latest 7:30. Earliest 5:30

Me: I need to know by 4:30 what time you will have him home (this is when I get out of work)

 What I get out of this conversation: He wants to completely ruin my Friday night and have me sit at home with a two hour window of when he will bring LO home so that I cant go anywhere or do anything (contol mechanism #1) Also, he want to bring LO to my home so he can be alone with me and probably give me a hard time about something and not meet me somewhere (Control Mech #2). Not cool. I will be meeting him somewhere. I dont trust him.  This is just one tiny tiny example of the manipulation and power and control struggle I deal with on a daily basis. I am learning new ways to deal with him slowly but surely. I am starting to set boundaries and put my foot. But when you have been in a situation like this for so long, it takes a while to recover.

 

Sorry, I guess I am just venting outloud. Its just BS I deal with everyday and until there is a court order in place I guess I have no choice. I do not want to piss this man off.

 

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Re: Control Mechanisms 101

  • Ugh.  I remember those days.  Now there can't be too much power & control with LO because of our CO.  Thank goodness :)
  • I know exactly what you are going through.  My ex does the same thing. Demands that I let him have my son til a certain time then decides to drop him off 2 hours early.  It's so rude and annoying.
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  • Use the broken record tactic, keep repeating "no, I will meet you at McDonalds at 7:30" over and over again.

    Also, why is he driving with LO if he is on drugs?  Does he have his license? 

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  • image achase123:

    Use the broken record tactic, keep repeating "no, I will meet you at McDonalds at 7:30" over and over again.

    Also, why is he driving with LO if he is on drugs?  Does he have his license? 

    ^^ This, I think you shouldn't let him pick LO up from daycare if he's trying to control the situation. It's either your way or nothing, be firm, but calm about it and it shouldn't cause too much of an issue. If they lose it over you setting stipulations then they are the one's who look bad, document document document.

    Do you have an attorney? I'd email him and cc the attorney that you asked for a drug test on such and such day to make sure he was capable of being a reliable adult for your LO and he denied to do it. Even better if you could cc his attorney too.

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  • Sounds a lot like my STBXH.  I agree with PP, though.  Stick to your guns and be the one to dictate when and where you meet.  Some men are very skilled at manipulation, and when you're in the situation long enough (like it seems we were), it's easy to not even realize when it's happening.  Write down EVERYTHING he says, and if possible, get his drop off and pick up times in writing.  Good luck and be strong!
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  • Do you have a CO?  Does it specify visitation times, pick up and drop off procedures?  If not, I'd get one and stick to it.  It'll eliminate his power to try to control any situation.  Also, put in the CO that he needs to have his own car seat.
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  • image achase123:

    Use the broken record tactic, keep repeating "no, I will meet you at McDonalds at 7:30" over and over again.

    Yes

    I don't know about you op but I am so grateful for this board in helping me to spot manipulation from my stbx so quickly.  After years of making excuses it is empowering to be able to spot and stop his tricky ways dead in its tracks.  I admit that I haven't stopped all of the manipulation but I have come so far in the past 3 months.   

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