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3rd Trimester
Help....husband wants to quit his job- updated
I am 7 months pregnant and my husband came home yesterday saying he wanted to quit his job. We have a 2 year old who is about to go to pre-school. We live comfortably and have a savings, but can no way afford to live off of 1 income. Anyhow, i'm struggling with how to be supportive when i absolutely disagree.
Some history: he's been with the company for 4 years and although he enjoys it, it is a very demanding job. He is an assistant manager for a retailer and it is long hours. They expect a lot and he is often working 14 hour days= sometimes 7 days a week. He has performed well, grown the business tremendously, has been the top assit. manager for 3 years in his region and is being groomed for a promotion. However, it has been a rollercoaster with many ups and downs in the past 2 years. His reason for leaving is that he feels his integrity is being questioned by his boss. There is a rumor that is floating around that he stated he was going to move to another division and when he did, was going to fire 3 people. Thus, his boss scheduled a meeting with him tomorrow. My hubby isn't supposed to know about the reason, but he has a friend who informed him. Aparently the boss isn't happy about it and seems to beleive the rumor. My husband feels like they are making a decision without speaking to him and thinks that his integrity is being doubted before he has a chance to defend himself. My husband swears he did not say anything and I believe him. His company is known for rumors.
ANYHOW, i fully support him looking for another job b/c it will make us all happier and he will have a work life balance. He hasn't been happy for the last year and it has taken a toll on him as he has had to sacrifice a lot of family events for work. BUT, how can i be supportive if i'm 3 months from having a baby and will be out of work for 2 months. Is it wrong of me to want to say "suck it up and work until you find a job" or do i be the supportive wife that understands? I so want to be supportive, but am having a hard time with it b/c i feel like he is not considering the impact it is going to have on us. Basically he made the decision without me.
Am i being unreasonable? How would you handle this situation?
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Re: Help....husband wants to quit his job- updated
I have personally never understood how someone could quit without having something else lined up. That said, I hung in there working for a boss that ruined my self esteem and made me lose track of the happy person I was when I started. I wanted to quit everyday I was there...for 4 years. Granted, I wanted to find a job that only about 20 positions even exist for in this city, and my overqualification scared potential employers. ANYWAY...
I think your husband needs to know that you support him moving on, but that there is a way to do that without creating a crisis for the family. Maybe you can help him mail out resumes, do the job hunting, etc...if he literally has no free time. Maybe even suggest that when he does get a new position, he takes 2 weeks to relax before starting, maybe a little vacation? That sounds super supportive, and gives him something to look forward to!
When the time is right, an opportunity will arise. Best wishes for you both.
You need to be a supportive wive and tell him that you will do what you can do to emotionally support him until he can find a better position. He needs to be an understanding and supportive husband and suffer through a few more months of a bad job until he gets another offer instead of putting your family through financial turmoil.
Don't get me wrong, I totally get how frustrating it can be to poor yourself into a job and then feel like you've gotten the short end of the stick. But he made an adult decision to get married, have a family, and accept the responsibility of helping to take care of you guys, and he needs to stick with it.
Plus, his boss might be calling him in to discuss with him how to stop the rumors from circulating, how to avoid similar situations in the future, and how to fix the situation. I know if I were a boss and heard that rumor, I would definitely speak to my employee privately about it whether I believed it or not. Even if it's not true, it's not a good sign that it's going around. He needs to withhold judgement of what his boss is going to say until he hears it. If you look at it objectively, he's doing exactly what he is mad at his boss for supposedly doing- passing judgement before he's heard the whole story.
DH worked tirelessly at a job that was 1.5 hrs away all while spending his only vacation/sick days finishing his masters in a town that was 2 hours away. He, much like your husband, was absolutely miserable. It was a completely thankless job, co-workers and managers were constantly trying to throw him under the bus b/c the entire company was experiencing major layoffs the entire time he was there. Everyday he came home and told me how much he hated his job and how much he wanted to quit, but luckily he realized how important his job was to our family (there's no way we could have paid the mortgage without him!) It took 2 years, but finally his ship came in and he was hired in a completely different field that was related to his degrees, in our town, and paid significantly more.
Be supportive - and I know that is HARD - it can be wearing on the supportive partner when you're always listening to your spouse talk about how miserable they are, but just sit and listen. You are right though, he has to realize that you all need him to suck it up right now and just go to work and do the job. He can put out feelers, but trust me, you do not want to face the music of an out of work spouse while you all have mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay! GL!
Tell him in a loving way that while you will support his decision to look for a new job he's an idiot to even think about quitting before he has something else lined up.
Seriously the current state of the job market out there still sucks, and while things are improving there are still too many people trying to get too few jobs. Yes he may be unhappy but there are many things to consider before just leaving a less than ideal job.
1) How long can you live on your income and savings? Can that money handle the added expense of another baby- again for how long will it last?
2) Are you paid for your maternity leave? Is it enough to keep you all above water?
3) How easy would it be to find a new job? Would his leaving burn bridges and hurt the recommendations he'd need from his current job? Also would the current situation at his job affect his recommendations?
4) What about acting like an adult and going to his bosses to address the rumors that have been going around... before a meeting was called? His boss is taking the proper course by addressing what he's heard/been told. Your H needs to grow up and understand that they aren't questioning his integrity but addressing a concern. Besides they ARE giving him a chance to defend himself. (Trust me I used to work in a place with a rumor mill that was worse than pretty much anything you'd see in high school. If there is even the slightest chance management would hear and believe what was being said you bet I was going to talk to my manager and be sure they knew what was going on- in relation to me.)
I will add that had my H pretty much told me "I'm quitting my job" without talking to me about it first we'd have a really heated discussion about why he's a a-hole. Neither my H or I would ever make that kind of decision without talking it over first and looking at all sides of what the change would mean. When I took my current job DH and I weren't even engaged yet and I still talked it over with him to be sure he'd support the idea.
I'm not trying to come across rude but really. He has a child, a wife, and a baby on the way and he wants to quit his job? If he foolishly thinks that finding a job is that easy find a new one before he quits. It's kinda of a no brainier.
Also quiting over a rumor is childish, and will look that way if he just quits.
Life is hard your hubby needs to suck it up till he finds a better job.
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I would NOT be supportive of my husband just quitting his job with nothing lined up in this economy, while I was pregnant with baby #2.
He needs to be a responsible partner and father and find something new before quitting. How could you even think you're being unreasonable!!? You are not. He needs to act like a grown up in this situation.
Well, as it sounds like you're aware: the economy is in the toilet right now. People are struggling to find jobs, so to willingly give one up would be really foolish in my opinion. Likewise, I really feel like it's easier to find work when you have work. If you're looking for a change, people are more interested in you, as oppose to "I don't have a job" then people wonder why you aren't currently working, ya know?
My BIL was laid off in December, 2 weeks before my sister delivered. It has definitely put a damper on her maternity leave. Likewise, she was hoping to take 4 extra weeks unpaid, and is now determining she must go back to work because of their financial situation. It's what needs to be done, but I know she's really sad about it. I would really encourage him to hold on.
100% this. Quitting a job without having another lined up is the action of an immature single person with no responsibilities.
You need to be honest with your DH . . . I personally think he needs to go out there and see what jobs are available. Also, he might feel better once he speaks with his boss and puts the rumors to rest.
It sounds like your DH works really hard and the manager probably really relies on him. He is probably worried about what his life will be like if your DH moves on. Just all hang in there. But I would be honest with each other.
How about a husband who had 5 young children (oldest was 13 at the time and is now currently 33), a house, and a wife who didn't work just one day up and quitting his job and was pretty much out of work until about 4 years ago. They lost their house, they lost their car all because he was a selfish a-hole. This is my husband's father I am talking about. But my MIL just went with it and fully supported my FILs decision to put his family and finances in peril because he was "unfulfilled" and "unhappy" at his job with a fairy good company. They are still in debt (and own a house way too big for them which they bought two years ago even though my FILs job is contractual) and my FIL won't be able to retire until he's in his mid-70's at this rate. All I ever hear from my MIL is how they have no money now even though my FIL works (yeah well- you're an idiot).
On a related note my husband was miserable, utterly and truly at his job for several years before he finally found a new one. I know he didn't want us to end up in the same financial straights as his parents put them in when he was young so he sucked it up and continued to work, going in every day and actually trying his best. In the end it probably helped him because the job he has now he never would have gotten without the fantastic recommendations of his bosses and co-workers. He stuck it out and I was proud of him for doing it and not being a big fat quitter like his dad.
You can be "supportive" but don't be complacent. He needs to do the right thing for your family and that means continuing to work and do his best while trying to find something else. You can help him find something better but he needs to just be a man and do the right thing that keeps you guys afloat.
This. A month or so ago DH was feeling similar things although there was no specific rumor or anything. Just a thankless job with no support from his boss - he's also an assistant manager in retail. Even though there were jobs to apply for I was pretty firm with him about just sticking it out. First of all, it's better to be with a company for a long period of time if you can, to show your dedication to the position. Second, for us, he is currently working on his MBA. So we have pretty much NO extra money between that and the LO coming. His current job is very secure while the other positions he looked at were mainly at the university, which to me is less secure (for the type of positions they were). He would really, really have to screw up to get fired and he is pretty safe from layoffs where he is now. Plus since it's a national chain he has the option of moving to corporate when he gets his MBA or moving anywhere to help look for a job in a bigger city once he's graduated.
I felt really bad being so firm about it but the job market is rough where we are (like it is everywhere) and any kind of move feels risky to me. Leaving a job with so much potential for growth and movement especially so. If your DH is being groomed for a promotion and can overcome this rumor then he will be fine. He needs to man up.
I think your DH is overreacting. He wants to make a decision that will affect nearly every single aspect of both of your lives based on a rumor that his boss believes a completely different rumor.
He needs to have his conversation with the boss, evaluate his prospects with that company, and decide what he wants to do. Having worked retail before, I can tell you that rumors are always part of the job, as are the ups and downs, demands, and expectations. If he's looking for a career change (out of retail), he needs to take his time and come up with a plan that suits his skills, and desires. If he just wants to switch companies, he needs to realize that it's going to be a crapshoot as to what his employers and his employees are going to be like - and there's going to be at least SOMEBODY (and probably several somebodies) that he doesn't particularly enjoy working with.
I will play the devil's advocate here. My husband and I both use to work full time. He had a job he hated, it made him miserable, etc. I am not the type of person to tell anyone what to do so after a long discussion, we decided he would quit his job, be a stay at home Dad, and I would continue to work full time. We both were aware that we needed to make some major changes financially to make it work, but his happiness was more important to me than any amount of money we could ever make. We cut down to one car, never used credit cards, decreased some of our bills to make up for the difference.
Now it is a little over a year later and we are happier than we have ever been, not missing the money at all. We went through IVF last spring, and he was able to make every appointment. We became pregnant on our own in the fall. He does everything at home: dinner, groceries, laundry, getting the nursery ready, cleaning, etc. I work my 8 hour day and come home and get to relax. He makes it to every OB appointment that I have, will be available to take care of me when I go into labor, and will be at home 27/7 after LO is born and we won't need daycare.
It truly has worked out perfectly for us. I do realize that not everyone is able to do this, but it has been a blessing in our home. I am very grateful to have a husband that is willing to do this.