Can someone please help me?! Anger issues w 3 yr old.

cs612

DD has always been extremely strong willed.  I have been divorced from her father for over a year and he only sees her 4 days a month.  She seems to do very well with me for the most part but she does not do very well around other children at daycare or at birthday parties, etc.  For the past 2 weeks, every time I pick her up, her daily reports say one or more of the following, can't keep her hands to herself, hit or pinched another child, had to sit out of an activity because she was screaming, would not listen to directions.  I am now in tears because I am at a total loss.  I know daycare and other parents are viewing her as that bully child and me as that parent who can't control their kid.  I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 7 months and he has a son 9 months older than her that she does very well with.  She will snap though for no reason and hit, scratch and pinch him out of nowhere.

I have read Love and Logic and I'm attending the classes and some of it is working wonders with her so I did write a letter to daycare that I will give them tomorrow hoping they can practice some of the principles with her.  I know some of the issues stem from the fact that her father has very bad anger mgmt issues which she totally picks up on and he basically tells her what to do and if she doesn't listen, he screams at her but I don't know how much is coming from that and how much isn't.  I took her to a behavioral specialist and they basically told me she was too young for counseling.  What do I do?!  Any suggestions would really be appreciated.  I am going through so much stress with as I mentioned in an earlier post commuting from Gtown to S. Austin as a single parent and then picking her up and getting these reports.  I get such limited time with her and I just want it to be spent not dealing with this.  Sorry for all the venting.

el_twirpo

oh, gosh. i have no advice. just wanted to offer some big hugs. i hope some of the other ladies can help.

Abinormal

Have you tried having a talk about expectations of behavior at daycare? Also, you could try setting up scenarios for her and helping her to pick the correct response to the situation. For example, you could say to her "What should you do if another child has a toy that you'd like to play with?" then, help her make the correct decision and give her some words that she can use rather than her hands. Also, on days that she comes home with no bad reports from daycare, make a HUGE deal out of her having a positive behavior day at daycare. You could even do a sticker chart or a small reward that she gets every time she has a "good" day at daycare. I think the lack of reward on the days where she doesn't do well, will be a good incentive for better behavior. Also, if the consequence is the lack of reward, you're still able to bring her home in the evening and spend positive, quality time with her, rather than having to address her negative behavior at school.

An excellent love and logic statement:

I am so sorry that you aren't getting your reward today, but you made the decision at school to do (insert negative behavior) instead of (insert appropriate behavior. It's very sad that you aren't getting your reward. I hope tomorrow you can make a better choice and then you can have your reward.

Emer

I'm sorry she's having such a tough time. I really like Love and Logic, but we've actually had more success with Say What You See. It's similar to l&l, but it is easier to communicate to younger kids, IMO. 

ali-1411

You could try role playing with her toys.  I do that with Layna sometimes, with her Princess dolls.  There's always a mean pirate who wants to trap the princesses.  So I have the pirate say things that happen on the playground.  Layna was upset when her friend was calling her a baby.  So the pirate was telling the princess, You're a baby. And I help her with things to say back.  Usually its, Whatever and  I don't care!  because I'm mature like that

mlf625

One of my close friends was having similar issues with her 3 y/o daughter at preschool.  The teacher was actually a bit concerned that she had a slight sensory issue that was leading to her outbursts.  My friend wasn't sure about that, but did take her to an OT for a consult.  The OT said it was very, very minor but was in agreement that it was probably causing the hitting and shoving that was happening at school.  She's had a few sessions and is getting glowing reports at school lately.

I doubt that's the issue, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask the teachers what they think or even consult an OT?  Just a thought.  

It's probably just normal "being 3" stuff, and believe me, I get that.  And I totally feel for you on the bad reports when you pick your kid up.  I SAH for the most part, but do utilize the gym day care for workouts and occasional work time.  DS is frequently in trouble when I come to get him and it's not only embarrassing, but makes me feel like a bad mom.  I like to just remind myself that DS's "spirited" personality will serve him well later in life.  MIL says DH was exactly this way when he was a toddler, and he's grown into a very kind, caring man - but definitely driven to succeed and win - which are good things as adults!    It's just a matter of surviving these crazy toddler years.  Hugs!