What a scumbag!

queenchelsea

 TL;DR Baby daddy drama has me scared he'll fight for custody if we break up. How do I tell him we're through without triggering a legal battle?

 

So I'm in a bit of a bind. I met my baby's father last fall and we started dating. I found out I was pregnant Christmas and told him after New Year's. He freaked out A LOT (gave himself blood ulcers), but I figured that was normal - we're two college students with dreams of our own and he was worried about finances. 

2 days later, I get a call from a girl claiming she's been dating him for a year, and that he just broke up with her, as well as breaking up with another lady, who'd been engaged to him for 3 (!!!!!!!) years. He confirmed that he was dating all three of us, as well as another that hadn't been told yet.

 DRAMA.

After a lot of arguing and discussion, I decided that I want to be on friendly terms with him, because he IS the father of my child, no matter what. However, I definitely don't want to pursue a romantic relationship and I think that by not kicking him out of my life, he thinks that we're still together.

How do I approach this one, ladies? I'm too kind to tell him to scram, and after my sister's legal issues with her BD I don't want to cause him to try and fight for custody. Any words of advice? Is it like a bandage; I just need to rip it off and get it overwith? 

sweetie0228

Stop being afraid of Court.  The court is not a big bad monster under your bed to scare you. 

1. You are not married, he has no legal rights to your uterus and it's contents.

2. When the child is born, he will still have no legal rights and in some states not even able to be put on the birth Certificate unless he signs an affidavit of paternity or has a DNA test for paternity.  AND in States like mine that still doesn't give him custody rights until a judge gives them, States like Dotmom has different rules.

3.  File for CS the moment you can after the child is born.

4. CS =/= custody or visitation they are separate issues

5. Court ordered visitation/custody is your friend.  You don't need to file for it everyone know the child is yours.  HE will need to file for it and pay for filing/court costs.

6.  Even if he does file for custody/visitation doesn't mean he will have 100% of the baby and you will be left out in the cold...(where does everyone get this fear) Unless you are actively turning tricks w/ a herion needle stuck in your arm AND selling drugs on the elementary playground you won't be losing custody.  ( check out the blended families board they have some Crazy biomothers w/ full residential custody if you don't believe me)

 

queenchelsea

Thank you! This is all sound advice. I tend to be very emotional (rather than logical) at the best of times, and these crazy hormones aren't helping. Do you advise I begin searching for a lawyer now, while it's still very early, or should I wait until it's certain I'll need one?

DHYGchica3

He sounds like a real winner... *sarcasm* I know you didn't know at the time, but just think, if this is the sh!t he is pulling now, imagine down the road if you let him stay the damage he could do.

Don't stay or play nice because you are afraid of confrontation. It might go south down the road even if you do walk on egg shells around him. You'll just end up kicking yourself later.

Like others said, you're not married he has no parental rights. So the cards are in your favor. I'd have a lawyer and plan in place if things don't stay peachy later on.

roxygulrjax

sweetie0228:

Stop being afraid of Court.  The court is not a big bad monster under your bed to scare you. 

1. You are not married, he has no legal rights to your uterus and it's contents.

2. When the child is born, he will still have no legal rights and in some states not even able to be put on the birth Certificate unless he signs an affidavit of paternity or has a DNA test for paternity.  AND in States like mine that still doesn't give him custody rights until a judge gives them, States like Dotmom has different rules.

3.  File for CS the moment you can after the child is born.

4. CS =/= custody or visitation they are separate issues

5. Court ordered visitation/custody is your friend.  You don't need to file for it everyone know the child is yours.  HE will need to file for it and pay for filing/court costs.

6.  Even if he does file for custody/visitation doesn't mean he will have 100% of the baby and you will be left out in the cold...(where does everyone get this fear) Unless you are actively turning tricks w/ a herion needle stuck in your arm AND selling drugs on the elementary playground you won't be losing custody.  ( check out the blended families board they have some Crazy biomothers w/ full residential custody if you don't believe me)

 

 

This was very comforting to me.  I know nothing about the legal system and family law and every time he speaks of court I get the hibby jibby's.  I honestly thought I wouldn't have to deal with this but it is painfully clear that I will.   

dmndsr4eva

I was not married when my son was born however I was in a relationship that has since ended.  What I really regret now is giving my son his dad's name.  Had I known the relationship was going to end in him leaving me for his younger cowoker I would have given my son my last name and not put his dad on the birth certificate.  Then when we were going through our break up he wouldn't have had any rights until he took a paternity test which would have bought me some time to get my stuff in order. 

In my state his dad had to sign and get notarized an affidavidit to be on the birth certificate since we were not married.

Given your circumstances I would not put his Dad's name on the birth certificate and I would not give him his Dad's last name.  You have all of the rights until the BD files for paternity testing and visitation.

nanabanana06

sweetie0228:

Stop being afraid of Court.  The court is not a big bad monster under your bed to scare you. 

1. You are not married, he has no legal rights to your uterus and it's contents.

2. When the child is born, he will still have no legal rights and in some states not even able to be put on the birth Certificate unless he signs an affidavit of paternity or has a DNA test for paternity.  AND in States like mine that still doesn't give him custody rights until a judge gives them, States like Dotmom has different rules.

3.  File for CS the moment you can after the child is born.

4. CS =/= custody or visitation they are separate issues

5. Court ordered visitation/custody is your friend.  You don't need to file for it everyone know the child is yours.  HE will need to file for it and pay for filing/court costs.

6.  Even if he does file for custody/visitation doesn't mean he will have 100% of the baby and you will be left out in the cold...(where does everyone get this fear) Unless you are actively turning tricks w/ a herion needle stuck in your arm AND selling drugs on the elementary playground you won't be losing custody.  ( check out the blended families board they have some Crazy biomothers w/ full residential custody if you don't believe me)

 

Listen to her. She be awesome! I have no other advice for you. GL! 

turtle1120

dmndsr4eva:

Given your circumstances I would not put his Dad's name on the birth certificate and I would not give him his Dad's last name.  You have all of the rights until the BD files for paternity testing and visitation.

Go talk to a lawyer.  This is not necessarily true.  In many places, including my state, even if the father acknowledges paternity and is on the birth certificate, he still has to go to court to get visitation if you were never married.  You will still have all rights until he takes you to court.

I do agree with giving LO your last name.  I did and have never regretted it.  However, if he's willing to sign the birth certificate and acknowledge paternity, it'll be easier for you when you file for child support.