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mcatmay
member
Favored parent?
mcatmay
member
As you can all tell from my posts, I'm going through a really tough time. I keep saying, "This too shall pass", like a mantra but i've spent most of the past three days in tears and I'm trying to see my way through all of this.
DD has continued her lack of interest in nursing. She'll nursed if she really has no other option - ie. at night when she's too tired to care or if i've stimulated letdown with the pump first. But it's work for her and she'd rather have the bottle.
Dad has become a favorite. Don't get me wrong, my husband is an INCREDIBLE father and husband. I don't say this lightly. I am AMAZED to be married to such a man and count my blessings every day. I completely understand why my daughter adores him because i'm head over heels in love with him. I love the bond they share. What's killing me slowly is that i don't get the smiles he gets anymore. The unbridled joy is reserved for him. She loves me and she loves hanging around with me but when dad is in the room, mom is chopped liver.
All of this has made for a really hard three days (i've been off work yesterday). I don't blame anyone - i know i've kept long hours at work, i know DH is an amazing father and i should count my blessing that DD gets to spend quality time with him when i'm working on weekends, and i know nursing is work for DD. I try so hard not to take this personally but, honestly, there are so many days that i just say, "today is the last day i breastfeed - perhaps DD will like me better if i don't force her to do something she won't like" or "today, i will quit my job" but i know it's not a financially viable option.
I don't know what i'm looking for - that this is a phase and my relationship with DD isn't ruined? That things will get easier?
I used to be this really strong person who never cried. Since having a child, i feel like the confident, strong-willed woman that my husband married isn't there and there is just this continually self-questioning, terrified-to-screw up woman instead. I had my sh*t together before going back to work, having adjusted to being a mom - i knew i could handle whatever happened with DD. Now I feel like going back to work has made me start from scratch. Sorry for the debbie downer message. Just can't seem to find my foothold in how to handle all of this with grace.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Favored parent?
Kids... Kids... They truly do go through phases, even this early on. Once you feel like you get a grip on things, they change the way they want things, perceive things, learn things. Its really all a part of their development.
I went back to work with DS at 3 1/2 months old. I struggled severely with waking him up at 4:30 am, how he would adjust to being dropped off and not seeing me as much, how we all would handle our nighttime routines etc. I even remember posting on here if it was safe to leave DS in his sleep sack and put him in the carseat. I really had no idea how I was going to handle everything and yet still maintain a happy baby at first. I really didn't gain the confidence that I had everything under control until about 6-8 weeks after going back to work and even then, there were some nights where I had to bring DS home and put him right to bed by 6.
I remember a few weeks, maybe even a month where DH had gained more confidence with DS and was having a lot of fun playing together and DS really did prefer him over me. Even now, there are just some things he much rather do for his dad than me. He behaves FAR better for DH. I can honestly tell DS to do something, show him how to do something, and no matter what it is, either he wants to do it himself or he waits until DH shows him how to do it and he'll repeat it. Its not that he prefers DH over me, but the dynamics are just different and babies sense when someone is stressed out. She may be picking up on this and seeing that your DH is calmer, more confident around her.
As far as the nursing... When DS went on a nursing strike (he also began biting) I didn't feel like it was really worth the tears both of us were going through to continue and just pumped. My supply tanked a bit but DS was doing solids and took formula without any issues. I didn't want to do formula at first but realized 1) EPing was not the end of the world (both of us were less stressed out over it & still reaping the benefits), 2) Formula wasn't the end of the world either. All in all if you want to continue to BF, I think the main thing is to relax. Maybe try a relaxation technique before doing it. It may bring on your letdown faster. Bottom line is you have to be a happy momma to have a happy kid. If you think EPing is your saving grace (which for some it is) then its ok. We promise its not the end of the world and your relationship with DD will not change. You'll always be her momma and one day she'll be very thankful that you went through such extrodinary efforts to give her the best start to her life.
The flip side to your situation - having DD think YOU are the best thing ever (something I'm dealing with) is cries every time daddy tries to do something. Or worse, now that she is so good verbally - no, it's MOMMY's TURN for every little thing. It's exhausting. It doesn't seem like there's a good happy medium, where I can get attention but not so much that it doesn't drive me a little bit nutty sometimes.
But also - I don't think your relationship with your DD is ruined. She has a favorite parent. I've heard that changes in phases. (Dear G-d, I'm hoping for a change in that phase myself.) So, she's daddy's girl right now. Appreciate that your DH is bonding with her so well. it wouldn't necessarily be any different if you were able to quit working, though. Try not to beat yourself up over something you can't control.
Dude, I feel ya. I know ppl say they go in phases, but seriously Sprout has *always* been a daddy's boy. "dada"/"papa" was said months & months before "mama." When daddy gets home, you'd think it was xmas. And, when daddy is home, I cannot not touch Sprout or daddy but definitely not when they are together (he'll push us apart if I'm giving daddy a hug & will push me away if I try to, say, wipe sprout's nose while daddy is holding him or give both of them a hug) And it's really hurt my feelings. And I've cried.
I'm trying to learn to accept that daddy is the favorite & look at the bright side as pointed out by QueSarh. But it's hard.
I think there is a myth out there that BFing is this amazing, bonding experience that will bring you and your LO closer forever. It's BS. Don't get me wrong. BFing is a valuable bonding experience in a lot of ways, but the bottom line is you're feeding your child. End of story. I know I had a lot of the same feelings you did when DD became a very distracted nurser. I was able to push through it simply because she was a fast nurser and was able to get on and off pretty quickly and she was satisfied. But, if she was slow and distracted I probably would've stopped a while ago because it was very frustrating. If you truly feel like the only way your DD will thrive is on BM, then keep going. But, formula is not evil and you are doing what is most important - feeding your child. My point is, it's OK to let go of this BFing ideal that you are doing it to bond with your child. I think if you focus on bonding in other ways - spending that time playing with her - you might be happier and she might be happier. You are not a failure, you are doing what's best for you.
Mothering does not come naturally to everyone, including myself, so go with your gut. And, it's OK that she favors your DH right now. I wouldn't stop BFing over that in particular, but the truth is happy moms lead to happy babies. If you're not happy because you're stressed all the time, you need to do what's best for you.
I felt this way too. In fact, I felt like a horrible mother because I didn't feel that way.
Thank you all for the encouragement and for, once again, making me feel like i'm not the only one struggling with these questions. Kastle and RomeRomance, thanks for your honesty about BF. I've enjoyed the bond with DD but i just don't feel like it's reciprocated anymore and wonder why i try so hard to push something that she's not excited about. There are some days that pumping seems so much easier, just because i don't get the emotional slap in the face.
Kastle, how do you deal with Sprout favoring DH? The thing i worry about is that i'm going to resent it and that DD is going to sense it. DH has left the room so that DD and I could have alone time - i don't want him to feel like he has to step away from the family for DD and I to have a relationship. That seems cruel and wrong. But even he admits that the smiles come easier for him and, when he was frustrated that i was upset again, i asked him, "how would you feel if the situation were reversed?"... he ruefully said, "i'd be destroyed".
I've got everyone on my side - even DD who is such a happy child and in love with life. But, dropping her off at daycare and having her grin at her DCP when i barely got a look all morning started the tears flowing again. I keep coming back to me and analyzing everything minutely and wondering what i'm doing wrong. DH is convinced that he gets more of her attention because he's more hands-off than i am - he'll read a book while she sits in her jumperoo. He told me to 'play hard to get' - that seems so backwards that i've balked at it.
We have 'favorite parent status' at our house and it changes by the week. Sometimes, I LOVE when DH is favorite parent because I can leave the house without her even caring! Don't be sad about it- all of a sudden you will become favorite parent and have to do everything.
Like, QueSarah- DD is very vocal about mommy's turn vs daddy's turn.
Total BS, at least for me. I'm counting the days until DD turns one and we can introduce whole milk. While at the same time, I'm totally frustrated that my supply is dipping and I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Breastfeeding is hard for most women (for different reasons). I know you've posted about this before, but I can't remember if you have seen a lactation consultant for this issue? If not, it may be worth it before going to EPing.
Also, I think what the PP (I can't remember who it was) said about her picking up on your stress is a good point. As hard as it is, just try to relax and enjoy her company. You don't need to be interacting with her every sec you are with her, she may find that overwhelming. I learned this lesson the hard way too. DH was much more laid back and I used to feel like I needed to be doing something with her every minute. It took me awhile to realize that she needed her personal space just like I do.
It's clear that you are an amazing mom. As hard as it is, just take a deep breath and try to relax.
First off, you're not doing anything wrong. All your posts here indicate that you're a good mom.
It's something I'm still struggling with, to be honest, and Sprout is 1.5 (granted, it's gotten really bad in the past few months...the pushing away thing really breaks my heart).
Overall, I'm trying to internalize that we all have different relationships with our parents. Just because he gets SO excited to see daddy or wants to spend more of his time with daddy, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I'm trying to cultivate time/activities that are things only between us. Because I stay home w/ Sprout part time, I really encouraged my husband to do bath time & bed time so that could be their special time together. I'm starting to work on doing the same for me so that mom has "special time" not just "time."
For example, Sprout now helps me "cook" dinner. I'll put him in our backpack carrier & he'll watch me chop (or I'll pull his high chair up & give him a mini-cutting board & his fake tomato to pretend to chop too) and then he'll help me stir, put away dishes (the plastic ones in low cabinets) and that kind of thing. He loves it and it makes me feel like we are connecting. I'm trying to make it "our" thing that we do several times a week. It doesn't get me the complete worship he gives his daddy but it gives me enough.
Now, I realize your baby is too young for that but maybe think about ways you can connect to her that are *different* than your husband.
Good luck.
I am sorry it has been so hard for you lately. If the BF'ing is so hard maybe you could just pump, not to mention that formula is not the devil. I was SO upset when all I could do is pump for the girls and I only lasted at that for 6 weeks but looking back it is really no big deal to me anymore - so something that seems so huge to you now and in the moment can just fade as time goes by and other challenges pop up. What are you worried will happen if you stop BF'ing? I think the answer to that will help you decide what is best for you and LO.
I doubt she is resenting you for trying to make her bf. Often Daddy's are just more fun for some reason - I know a lot of babies that have been like this and they do grow out of it. I could make the same stupid faces and the girls would just look at me like I was crazy while Daddy got the big belly laughs. Truthfully, for me, I was glad for the break and happily handed them over so I could cook dinner, or go to the bathroom or even *gasp* shower for more than 5 minutes. I know you miss her because you are working now but maybe you could do more of the caretaking while Daddy does the playtime - I think both are bonding experiences that are important. By feeding and bathing and rocking her everyday you are bonding just as much as those who get the smiles - you are are showing her you are there for her needs and she will be taken care of.
One thing I thought of that might be why this is bothering you so much is if your love language is when people respond to you or physically show that they love you. Then you might not be feeling the love from LO. For me, it just never bothered me as much because I like to show love by taking care of people (like cooking for people or cleaning the whole house etc) so I think I was fulfilled by just taking care of my kids' needs.
Good luck, the first year is super hard for most of us. I don't think I felt like a human being again until the kids each hit 18mo. And truly it is only maybe the past 6 mo that I feel like a functioning, worthwhile adult again because the kids are physically easier and I have been getting back into all the things I love to do for me like reading books, working out, knitting.crocheting, etc.
This is an excellent point. My love languages are something like time & touch. neither of which sprout wants to give me, LOL!
I just want to echo everyone else and say you are doing a great job. Being a mom isn't easy (working or SAH). There are so many challenges with both. In our house I am most favored parent to both children and honestly it's ridiculously hard and I wish the favored love was spread around more. DH gets all grouchy because he tries so hard but DD is all about girls. And DS, when he wants comfort, he generally wants a breast, something DH can't provide.
We've worked hard to create special DH time with both kiddos. He now does bath for both, stories with DD and I stopped nightly cuddles with DD so DH can have them. On weekends they sometimes have a little adventure all together and I stay home to get stuff done around the house. It's made a lot of things better. Like Kastle said, carving out your special time with DD will really help. At your LOs age maybe a daily story and song - if you work late, maybe you can call home and do it over the phone or via Skype/Facetime. Create a little ritual that is about the both of you. Your DD doesn't know weekdays from weekends so don't sweat your schedule. Just make the most of the time you do have. I will say, I can't be around the LOs when DH has special time with them. I leave the room so there is no distraction. I don't know if you can ask your DH to do the same. Rituals take a while to take a hold, but once they do, man do little kids live by them.
Also, I remind my DH about this all the time. They are babies. They aren't adults creating a clique, they are little tiny innocent babies. And they don't mean to hurt us.
the 1st 6mo are really really hard, heck, the 1st year is very hard. Don't beat yourself up. Do try to relax before BFing. Maybe cuddle 1st (have your DH leave you 2 alone) before BFing.
I have to say that for me, BFing really was the wonderful bonding experience you read about. My boobs were the magic cure for so many things. She is still very young and I would encourage you not to give up BFing b/c it may come in really handy when she's older and needs comfort.
As for the favorite parent, it really does change - often! Take that time to do something for you.
I just wanted to echo what the others said that it sounds like you are doing a great job. Kids do change back and forth between their favorite so it will be your turn at some point I promise. It may not be next week but it will happen.
As far as the BFing, I quit BFing/Pumping with both kids when I felt that the toll that it took on me (physically, emotionally, and/or time-wise) outweighed the benefits that my baby and I would get if I stopped. For DD#1, that was around 10 weeks and for DD#2, it was around 14 months. I'm not saying you should quit but I am saying to evaluate the importance of it and what would change if you weren't trying to BF/pump. These aren't easy decisions. As mom's, we have to evaluate situations as a whole and look at everyone's needs in the family to decide what's best. So, I would just take a step back and think about what changes can be made to make you feel better about the situation overall.
You have gotten great advice here so I won't revisit all of that, but I wanted to ask (please don't take offense - this is from a place of kindness and consideration!) if you have been evaluated for PPD or PPA.
I had a lot of the same doubts and struggles and waves of tears, and when my OB diagnosed PPD and I started meds it changed the way I felt about motherhood and erased a lot of my doubts and fears.
Again, please don't take offense and I'm only saying it because I see a lot of the same concerns and doubts that I had in your posts.
And rest assured, you are a great mom. A bad mom wouldn't even think to ask the questions you ask--she'd just go along without thinking it through.
And baby will prefer you at some point. LO has gone back and forth, and sometimes it's even in the same day. It sucks when both DH and I pick him up from daycare and DCP says "go to Mommy!" and he buries his head in her shoulder and then perks up when she says "go to Daddy!" But Daddy feels left out sometimes, too.
I can tell you the favorite parent did change for us, with all three of my kids, several times over the years. It kills me that right now DH is DS's favorite - he's my last baby and I want to HOLD MY BABY dammit but he wants DH to hold him. Boo.
It does change and it does get better and I used to never cry unless someone died... and then I became a mom and I cry a lot more. I've learned to accept it but I think DH is still waiting for that to go away - maybe it never will. I think to myself, "oh who cares if I cry a lot now." I mean really, who cares? Nobody's judging that about me, except me.
Hang in there - big hugs to you!!!
ETA: I think you'll drive yourself crazy if you try to analyze WHY one parent is the favorite over the other at any given time. IMO it has nothing to do with how many hours you work because that could go either way (either "mommy is never home, so when she is home, I will reject her" vs. "mommy is always home, so I'm sick of her, so I will reject her"). DH is not the fave because you're working a lot lately.
Mssaint, thank you for bringing it up. Maybe it was fortuitous that you brought it up when you did. I was going to a general practitioner's for the first time because my knees have been hurting and she was doing a thorough workup and smiled and said, "I see that you've had a baby - Congratulations! How are things going?"... and i broke down into tears. I had just read your suggestion and decided maybe i needed more help.
I don't know, we'll see where this goes. All I want is to be the best mother and wife I can be for the two people that light up my life. They deserve that.
Thank you all for your responses. I'm going to mark this thread and re--visit it. You've made me feel a lot better in general. I'm going to carve out some time for the little girl and I and try to stress less about life in general. As for the breastfeeding, i won't quit on a bad day but i'll keep thinking about where to go from here.
One of the ladies on my BMB calls it "the biggest mindfvck no one tells you about".
You hear all this stuff about how it's supposed to be, how you're supposed to feel, and then if it doesn't happen that way you feel like a complete failure as a mom.
About the favored parent, I totally can see where you are coming from. It's actually opposite in our house - I SAH with H all day and when DH comes home, she hangs around me and whines and cries if I go to another room. It can be maddening honestly, for both of us. Me because I've just spent an entire day with her and mama needs a break. For DH because he's been gone all day and she isn't satisfied with just him. So, I guess either way the scenario works out, it stinks for one parent or the other, and it's ok to feel sad, mad, frustrated, whatever.
I just wanted to echo this part - I've continued to BF not becuase of the bonding or because I love it, but honestly, because I feel guilty letting my milk go away and not giving him the "best" nutrition I can. I know logically this is rediculous, but, here we are.
I think PPs have given a lot of great advice on everything. You are doing a fantastic job and honestly, being a mom is a million times harder and more stressful than I ever imagined.
I'm surprised at how I've turned into a super-easy crier and that I can agonize over the smallest decisions related to DS. I never used to be very emotional or indecisive and that bothers me because I think on some level those changes make me feel less strong or less capable sometimes. I'm really trying to get myself to understand that my pre-baby expectations of myself have got to be different than my current ones, but it's tough.
I haven't read through all the other responses, so I'm sorry if I repeat. First, a BIG hug to you. Please know that we have all been there in some way. I think I've told you this before, but going back to work is very hard and you need lots of time to adjust. I'd say each time it took me 8-10 weeks, at least, to feel even remotely in a grove. I've been back a year since DD2s ML ended and I still feel out of sorts some days.
I am not a crier by nature, but since having kids I am all over the place. Just like your body, hair and skin can change during/after pregnancy, so can the way you process things. Having a baby changes us and there is a learning curve to figuring out the new you, your new baby and your relationship. Your relationship with your DD is going to go through so many changes and you have to remember that she has her own personality too (so not everything is on you).
I am (for the most part) the favored parent and that has it's challenges (hello, I'm the only one who can get a crying baby to sleep at night. it svcks.). Sometimes I just want a break and all I get are crying, screaming children.
To address your bfing concerns....here's what I would suggest. Since it really seems to be a struggle, maybe you should consider exclusive pumping for a while (but continue to offer so that your DD knows it's available). Both my DDs went through distracted phases, though none as long as yours seems to be. There are plenty of moms who have temporarily switched to EPing and then been able to relactate. BFing is an emotional experience and it can get us all caught up and we miss the long view. Take a breath and try to figure out what it truly means to you. Throw out your timeline goals and figure out what your are getting from it.
By the very fact that you ask so many questions and think about so many things shows that you are a great mom. I am an overthinker (which, based on your posts, I think you are too). It is so hard to turn your brain off sometimes, but I have really tried with DD2 to be more go with the flow. It has helped me tremendously - I enjoy my kids and my life much more. If you need some help in getting there, talk to your OB.