Tips Tricks on how not to be intimidated by Ex

starbundle

We have a new visitation schedule and I now have to do pick-ups from his place. he wants me to do things his way (where I should park, how I should handle the pick-ups) and I've refused, I'm doing pickups the way its comfortable for me. so now he's back to trying to goad me into arguing and just trying to physically intimidate me...He comes outside and hovers around me while I'm packing up the kids and getting them squared away in the car. 

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but I need more then "just ignore it". Anyone else have a troublesome ex, how do you handle it? do you just let them talk themselves out... not respond.

The hovering part is the most annoying. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being nervous, but him just staring at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, does make me nervous. Did I mention he loves to videotape me...that makes me even more nervous. It's just creepy and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. 

rawrandstuffx10

I think Id be taking him back to court, videotaping you?? That would be too much for me.

However, with that being said Im new to this situation and dont even know if you can take him to court for things like this? Im not sure.

Maybe try to call a lawyer to figure out or someone at the courthouse, tell them he is intimidating and if there is a history of abuse that you are nervous he may do it again?

GL.

turtle1120

Ummmm video taping you is taking it a little too far.  In most states it's illegal to videotape someone without their consent.  I'd talk to your lawyer and see what you can do to put an end to that.  Also, if you're so uncomfortable, I'd recommend doing the exchanges in a public place.  Again, talk to a lawyer and see what you can do to make some changes.

Crystal318

My ex is difficult and manipulative. He knows that until we get a custody agreement in place (we go to court on 02/28), I am trying not to piss him off, in fear that he will take off with LO when it is his time to visit with him. I know he would do this just to spite me. Everyday it is something new with him. Who is filing LO on thier taxes(I am with LO 95% of the time - who do you think?) We need to take LO out of day care because he gets sick too often (who else will watch him, genius?). LO cant be around my dad because he is on drugs (he is prescibed to them for his CANCER). Showing up at my house unannounced. Telling me that so and so are telling him that I am scared of him and that I told the cops that I would never let LO see him again. Trying to make me believe that he cant get off drugs without being with his family (me and LO). We need to just move out of state and he will be a changed man. Lying about when the last time he gave me money for LO. I can go on and on and on.

I am in the beginning stages of all this as well. The only trick I can tell you is to try to be very short with him. Yes. No. Okay. You dont have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (J.A.D.E.) anything to him. I learned this acronym in Alanon and I love it. As soon as he learns that you are not falling for his tactics anymore - he will most likely go find someone else to torture!

Good Luck.

DHYGchica3

luckystarz:

He also says things like, 'I know you don't want to go back to mommy, but you have too' when clearly my son is not saying a word in the car. I just ignore him or stare at him. We exchange in a public place, a police station more specifically, because he has threatened to kill me and our original judge refused to give me a protective order.  

  Wow, just wow. My jaw dropped.

 

OP, You need to just be firm with him. I'd probably say "Excuse me, do you get the concept of personal space?" And then tell him to either help get the kids in the car or back off. And the video taping is totally stalker-ish.

If it would make you feel better, take a couple self defense classes. Part of not being intimidated is knowing how to protect yourself and your kids if you had to. Having that knowledge alone might make you feel more confident. He's pretty much feeding off of the fact that you are insecure, and if you stop feeding into it he won't get much out of it.

achase123

What the what??  He's videotaping you?  I call MUD.  If it's not, OP, call the police.  That's ridiculous you're putting up with that.

sweetie0228

If this isn't MUD,

1. I would change the pu/do to be at a Police station.

2. I would always have someone with me.  My Father/Brother/ Burly Husband of a good Friend/ etc.

3. no talking just do your business and leave.

I like the PP's  J.A.D.E. acronym.  It's perfect.  No is a complete sentence.

Also I had an entirely different perpective on the situation when I realizes I wasn't part of the relationship anymore.  I don't have to have the same arguements anymore, I don't have live in fear anymore b/c I get to LEAVE. 

Once I realized this, I pittied my ex. I saw the behaviors like I would a toddler's tantrums.  And the grasping at straws for anything hold onto control was pathetic.

 

JCGreene85

I agree with everyone else. It would be a cold day in he!l if someone was videotaping me. I would also take someone to pick up/drop off with me. He is less likely to harass you if you have someone with you. 

starbundle

Thanks guys, the JADE thing is really helpful. No, unfortunately, not MUD. He's been vidoetaping me throughout our separation. He just pulls out his phone and starts recording....It's not cool, but during the separation I was trying not to rock the boat. Now that I'm divorced from his psycho a$$ I want it to stop. Having someone come with me doesn't help, he just tries to fight with them.

It's all so stupid. I just wish he would do what the co-parenting class recommended and keep things business like. Hes still looking for a fight, now I have to learn that I don't need to engage. 

The police station exchanges was mentioned to me by a friend, and I'm going to discuss it with my attorney, see if it's possible to amend our custody arrangement or if we have to go court again.