DS doesn't like DH :/

His(1&only)wife

I'm not sure what to do or if anyone has experienced this.  DS has an ASD dx and is sensory seeking.  I am a SAHM and DH works a 9-5 so he sees DS about 3 hours every night and then all weekend.  They do great together if I am not home but if I am it's downhill.

DS won't let DH do anything for him if I'm home.  This includes getting him milk, giving him food, reading him books, and lately even talking him.  If DH tries to ask him if he wants something like "Quinn do you want milk?"  Quinn will get upset and say "No, mommy milk".  If DH gets him milk he will cry real tears until DH either gives me the milk to give to him or puts it back in the fridge.  He gets upset if DH tries to comfort him if he hurts himself.  Tonight he fell down and I was picked him up because I was closer, DH asked if he was okay and he started crying even harded saying "no mommy ok".

He'll play with DH if they are in a different room but every now and then I hear him yell at DH and get made about things that he lets me do. 

I'm not sure what to do to fix this?  Tonight during bedtime routine he was being mean to DH and we were discussing that we should be nice to daddy because we love him and he said "no love daddy".  While I don't think he even grasps what love actually is or what it means I know it hurt DH's feelings.

Does anyone have any insight?  I'm not sure if it is because he is so routine driven that he is used to me doing everything for him and when DH comes home it messes that up.  If it's that they are so similar they don't interact well.  I'm not sure if it is speech delay.  I'm just at a loss and it's stressful.  I not only feel bad for DH and DS for having these issues but also because I never get a break unless I leave the house alone.  I'd like to be able to hang out with my family and be able to relax at the same time.

I hope this made sense it's been a rough day all around and tonight was just the breaking point.

Spockles

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that we're in the same situation. DS has autism.

DS wants NOTHING to do with DH. He throws a fit if DH tries to feed him, change his diaper, get him dressed, etc...when I'm home, but will allow it if I'm not home. He is always pushing DH away from him. DS doesn't like if me and DH hug each other. He would always push us apart and wrap his little arms around me like I'm only his. He has started getting a few words and recently started saying "no! mama" when me and DH hug and then he gets upset. We include him in group hugs and he just pushes DH away.

Like your situation, it makes DH feel bad. He thinks that DS doesn't like him.

I will definitely be watching this thread to see what others are experiencing.

realisticdreams

Spockles:

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that we're in the same situation. DS has autism.

DS wants NOTHING to do with DH. He throws a fit if DH tries to feed him, change his diaper, get him dressed, etc...when I'm home, but will allow it if I'm not home. He is always pushing DH away from him. DS doesn't like if me and DH hug each other. He would always push us apart and wrap his little arms around me like I'm only his. He has started getting a few words and recently started saying "no! mama" when me and DH hug and then he gets upset. We include him in group hugs and he just pushes DH away.

Like your situation, it makes DH feel bad. He thinks that DS doesn't like him.

I will definitely be watching this thread to see what others are experiencing.

This sounds like Peyton!  She doesn't want H to hug me either and gets angry!

She loves her daddy to death but generally speaking in her eyes he can't do anything like I can lol. He's going to be gone 90% of the time with this new job and im scared how it's going to affect her.  So i'm watching this thread too!

kar5162

Has this been going on long? Is it only always mommy? I see Auntie's concern about ASD, but know that this is also very typical 2-3 year old behavior - 2-3 year olds are routine focused and learning about connection and relationships and control. We know 8 kids well who are all between 2 and 3 right now and they all do this. The ones who have SAHMs tend to focus on the mom as the "must have". DS tends to go between us, but it's often I only want X person. DS's PTs both have 2.5 year olds and they say the same thing. 

It's been a little worse while I've been on maternity leave, partly I think because I'm around more and therefore more familiar to him, but also because I get used to a certain way and, without thinking about it, tend to interfere too much to "help" DH do things the way DS and I generally do things. I try really hard to stop this whenever I notice I'm doing this. It's easy enough to just say oh this is how DS likes X without thinking about it, but ultimately I'm sabatoging DH's ability to do things his own way and DS's exposure to different things and ways and understanding that different is great.

One of the things that's worked best for me is to leave them in a different room and let them find their own ways that work for them. For occasional meals, bedtime, play time, etc. In many ways this is a repeat of when DS was very tiny and DH had to start putting him to bed while I was at school occasionally. They both learned that the bedtime routine could be different for different people, etc.

Spockles

-auntie-:

You need to nip this in the bud. For a lot of reasons.

1. Men whose kids make them feel unappreciated and unconnected have one less reason to stay. Add in a stressed out wife who is consumed by her kids' needs and you have a perfect storm for a marriage on the rocks. The divorce rate for parents of autistic kids isn't as high as some ridiculous reports suggest (80%? seriously?), but it does happen. Don't let it happen to you.

2. You son's behavior is a function of anxiety- a desire to control and order his world. All anxiety driven behaviors need to be addressed proactively because they tend to create a dysfunctional cycle of hypervigilence and more "what if" anxiety.

3. A small piece of this is likely driven by his inability to understand the social constructed hierarchy of the family and their roles. He needs you to teach this. Kids who don't understand their role as child have significant difficulties in school with teachers who find them impudent and with peers who don't realted to a kid who doesn't realize he's a kid.

4. Related to #4, a kid who thinks he's the same as an adult often takes on grownup reponsibilities in terms of worry and bossing peers around.

5. And finally, part of why he does this is because it's easier. Moms, epsecially SAHMs, become the interpreter in the world for their child who can't make sense of what goes on in it. If you allow this to continue, he will get less practice trying to read social communication.

DS's went through this phase pre-dx. And while we were able to get past the anti-daddy nonsense, DS still preferred me and spent a great deal of emotional energy trying to have me to himself. This was the very first thing we worked on in therapy.

Some tips.

1. Teach your son about the roles of parents as primary particpants in the family with a special love bond. Treat your DH demonstratively and affectionately.

2. Have your DH's back. One of the most effective strategies for us has been to jump all over DS for discourtesy around the other person. In the early days it was me saying "Don't be mean to daddy. He's my boyfriend and it makes me sad when people aren't nice to him." but when DS got older and mouthy DH jumped all over him for being unkind to me. I have never had to go down the path of nagging my kid for being a toolbag to me because DH has it covered more effectively than I ever could.

3. Accept that your son doesn't need you in the way that he thinks he does but that learning the lesson is going to involve real tears. On the other side, he'll be a more resilient kid who can enjoy his father. It's worth  a few tears.

4. Plan for your DH to take over bedtime at least twice a week. You may have to build up to this with daddy outings and short intervals while you do something else. Use a visual organizer so DS knows it's a "daddy day". Leave the building if your being there undermines your DH's chance of success. It might take a few weeks before you don't have to leave, but it's worth it.

There's so much your DS can learn from this that can be globalized later to school and other relationships. Your son needs to understand how family relationships work and where he fits in. He needs to learn to accept care and direction from people who are not you. He needs to learn to be OK when things don't work as he would have liked or expected.

Thanks auntie!! DH has started giving DS his bath and brushing his teeth at night, but immediately when he gets out of the bath, DS wants me and calls for me. DH always brings him to me. I would like to get him to the point of just doing it while I relax (that sounds so selfish!) Another issue with my DH is that he gets irritated by DS acting this way and often spazzes out (which is so inappropriate to me- I do think my DH might be on the spectrum though- the spazzing out seems like an adult tantrum to me. For example: over the weekend DH was getting DS up in the morning and he wears a brace at night for his clubfoot. DS wouldn't let DH take the brace off and he was calling "mama"- DH got mad and left DS in the room and slammed his door and came and told me that he wouldn't let him take his brace off)

Help! These types of situations happen often. It drives me crazy!

His(1&only)wife

kar5162:

Has this been going on long? Is it only always mommy

It's not new it's just gotten more noticeable since he is becoming verbal.  He has always wanted me to do things for him over DH.  Also it's ONLY DH.  He will let my parents and MIL do things for him when I am around that he won't let DH do.  He also used to get upset when DH and I would hug and would try to separate us.

If I leave them in another room DS will come and find me if he wants something even if DH could do it for him.  Such as getting him milk, or if he gets hurt he will come find me.

His(1&only)wife

-auntie-:

You need to nip this in the bud. For a lot of reasons.

1. Men whose kids make them feel unappreciated and unconnected have one less reason to stay. Add in a stressed out wife who is consumed by her kids' needs and you have a perfect storm for a marriage on the rocks. The divorce rate for parents of autistic kids isn't as high as some ridiculous reports suggest (80%? seriously?), but it does happen. Don't let it happen to you.

2. You son's behavior is a function of anxiety- a desire to control and order his world. All anxiety driven behaviors need to be addressed proactively because they tend to create a dysfunctional cycle of hypervigilence and more "what if" anxiety.

3. A small piece of this is likely driven by his inability to understand the social constructed hierarchy of the family and their roles. He needs you to teach this. Kids who don't understand their role as child have significant difficulties in school with teachers who find them impudent and with peers who don't realted to a kid who doesn't realize he's a kid.

4. Related to #4, a kid who thinks he's the same as an adult often takes on grownup reponsibilities in terms of worry and bossing peers around.

5. And finally, part of why he does this is because it's easier. Moms, epsecially SAHMs, become the interpreter in the world for their child who can't make sense of what goes on in it. If you allow this to continue, he will get less practice trying to read social communication.

DS's went through this phase pre-dx. And while we were able to get past the anti-daddy nonsense, DS still preferred me and spent a great deal of emotional energy trying to have me to himself. This was the very first thing we worked on in therapy.

Some tips.

1. Teach your son about the roles of parents as primary particpants in the family with a special love bond. Treat your DH demonstratively and affectionately.

We definitely do this.  DH and I are very affectionate with each other and Quinn.  We hug often and have "family hugs".  We also make a point to not argue in front of DS or raise our voices and to present a united front.

2. Have your DH's back. One of the most effective strategies for us has been to jump all over DS for discourtesy around the other person. In the early days it was me saying "Don't be mean to daddy. He's my boyfriend and it makes me sad when people aren't nice to him." but when DS got older and mouthy DH jumped all over him for being unkind to me. I have never had to go down the path of nagging my kid for being a toolbag to me because DH has it covered more effectively than I ever could.

I have also been working on this for several months.  I talk to DS about not being mean or being nice to daddy.  I tell him that daddy is important and we love daddy and want to be nice to him.  I also tell him that daddy loves him and wants to help him and play/feed/do things with him.  Everytime he tries to shut DH down I verbalize with DS that his daddy can do it.  If DS is having a good day than telling him "mommy can't do it now but daddy can" will work.

3. Accept that your son doesn't need you in the way that he thinks he does but that learning the lesson is going to involve real tears. On the other side, he'll be a more resilient kid who can enjoy his father. It's worth  a few tears.

I do need to move past my feelings when he cries to realize that it's ok if it happens every now and then in a constructive manner that helps his anxiety and control issues.

4. Plan for your DH to take over bedtime at least twice a week. You may have to build up to this with daddy outings and short intervals while you do something else. Use a visual organizer so DS knows it's a "daddy day". Leave the building if your being there undermines your DH's chance of success. It might take a few weeks before you don't have to leave, but it's worth it.

We were able to do this for a few months, from about Sept-Nov, and then DS got sick and it all went away.  He went right back to only wanting me for bedtime.  I should add that DH is involved in bedtime and we each have our "jobs" and are both in the room with DS during the process.  This weekend will be a good time to work on my not being in there though.

There's so much your DS can learn from this that can be globalized later to school and other relationships. Your son needs to understand how family relationships work and where he fits in. He needs to learn to accept care and direction from people who are not you. He needs to learn to be OK when things don't work as he would have liked or expected.

Thanks so much for all your help.  I emailed it to DH so we can discuss a game plan this evening

ash2

kar5162:

Has this been going on long? Is it only always mommy? I see Auntie's concern about ASD, but know that this is also very typical 2-3 year old behavior - 2-3 year olds are routine focused and learning about connection and relationships and control. We know 8 kids well who are all between 2 and 3 right now and they all do this. The ones who have SAHMs tend to focus on the mom as the "must have". DS tends to go between us, but it's often I only want X person. DS's PTs both have 2.5 year olds and they say the same thing. 

It's been a little worse while I've been on maternity leave, partly I think because I'm around more and therefore more familiar to him, but also because I get used to a certain way and, without thinking about it, tend to interfere too much to "help" DH do things the way DS and I generally do things. I try really hard to stop this whenever I notice I'm doing this. It's easy enough to just say oh this is how DS likes X without thinking about it, but ultimately I'm sabatoging DH's ability to do things his own way and DS's exposure to different things and ways and understanding that different is great.

One of the things that's worked best for me is to leave them in a different room and let them find their own ways that work for them. For occasional meals, bedtime, play time, etc. In many ways this is a repeat of when DS was very tiny and DH had to start putting him to bed while I was at school occasionally. They both learned that the bedtime routine could be different for different people, etc.

 

I agree with this completely. Not to say that his ASD diagnosis doesn't play a role, but even my NT DD does this. I too, am a SAHM, and we go through this quite often. For instance, my DD refuses to let DH put her to bed at night. If she even thinks he is going to do it, she screams and cries. She will talk about daddy all day, but sometimes when he comes home from work, she will shy away. I think its just part of normal 2-3 year old behavior. My DS, who has an ASD diagnosis, often prefers me more because of the "routine" we have. He knows what to expect and how we do things and when DH tries to do things that are different from his so-called norm, he doesn't like it and runs to me. It definitely helps for me to leave them alone. DH will often take DS at night and go play in his room while I take care of DD so he gets the one on one time with him. 

Deborah621

Yeah I was going to say too this sounds a lot like almost any 2 year old, perhaps a little more intense because of the Autism and the need for routine/sameness. My son (who has ASD) is like this with me, not to the same extent as yours, but if I am around he only wants me to give him a bath, put him to bed, etc. I work Friday evening and all day Saturday and he is very happy to be with DH at that time. He will not refuse food from anyone however lol. But I remember my nephew and niece being the same way with my SIL at that age, and they are both typical. DS also doesn't like it when DH and I hug, gets jealous, but again my nephew was the same way at 2.

Justinlove

While it may be somewhat typical of the age, I think the concern (and correct me if I am wrong auntie and other ASD experts) is that ASD kids tend to get stuck in a routine and that they don't "outgrow" behaviors like this as easily as other kids.  So, if allowed to go on, the problem becomes much more difficult to work out.  Auntie has talked a lot about intentional sabotage so that the child can begin to learn how to handle different situations.  I think learning to deal with changes in routine is good for all kids--but especially for those who are prone to rituals (such as many ASD kids). 

His(1&only)wife

Justinlove:

While it may be somewhat typical of the age, I think the concern (and correct me if I am wrong auntie and other ASD experts) is that ASD kids tend to get stuck in a routine and that they don't "outgrow" behaviors like this as easily as other kids.  So, if allowed to go on, the problem becomes much more difficult to work out.  Auntie has talked a lot about intentional sabotage so that the child can begin to learn how to handle different situations.  I think learning to deal with changes in routine is good for all kids--but especially for those who are prone to rituals (such as many ASD kids). 

Yes this is it exactly.  His behavior in this manner is extreme and goes beyond that of my friend's NT kids who do similar things.  I know that all kids prefer one parent but the intensity with which DS reacts is much different.

bugmommy

His(1&only)wife:

Justinlove:

While it may be somewhat typical of the age, I think the concern (and correct me if I am wrong auntie and other ASD experts) is that ASD kids tend to get stuck in a routine and that they don't "outgrow" behaviors like this as easily as other kids.  So, if allowed to go on, the problem becomes much more difficult to work out.  Auntie has talked a lot about intentional sabotage so that the child can begin to learn how to handle different situations.  I think learning to deal with changes in routine is good for all kids--but especially for those who are prone to rituals (such as many ASD kids). 

Yes this is it exactly.  His behavior in this manner is extreme and goes beyond that of my friend's NT kids who do similar things.  I know that all kids prefer one parent but the intensity with which DS reacts is much different.

Both of my kids (with ASD) went through a stage of this too and it was much more intense than my friends with typical kids.  I totally agree with Auntie and this is unknowingly what we did to move past it.  I also wanted to add that if you and DH are "routine" types of people you are going to have to constantly monitor yourselves.  DH likes to do things exactly the same way every evening and it fed into DS#1's idea that everything must be the same.  Until the first night it wasn't and all holy heck broke lose.  So make sure you mix up jobs, order of events, etc. until he gets the idea the sky won't fall down if you do this.  There were tears but I can freely say that my DSs have a much closer relationship to DH now because of it. 

His(1&only)wife

bugmommy:

Both of my kids (with ASD) went through a stage of this too and it was much more intense than my friends with typical kids.  I totally agree with Auntie and this is unknowingly what we did to move past it.  I also wanted to add that if you and DH are "routine" types of people you are going to have to constantly monitor yourselves.  DH likes to do things exactly the same way every evening and it fed into DS#1's idea that everything must be the same.  Until the first night it wasn't and all holy heck broke lose.  So make sure you mix up jobs, order of events, etc. until he gets the idea the sky won't fall down if you do this.  There were tears but I can freely say that my DSs have a much closer relationship to DH now because of it. 

My DH has Aspergers so yes he is very routine driven!!  I have adapted to his ways over the 10 years we've been together.  Although we didn't know he had AS until this last year.  I think that is definitely part of the problem when it comes to DS issues because he and DH are so freaking similar.  This is definitely going to be a challenge for both of them.