Keeping DH in "the zone"?

AustinBride06

Ok, I'm kinda at my wit's end here.  I'm trying very very hard not to get frustrated, especially outwardly frustrated, but sometimes I can't help it.

Prior to TTC, DH and I had slowly but surely slid into a pattern of not having much sex at all.  There were some months (before I started charting) when I questioned taking the pill at all because there wasn't anything to prevent.  After our surprise first pregnancy and miscarriage we started "trying" and got pregnant on the third cycle with one try on the day of ovulation. Kind of a miracle since I ovulated any time between cd14 and cd27.

After the second miscarriage, once we were cleared to TTC, we tried timed intercourse as much as we could.  But when DH knows that he has to perform, he has trouble.  No matter what I say/try/do/wear either it takes 2-3 hours or he gets SO close and can't finish.  I've tried texting/emailing him provocative notes/photos, watching videos with him, talking dirty, pretty much any position I can think of, switching up the location and the time of day, role-playing, even stuff I don't want to mention here.  I'm game for pretty much anything at this point.  Actually, it's not just around O time... it's most of the time.  And forget about not telling him when I'm Oing or doing it every other day... then it wouldn't happen at all (too tired, need to eat, just got finished eating, just took a shower, have chores to do, etc, etc).  Or when he agrees to sex and he's not particularly in the mood, he's like "ok, do whatever you want to me, I'm just going to lay here."  Sorry, buddy it's not going to work like that.  You're not 12, you're not going to ejaculate in your sleep.

He keeps saying that he wants to get me pregnant and finds me sexy and desirable, but I honestly don't know how timed sex is going to work for us.   And untimed sex isn't going to happen at all (or maybe once a month, if I'm lucky).  Yesterday when we were on hour 2 of trying to make it happen (since I got a +OPK) I was lying there and just started crying because I couldn't take it anymore.  I'm doing acupuncture and taking handfuls of supplements and herbs and getting blood drawn and charting temps and doing OPKs and checking CM/CP and doing research, etc.  And none of it will make any difference if we can't get our timing right.

Do any of you have ANY advice?  I'm just SO ready to give up at this point.  It would be different if our timing was perfect every time... at least I could go to an RE with that knowledge and see what else might be wrong and go from there.  Last month we did a fancy night out with dinner and an amazing hotel room and tried to reconnect, but we can't do that every month and even if we could, I don't think it would really help.

buckeyebaby814

My husband had a difficult time with it too in the past and asked me to not tell him when I was Oing, just to initiate.  He's even said he can figure it out when I'm Oing, especially now since I'm clomid and being monitored, but me initiating and not saying a thing really helped.

Has your husband had any kind of work-up done yet (SA, b/w)?  Is it possible there's a medical reason?  

yuengling58

I would suggest a workup by his doctor to rule out any anxiety, depression or testosterone issues.

delino

I am sorry you are faced with this...I can relate on so many levels.  My husband and I have slow months and not so slow months.  We too conceived our first because the one time we BD'd must have been good timing.  This is most likely why we never conceived in the 2 years we weren't preventing.  He has had blood work ups done and has slightly low testosterone.  But most of the time it doesn't seem to have an effect on him.  I tend to not initiate because I have been turned down and I don't like it.  I told him once that I was O'ing and that really bit me in the butt...I will never do that again.  I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that you're not alone.  ((hugs))

hungryhippo

((hugs)) I think pp have given good advice. Does anybody know whether an OB is open to discussing at home insemination? I don't ever see people posting about it on the boards, but if your OB is willing to discuss it with you, maybe that would be an option. 

1220winterbride

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I can relate.

I really like Hungry Hippos suggestion! Also, have you ever seen a counselor you trust? maybe he could talk it about it. It sounds more mental than physical.

My DH can finish he just never wants to start!! if I initiate it usually doesn;t happen. he just likes to pursue I guess? anyway, I hope you get it right soon, honey. i'm rooting for you!!

Allie-Jo

DH used t be like this...when we were trying on our own and for a while when we started seeing RE.  It was so frustrating.  I don't know what did it but now (and mind you this is just recently so after 2+ years) the knowing we can get pregnant at THIS time kinda turns him on.  HE has even suggested going home for lunch on the day I triggered just in case!

If I had t guess...it might have been because I told him if we can not do it on our own we will go to IUI.  He HATED having to do it in the RE office for his ONE SA he has had so I don't think he wants to do that every month!!!

AustinBride06

Thanks so much for the advice ladies!  In spite of this post, I actually had a really good feeling about this cycle.  It was a struggle to get DH to cooperate, for sure, and we weren't always successful, but we did it.  I think this weekend was the hardest on us... on weekdays he knew that there was an expectation to come home and get it done but on the weekend we waited until after we had gone out (and had a few drinks) and of course it didn't happen.  Or he said we'd get to it early in the day but then spent hours working on his car or doing other things around the house while I'm stressing out that he'll put it off too long again then run out of time or get too tired.  But somehow we pulled it off.  And I really REALLY tried not to let my frustration show too much and tried to keep him from overthinking it as much as I could.

But I can't wait until sex can be fun again.