Husband Now Doesn't want to try to have a baby

sweetwtch

Help! So my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about a year and a half. I was told by my doc. that I might have endometrosis. So we have been talking about my options as far as fertility treatments. My husband was game for it all. Then all of a sudden he tells me he doesn't believe in fertility treatments and when the time is right we will have a baby. He says we should not use any type of treatment and if we can never have a baby he is fine with it. That just devestates me! We have been trying for over a year and he hits me with this. To be honest I am really starting to resent him for it. Does anyone have any advise for me? I have already told him how I feel, but it just doesn't seem to be getting to him.  I'm wondering if he is just scared. Please Help!

ukcats27

I don't really have any advice. If he's not on board then there's nothing you can really do. However, regardless if you are trying to have a baby or not, you need to have a laparoscopy to diagnose the endometriosis.  Endo continues to grow and can harm your reproductive system if it is not taken care of.  I speak from experience. You need the lap to take care of yourself and not to increase fertility. Good luck.

d3esika

I'd suggest stop the baby talk for a little bit with him and start going to counseling - even if it's just you for now.  There is an underlying communication issue going on.

 

In the meantime - get that lap done and take care of yourself!

watkinae

jalara48:

I have advice but you won't like it.

He changed the game, not you. If you want kids (and that means fertility treatment) and he doesn't, you'll likely need to leave him and find someone who does (or alone). Having children is a dealbreaker in my book, and I would never compromise that.

But, ofcourse, you should likely find out why he changed his tune = what's behind it, etc.

Sorry for the harsh advice - good luck!

I totally agree with this. You can't really compromise on whether or not you have children. Either you do or you don't. Since you're dealing with endo, that's something that is known to decrease your fertility, so you're more than likely going to need some help. My boss was married and he thought they both wanted children, but everytime he tried to discuss it she shut down. Finally after 7 years of marriage (5 of which he was wanting to start TTC), he got divorced. Why did DH change his mind? You need to decide what you want more, to be a mother or to be his wife, because it may come down to that.

sbrowns08

Fertility treatments are stressful and scary, and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think it would be helpful to discover why your husband is against them. Perhaps knowing his motivation will help you find common ground that allows you to move forward.

I know from experience that it takes time to adjust to the idea of treatments. I hope you are able to find a solution that works for the both of you!

hootie123

Has he been to the doctor with you to talk about your diagnosis?  It may help to hear directly from the doctor.

Also - you should seek out a therapist/counselor that can help both of you sort out these feelings/issues. 

Good luck!

kellydNC

jalara48:

I have advice but you won't like it.

He changed the game, not you. If you want kids (and that means fertility treatment) and he doesn't, you'll likely need to leave him and find someone who does (or alone). Having children is a dealbreaker in my book, and I would never compromise that.

But, ofcourse, you should likely find out why he changed his tune = what's behind it, etc.

Sorry for the harsh advice - good luck!

I agree.  As much as I love my husband, if he changed his mind about wanting kids, I would leave.  Without a doubt.  

With that said, I don't think that's the immediate solution to jump to.  I like PP's suggestions of counseling, backing away for a (short) while to let him process, etc.  I hope you can figure out a solution that brings you both peace. 

amd1982

Adding my $0.2 - I think you should go see a therapist and suggest it to DH in a non-threatening way. My H has been really supportive and understanding this whole time. But we discussed yesterday that if this IUI doesn't work, he wants to take some time off to just relax for a little bit. Obviously as much as I want a baby so badly right now, I am trying to look at this from his perspective. He said something a couple weeks ago that really hit home to me. I asked him if he was stressed about having children/fertility treatments. He looked at me and said "I don't stress about it in particular because deep down i know it's going to happen one day. but i get stressed knowing that you're stressed, and i don't want you to feel that way." i think a lot of times we just assume that since it's happening to our body, it doesn't affect DH in the same way. I know you want a child, and I'm guessing deep down he really does too. He probably just feels overwhelmed and doesn't like seeing you so upset. I'd make an appt with a therapist and work through it. This is a stressful time in your marriage, but I'm really hoping you guys can make it through this. GL

tigerhearted

I think it's totally natural to feel resentful right now because he just pulled a complete 180 on you.  I'd suggest some marriage counseling, asap.  

I find the advice to leave him to be cutt-throat and heartless, not to mention unfair and repulsive.  On the same grounds, one could argue that the OP's infertility changed the game, and that he should leave her to find a fertile myrtle.  "Sorry babe, no kids, no deal.  Love?  Till death do us part?  Pfft.  Don't you know that having kids is a deal-breaker?" 

Not to mention completely unrealistic, and no more guaranteed to get her a baby in the long run.  What happens if she never finds a man who she loves as much?  Alone for the rest of her life and childless.  What happens if she does find someone, but it took so long to find him that she's now no longer of child-bearing age?  What happens if she is fortunate enough to find someone special soon, or merely settles for someone, marries him, goes through years and years of IF treatments...and still can't have babies?

If the OP's husband has serious reservations over fertility treatments that don't budge with time, therapy, or education, and the OP wants a future with him because she (gasp!) loves him as a life-partner and respects him as a person, then OP you might want to explore your options in adoption.  It's not an easy, inexpensive, or certain path, but then, neither are fertility treatments.  You could easily spend more time and money on IF treatments and still not wind up with a baby.  If adoption isn't your thing, then you can still have a great life together with your hubby.  But right now I think it's imperative that you both get some counseling.

MsGMChick

kellydNC:

jalara48:

I have advice but you won't like it.

He changed the game, not you. If you want kids (and that means fertility treatment) and he doesn't, you'll likely need to leave him and find someone who does (or alone). Having children is a dealbreaker in my book, and I would never compromise that.

But, ofcourse, you should likely find out why he changed his tune = what's behind it, etc.

Sorry for the harsh advice - good luck!

I agree.  As much as I love my husband, if he changed his mind about wanting kids, I would leave.  Without a doubt.  

With that said, I don't think that's the immediate solution to jump to.  I like PP's suggestions of counseling, backing away for a (short) while to let him process, etc.  I hope you can figure out a solution that brings you both peace. 

Agreed. Not wanting kids is a deal breaker for me as well. But I would probably go through a long step of finding out what changed. PP has good advice. I'm sorry though OP that you have to even deal with that. 

Jerem2911

H and I went thru this after I went to the RE. He didn't understand why no one in his family or mine struggled to have kids so why would we.  I had a cyst that cycle, so we didn't do any treatment for a couple months. In that time, we kept communicating. After 2 failed cycles, he needed a break. During that break, we talked about not having kids, adopting, not having kids, doing more treatments....we just kept communicating. It's the fear of the unknown and is the money worth the risk when we've already had 2 failed cycles. We recently decided we'd do 2 more IUI's and then quit treatment because we'd rather save for an adoption at that point since that'd be 4 failed IUIs.

Before we even started treatment, we agreed that we wouldn't do inject cycles or IVF. In part, due to my needle phobia, but also because the financial risk is that much greater and we just don't have extra money right now that would be needed for it.  So it's scary thinking wow, we may not have a biological baby after all of these years of trying. We always thought it was just a given since no one in our immediate or extended families struggled...especially after the "oops" way back when we were first married.

Give your H some space with baby talk, but keep the communication lines open.

Suz+Mo

He might be more open to thinking about treatment as treating an illness rather than fertility treatments.  If you had diabetes, you would treat that with intervention.  If you had cancer, you would treat that with intervention.  So you are treating endo ....and by doing that you are increasing your chances of having children, but really at the heart of it, you are treating something in your body that is not working properly just like you would do that for any other illness.

That helped my husband process it.    I was not ovulating.  Ovulating is something I should be doing (whether TTC or not....it's a normal process that was not taking place)  So he likes to see Clomid as a medicine that restores my body to normal properly functioning system.    That same logic would apply for Endo.

hunterjumper102

sbrowns08:

Fertility treatments are stressful and scary, and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I think it would be helpful to discover why your husband is against them. Perhaps knowing his motivation will help you find common ground that allows you to move forward.

I know from experience that it takes time to adjust to the idea of treatments. I hope you are able to find a solution that works for the both of you!

This is exactly what I would do.  If you can find out why he is against fertility treatments then it will open up the conversation for you to talk about the issue.  I know it took my DH a while to really be on board with our treatments.  I don't think my DH really thought we needed serious help until IUI after IUI failed.  He has finally accepted that we can't do this on our own and if we want a child we need help.

 So give it time to sink in that you need help and find out the real cause behind his change in tune.  Maybe mention therapy so that you both can really figure out what is going on and try to fix it.

violetmarie61516

I'm sorry that this has come up in your relationship but like pp said you really need to sit down, communicate and talk about all angles of all options.  Figure out what you both want out of life AND each other.  If you think you have issues now, wait until you're into treatments or even after you have a baby at home.  GL to you both in your discoveries.

buckeyebaby814

d3esika:

I'd suggest stop the baby talk for a little bit with him and start going to counseling - even if it's just you for now.  There is an underlying communication issue going on.

 

In the meantime - get that lap done and take care of yourself!

I completely agree with this.  However, I also agree with Jalara.

Blueyed228

My H wasnt on board with it for a little while but then he got over it.

Maybe take a little break and let him clear his head.

pulga131

Sorry you are dealing with this. I think 1- you need to have a lap done to check for endometriosis.  It's scary stuff and you do NOT want to let it go untreated.  2nd- After your lap I think your DH should go to the DR with you to discuss the reasons why you need treatments in order to get pregnant. 3- I would 100% go to counseling. Counseling does not have to be something bad or mean that your marriage is in trouble. But obviously you are on 2 different ends here and communication and support are very important. We went to counseling early on in our marriage and it was the best thing we did.  I highly recommend it.  GL!

I think men just want things to happen naturally perhaps more than we do.  Or maybe we're just quicker to realize when we need help.  MH didn't want to pursue treatment at first either, even given the severity of my many diagnosis. He wanted to try on our own for a little while longer.  But after talking to the dr and getting more test results gone bad he was 100% on board.   

amandanurse

tigerhearted:

I think it's totally natural to feel resentful right now because he just pulled a complete 180 on you.  I'd suggest some marriage counseling, asap.  

I find the advice to leave him to be cutt-throat and heartless, not to mention unfair and repulsive.  On the same grounds, one could argue that the OP's infertility changed the game, and that he should leave her to find a fertile myrtle.  "Sorry babe, no kids, no deal.  Love?  Till death do us part?  Pfft.  Don't you know that having kids is a deal-breaker?" 

Not to mention completely unrealistic, and no more guaranteed to get her a baby in the long run.  What happens if she never finds a man who she loves as much?  Alone for the rest of her life and childless.  What happens if she does find someone, but it took so long to find him that she's now no longer of child-bearing age?  What happens if she is fortunate enough to find someone special soon, or merely settles for someone, marries him, goes through years and years of IF treatments...and still can't have babies?

If the OP's husband has serious reservations over fertility treatments that don't budge with time, therapy, or education, and the OP wants a future with him because she (gasp!) loves him as a life-partner and respects him as a person, then OP you might want to explore your options in adoption.  It's not an easy, inexpensive, or certain path, but then, neither are fertility treatments.  You could easily spend more time and money on IF treatments and still not wind up with a baby.  If adoption isn't your thing, then you can still have a great life together with your hubby.  But right now I think it's imperative that you both get some counseling.

 

Well said.  What if every husband bailed bc the wife was infertile?

sweetwtch

Thank you Everyone for your advice, esp Tiger! I agree with what you said. I Will NOT leave my husband because of this. My vows were untill death do us part! After having a very long talk with him and taking him to my doc. He is now on board with doing what we have to do to have a baby. Turns out he was scared to death that he would be a bad father.( his father left when he was a baby)  I have an apt. to have a lap. done this coming up week and we are looking into some counseling so we are both better able to share our concerns with eachother. Thank you again for your advice!