So depressed (marriage related)

butterflynola

I'm so depressed and so distanced from my H right now.  He doesn't do Anything to help with DS.  He has never once even given him a bath, rarely plays with him unless I ask him to and doesn't do anything to help me out.  We started trying to have a baby because he wanted a baby (don't get me wrong I did eventually too but he was the initiator so we had our daughter and then tried again right away and got DS.  I couldn't be happier I truly love being a mom more than anything but now my marriage completely sucks.  If I ask him when he's home in between feedings to help me or to play with DS he just sticks him in a swing letting DS cry and says SHHH! I'm trying to watch TV!  It's so sad   If I take a shower I usually have to take DS in with my or at least have him in the hallway because DH won't even watch him then or he'll bring him to me crying while I'm in the shower.

 I always thought that he would be such a good daddy but it pains me to say that he really isn't.  This leaves me to do Everything morning noon and night, (I'm a SAHM), and DS eats every 2 hours so I have no life at all and I'm getting really depressed.  I love all of the time that I spend with DS but I'm worrying that my marriage is crumbling and that DS isn't going to have the father figure that I thought he'd have.  I don't want to end up divorced some day like my parents because it made for a really crappy life and I want so much more for DS.  I guess there isn't much anyone can say or do but I had to get this off my chest since I can't really talk about it to anyone IRL for DH's sake I just don't want to go there right now and out him like that.  I'm holding onto hope that things will change.  

Maybe this is a common adjustment when a baby comes into the pic??? 

:sigh:

kathymarie

((HUGS)) I think that this is something that many of us have gone through. You HAVE to talk to your husband about it. Be brutally honest. Sometimes they are completely blind to how it is on the other side.

xleslieraex

I know how hard it is. DH had still to this day only given M a bath twice. I get all night wakings and I work full time outside the home. It is a sacrifice 100% and I decieded it wasn't worth the fight. I love being mom, so when I'm home I want to get up in the middle of the night with him. I know it's different being a SAHM, you do need a break. You need to tell him that. He can't read your mind.

What I've come to find out is DH didn't know how to interact with M when he was younger. I'd tell DH different milestones M should be reaching and to try XYZ with him. It helped so much when I'd tell him, "M should be reaching for this toy now" or "M should be able to put pressure on his legs now". Read the week to week stuff TB tells you. DH needed more direction, it wasn't as natural for him. Now that M is older they interact a lot easier and more natural.

Big ::hugs::

D&D4Ever7

I agree with pp. I also think that it just takes longer for some dads to connect to their babies so give him time. This is definetly true for my DH. As DS gets older and gets more interactive, DH enjoys time with him. I had to lower some of my expectations, i just do more things for DS than DH. DH has not clipped DS nails or washed his hair or cleaned wax from his ears but he loves reading to DS and he likes talking to him. I hope your DH starts getting more involved in the near future.

itsmegin

(((HUGs)) this is a hard adjustment, and you need to talk to your DH rather than assuming he knows how you feel. I also SAH, and until I spoke up DH didn't do much to help. He loves playing with DD so that wasn't a problem, but I had to ask for help with other things I couldn't do. Before she was born we both kinda thought taking care of her and all the cooking and cleaning would be 100% on me since I wanted to be a SAHM. But now we both realize this is more than a full-time job and we both have to work at it. Don't snowball your DH, don't come at him with all your pent up frustration from the last few months and don't assume he ignores DS's crying because he doesn't care or is a bad father. Maybe he just has no idea how to calm him and goes to you for help. Calmly tell your DH that you need more help and give him specifics, men are no good at anticipating needs or reading people, so you can't just say: "I'm overwhelmed and I need you to help more." You need to explain exactly how he can help, as in: "I need you to hold DS while I shower. Don't put him in his swing. If he cries try doing X, Y and Z." Don't give up hope for your marriage, this is just a stressful time! ETA: DH has not ever given her a bath and he has probably only changed 5 diapers her entire life.

californiastars

I know it is hard. My DH has never given Jack a bath. He is forced to watch him on Sundays since I work and he is in charge of daycare 2-3 times a week because of the hours I work. Other than that (again he is forced to do it because there is no other option), I cook, clean and take care of Jack. I finally got sick of DH complaining about how he has no time to himself and Jack only whines and complains, and blah blah blah. I had tried talking g to him before but  I finally went off. I told him he had to man up, that I was exhausted too, and that if he wanted free time I would have no problem taking Jack and leaving. He knew I was serious. I think that was a wake up call to him. Since then he hasn't complained and has helped a little more. 

 

I hope you are able to talk to him and let him know how you feel. (((hugs))) 

Karen1998

kathymarie:

((HUGS)) I think that this is something that many of us have gone through. You HAVE to talk to your husband about it. Be brutally honest. Sometimes they are completely blind to how it is on the other side.

I agree completely.  It could also help y'all to do couple's counseling.  (((Hugs)))

taurus424

this happened to me initially with DS....DH was gung-ho until it actually happened and DS was home....then DH checked out mentally....i was crying everyday bc i was alone in a different city had no help. We had a heart to heart after a while...and dont get me wrong a few huge blow outs...and rocky months...but after i said to him that i needed help and that i was exhausted etc...it got better..

Now with DS#2 so far so good.

Hugs to you.

EmKo0210

((HUGS))  You are not alone.  The first 4 months of DD's life were probably the toughest in our marriage.  Having a baby definitely changes things.  As others have said, make sure he knows what you need.  That being said, I think it was really hard for my DH when DD was that young because he didn't know what she needed and would get frustrated (I didn't always know either, but I am a SAHM, so I dealt with it more than he did.)  Can you sit down and have a really serious talk with him?

It did get a lot easier for us once DD got a little older and DH figured how to interact with her a little more.  I still do the majority of the care taking, but I tell him when I need a break...and he listen.  I hope it gets better for you soon.

KCKSarah

EmKo0210:

((HUGS))  You are not alone.  The first 4 months of DD's life were probably the toughest in our marriage.  Having a baby definitely changes things.  As others have said, make sure he knows what you need.  That being said, I think it was really hard for my DH when DD was that young because he didn't know what she needed and would get frustrated (I didn't always know either, but I am a SAHM, so I dealt with it more than he did.)  Can you sit down and have a really serious talk with him?

It did get a lot easier for us once DD got a little older and DH figured how to interact with her a little more.  I still do the majority of the care taking, but I tell him when I need a break...and he listen.  I hope it gets better for you soon.

This.  We struggled a lot.  I felt isolated.  I shut down and stopped communicating with my husband.  Our fights were epic.  We went to couples counseling for two months and boy, that made a difference.  Sometimes you need a third party to observe and give you tools to communicate.  Whether you see a counselor or not, be honest with your husband.  At a neutral time, tell him how you feel.  Like a PP said, don't blame and don't assume you know what he is thinking or feeling.  Just talk about how you feel and think.  Then let him know how he can help you.

You aren't alone.  ((big hugs)).  Take good care of yourself and don't give up hope!

butterflynola

Thanks ladies. 

 I had a heart to heart and I'm hoping that it sinks in, he just seems tocheck out lately which then pisses me off but I kept it calm and peaceful and told him that it's probably common with most people who have a new baby and that we both need to communicate better (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt) so Hopefully I will see a change.  If not I guess I will just have to be quick to be specific with what he needs to do.  I am open to going to counceling with him if he'd go I think it could help us in so many ways lol. 

Oh you gotta love marriage!!!  It's like survival of the fittest lol. 

vflipo

((hugs)) I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to get him to help out more

hopingwaiting

Hugs.  Definitely communicate to DH your feelings/needs and give him explicit instructions.  I found everything defaulted to me unless I specifically asked people to do something, and DH and others had no idea I was exhausted and were happy to help, but needed to be asked rather than just offering.  DH also got much more comfortable interacting/playing with DS when he got older and more interactive.  Hang in there!  

sarahscooty

Glad to know I wasn't the only one in this situation! We've been struggling but It's def getting better!

Irishsapphire

There are ways to get your husband more involved.  My husband is the one who picks out and buys toys for our son.  This will be fun for husband when your son gets older--my husband would find toys that were age appropriate. 

As well, if you get sick, you will need someone to cover for you--change diapers,etc.  We have some Baby Einstein DVDs (I call these Baby TV), and sometimes either of us will just put in one of these DVDs so that baby can have some time watching TV (it seems to calm our son down). 

And I would imagine that your husband is going to be helping you more on potty training and going to the bathroom when your son is older. 

And just to let you know that my husband has never given my son a bath.  But when I pull my son out of the bathtub, he will dry our son off and put on a diaper and new outfit for our son.  It is a team effort. 

FmrAFBrat

I understand how you feel.  When I was off I took care of everything and I still do a lot now that I am working.  I haven't gone anywhere other than work without LO since he has been home & my DH hasn't given Landon a bath & has only changed him a handful of times.  He's gotten better & will feed him...I'm hoping it gets better with time.

Kelanne

((( HUGS )))  Give it time.  It's REALLY hard to adjust to parenthood.  It really can take a toll on marriage.  I can't tell you how many times I thought DH and I would split up during my son's first year of life . . .and now we have 4 kids together.  It will get better.. :-)

Also, I can only speak for my DH, but he was TERRIBLE with the newborn stage.  He thinks they are really boring at that age.  Once the kids are mobile and active, he became way more hands on and helpful.

I hope things get better soon.

Ryan&Kristin062009

You shoul definitely talk to your husband about it, then maybe get a sitter for a couple hours so the two of you can get a nice date night out. Marriage can be tough you have to work at it, compromise... And bringing babies into it is a big change! Good luck to you!