Thinking hard about DE (long)

pillowass

Just a follow up on my miserable Clomid Challenge failure. (FSH on day 3 was 11, and on day 10 it was 20). 

We met with our RE this morning and he basically told us that we have less than a 5% chance of conceiving a child with our own eggs, even if we did IVF. I think we were somewhat prepared for this news, but still it is devastating. As much as I admire all you ladies who will go to the ends of the earth to find an RE to work with you, I just don't think I have it in me. I need to get off this horrible IF treadmill and reclaim my life and identity as a parent. My marriage, my career, and my mental health are all suffering under the weight of this. And, my RE's clinic has an 80+% success rate with donor eggs. So we could be pregnant in 4 months if we start today.

I am fully aware that my RE is trying to protect his success rates by cherry picking patients, but I am also afraid that a high FSH-friendly RE will fill me full of false hope and we could end up spending thousands with nothing to show for it. The research on people who fail the CCCT is pretty sobering - it backs up my RE's less than 5% claim. But there are so many anecdotal success stories out there, it makes you wonder. My age is youngish, my AFC and AMH are normal-ish, and this is NOT typical of patients who fail the CCCT. (I have even wondered if this is a lab error.) I just want a doctor without an agenda. Is that so much to ask?

I guess I am wondering if I should go for the Hail Mary or cut my losses and do DE. I have scheduled an appointment for a second opinion with a doctor who is known to be more friendly to high FSH patients, so I'm trying to keep an open mind, although I lean heavily toward the solution that will get me a baby in the shortest amount of time. 

And I hate to keep bringing this up, but the fact that we were parents for 22 months, then lost our son suddenly, and now have IF, makes us very very desperate. It's such a $hitty circumstance - grief clouds our every move and every thought. I honestly don't trust myself to make a good decision right now. 

OK, it seems as though there is a bottle of wine and some $hitty television with my name on it. Sorry for the long vent

happywifemomofone

I hope that you can find peace wherever your final decision lies.  Totally understand how you do not want to let IF rule you life.  Finding balance for us has been an ongoing struggle.  Alrhough DE has higher success rates, it is no guarantee either.  Toasting wine with you this evening.

chicagobride_07

I am sorry for all you have been through.  This is such a personal decision.  We just started TTC last month- but I am almost 42.  My numbers are not so good, but I just spoke to my RE today and he said they were normal and "workable" for my age.  He has had women in his practice get pregnant (with their OE), with my stats.

DH and I don't have infertility coverage and of course the costs add up fast.  RE wants to do more tests, but just after seeing the stats and histories of the ladies on these boards (many much younger than me)- I can't imagine I'd have success with my stats (FSH 11.2; latest AMH 0.24) and OE.  We'll see what further testing reveals, and I might try less invasive (and expensive) means like IUI (if the RE recommends it), but I don't think I would try IVF with my own eggs.  No clinic would do a shared risk with me due to my age and numbers, and we'd be paying ~$16K for a very minimal chance just for one IVF.  My gut is that we would do DE or adoption after some months of trying.  There is a clinic in my area with a 70-80% success rate with DE and a shared risk program (no age restrictions, within reason!).  I would likely look into that.  If I had insurance coverage for IVF with OE and the RE was supportive, I might think differently.  Good luck to you.

owlprof

We are here for you no matter how you decide to proceed. I think factors are different for each one of us, and we all are just trying to figure out how to make our dream of a family come true.  I know a few ladies have had DE success recently (e.g., lhcooper) and a few more are in the early stages of pursuing DE (e.g., Bubs).  I wish you all the best. 

PS:  You don't have to apologize for bringing up your son.  I would imagine he is still a very precious part of your lives.  (((hugs)))

brooklynesque

I don't think you're crazy to be thinking of donor eggs at this stage -- you have been through so much, more than I can even imagine, and it's totally understandable that you want to have another child sooner rather than later.  I'm sure you and your DH will make the right decision for you.  You'll certainly get plenty of support here no matter what you decide to do.  Big hugs.

Mrs.McIrish

My thoughts:

Using DE is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong answer. I agree that if you want a baby NOW, that is the fastest way to get there.

But, I think your RE is just plain wrong to tell you that you have 5% chance with your own eggs!  That is my current chance but that is only after failing all the treatments I have, being an actual poor responder and with much higher FSH than you, and seeing my crappy embryos after 2 rounds of max stims. I was never told it was a 5% chance BEFORE we did these treatments. It started around 20% and dropped a little with each failure. 

I know you may not want to do all treatments and that is OK. Everyone's tolerance is different and you have a very different history with losing your son. It's OK to want to get PG NOW. I just wanted to share with you that I would be thrilled to have your numbers!  I think you are placing way too much importance on the CCCT. Actual response to stims and what those resulting embryos look like is what is important. Not the number of your FSH.  If you asked this question on the High FSH Board, you'd be told every single time to get a new RE as he is is just wrong. I'm glad you know he is just protecting his stats etc. I don't think a high FSH RE will give you false hope. I know I don't have great odds in getting PG but I do have an RE how will support me in my quest to get PG with OE and thinks I actually can with extra help. But he didn't tell me it would happen tomorrow. Waiting is hard and DE is certainly faster (but also not a guarantee).

Finally, if anything, what I have learned in past year, is not to make hard decisions when you are upset. Also, clomid can really make you beyond emotional so I would let that get out of my system before making life decisions.

I just wanted to give you my honest thoughts. Ultimately it is your and DH's decision and we ladies will support you on whatever path you choose.

Big hugs and I hope the wine was good:-)

mtlaurel

I completely understand and share your thoughts of not wanting to waste time and money. That being said, the DE decision is a very big one that requires a lot of processing (I can imagine the loss of your son might add to the emotions that you'll experience). So, I'd urge you to go to the second opinion and just take everything in before you make a decision.

We pretty much knew in November that we'd be going the DE route, but we've been sitting with that choice ever since and slowly taking steps towards a cycle in order to get very comfortable with all that it entails. And, while I'm feeling pretty good about it lately, strange fears and thoughts, or anger still bubble up from time to time. As others said, DE is not a guarantee. I sometimes need to remind myself of that. It is just a better chance, regardless of whether your chance for success with your OE is 5% or 35%.

You know you will be supported here no matter what you choose. Wishing you peace in making your decision.

Bubs711

Coming to the decision to use DE was not an easy one for me.  I never thought I would have any trouble getting KU.  When it didn't happen after 8 months, and we were referred to the RE, I though that would be the answer.  After another 8 months working with the RE, two cycles that I couldn't even be treated because my body didn't cooperate, 1 CP and 2 failed IUI's, I was still hoping that somehow I could move forward with my OE.  Two "last chance" cycles on our own with no meds did not work, though.

My RE said the chances of an IVF working with my OE was pretty much zero based on my poor response to the injectible meds during the IUI's.  He offered to do one more IUI, but gave it a less than 10% chance of it working.  I believe our chances of it happening naturally at this point are less than 1%.  My RE said the only other option HE could offer was IVF with DE, which would increase my chances to 60%.

I wish I had the time and money to get another opinion and keep trying with my OE.  However, I just turned 42.  My DH will be 47 later this year, and he said if I'm not KU by then he's done. He just feels like we're getting too old.  He was on board with DE right away.  I was pretty depressed for a couple of weeks after receiving the news about using DE since I never thought I wanted to do that.  I knew rationally that the odds of success were much better by going that route, but emotionally I felt like I was admitting defeat, and it was difficult to face losing my genetic connection to my future child.

I did a ton of research, and I've found a bunch of blogs from other moms who used DE that were really helpful to me.  I'm happy to share them if you'd like.  I thought about it, prayed about it, talked to some trusted friends and family about it and finally started coming around to the idea of it.  I decided that what I ultimately want is to be a mom and have a child - however that can happen.  It's like I tell my students about going to college - some people take a straight path, some have twists and turns, but if in the end you get to the same place that's what matters.  Plus one of my favorite blog quotes I found was that the right soul finds the parents whether it's naturally, through DE or through adoption.  I still have my down days, but they're becoming fewer and fewer.

At this point we have chosen a donor, plunked down a large chunk of money (even though I have insurance it doesn't cover the payment to the donor or her meds), and are set to move forward as soon as my next cycle starts at the beginning of Feb.  IVF will be at the end of march.  I'm a little bit anxious and praying it works as we have pretty much depleted our savings by going this route and won't have many more resources left to keep trying if it doesn't. At the same time I'm excited for the possibility that I could finally be a mom by the end of this year.

Like PP's have said, it's a very personal decision, and you're a bit younger than I am so you may feel in the end that you have more time.  If you have questions or concerns, though, I'm happy to help however I can.

KGS2003

PPs have said it best. I just wanted to give you (((Big Hugs))) I hope you find the right plan for you. 

pillowass

Thank you for all the warm and wonderful replies. I have done a lot of research in the last few days, and there is so much controversy surrounding the CCCT that I think it makes sense to keep fighting for my OE. At the end of the day, I just don't fit the profile of someone who has an FSH of 20. 

Also, I may be grasping at straws, but I have been on a million supplements for the past 6 months, most of them prescribed by my naturopath to support my adrenal system. I am wondering if these are messing with my FSH somehow, so I think I will try to wean off of them and just stick to my prenatal and fish oil for awhile. I'll bring all of this to my second opinion doc and keep you all posted.

I am so very thankful for this board, weird drive-by's notwithstanding

XV11Star

I am sorry for coming in to this late, and I don't have any advice but everyone here already did such a good job.  I just wanted to send you a big huge hug.  From the start your story really has impacted me and I wish you peace and hope going forward to your next steps!

NewMrs07

I have no experience with this and I'm so sorry for all you're going through. But for what it's worth, I have a 47 yr-old friend who got pregnant with a DE and now has a beautiful and well-behaved 3 year old. She looks a lot like the dad (no surprise there) and of course nothing like the mom. But if my friend hadn't volunteered the info about DE, I would have never known her daughter is not genetically related. They are a great team and my friend is super happy with her daughter. It's the best thing that's ever happened to her. I just wanted to put this out there so you can see an IRL person's story. Good luck with your decision!